Just shut up and listen!

Has it really been a month since I last posted?  Life hasn't been nuts per say, but my thoughts have been rather jumbled and occupied.  And I've been writing a little side project just for me just to get me into the habit of writing again.  (Which worked for exactly 20,000 words until I hit a mental block, blegh).

Part of the reason I haven't posted is because I keep getting this nudge to write about a topic that I don't feel like touching, I know I will but right now I just need to spew out thoughts and feelings so I can think straight again.  Cause my tone is a little too angry at this point to deal with it properly.

So, here's my issue.  I know I'm soft spoken, sometimes I stumble over my words and don't speak clearly.  But very, very often, even when I am speaking perfectly clear, I feel like people just don't freaking listen to what I'm saying.

And it's really ticking me off.

I've lost track of all the times people have talked over me, or said something completely opposite to where I was going with that: yeah I totally get  you!  attitude and I'm thinking: No you don't, you missed it completely and don't freaking care.

Sometimes people just get it in their heads that they think they know what I'm going to say and won't acknowledge what I've actually said.  Sometimes people are so determined that they're right that they won't listen to my kind correction (like that float was a giant shopping cart dad, it had nothing to do with hay, but whatever it's not like I live out in the country or anything).

And I think I've just hit a point where I'm like: You know what?  Forget it.  I'm sick and tired of wasting my breath on people who don't listen anyways.  Cause they're not worth it.

The only problem is that there are so many freaking people that don't listen to me.  People think I don't talk often.  It's not that I don't want to or don't like to, I've just given up on trying.  People are too busy with what they have to say.

It makes me feel like people don't actually care about me, which for the most part wouldn't surprise me if it was true.

People just see me as they think I am instead of actually taking the time to get to know me.  Or they pretend to listen and then turn around do exactly the opposite of what I asked.  Or ask me to do something that if they had just payed attention, they would've realized that yeah, it would've been a boneheaded question and best left avoided.

But don't mind me, go ahead and try to tell me how I'm feeling.  It's not like I know myself or anything.  I've just lived with myself for the past 23 years... Aka my entire life.

Ps, I've hit the point where if you don't actually want to listen to me I'll just give up and walk away.  I've dealt with enough jerks in my life to know when to give up.  I'm done.

"Oh You Should Write This!!"

I love my mom, she's very supportive of what I want to do and helps me to do it.  But sometimes she has moments where she just doesn't get it.

For example:  Last night at her birthday dinner we were sitting around chatting, cause that's what people do around the table, and I forget exactly what we were talking about but she said: You'll write it and your brother will illustrate it!

She says this often.  I usually just sigh.  I know she means well, but the fact of the matter is: I have so many story ideas in my head, that nothing related to my life will ever make it into book form.  Only in blog form!  I have so many stories in fact that I know I won't get them all written down while I'm alive.  It also bothers me that she always includes my brother.  I love my brother, he's a great artist, out of practice, but definitely has talent. I have nothing against him, and I know he knows this.  But every time my mom suggest: oh he can illustrate it.  I can't help but think:  Why does he have to be included in what I want to do?  (And I know my brother's cool with it, he usually just looks at me and shakes his head).

See, sometimes I find it very hard to be the youngest.  My mom's very good at including us both, but sometimes I'd really rather she didn't.  I want to write for me.  Not cause I want to be published, not because it'd be cool to say: I'm an author (with severe writer's block).  But because it's a way for me to express myself, get away from the world, and just enjoy what I see in my head.

I do want to get published.  I have big goals and big dreams, and sure I have moments of: Wouldn't it be cool if a book I publish gets made into a movie??  Who doesn't have those moments?  But that's not my motivation.

My motivation is wanting to write down these ideas that are brewing in my head and absolutely refuse to leave me alone.  I want people to get to know the characters in my head, to love them like I do, to feel with and for them.  Heck I want make people cry, be angry, happy, excited, terrified, etc.  I want to make people feel, because I've realized that's what I read for.  That's what I watch movies for.  I need to feel.  I also really want to help the people like me, the reluctant readers who just (at first) can't stand reading.  I want to provide an entrance into the wonderful world of books so people can see just how wonderful it is to step into a world sprung from the imagination of another, and have that world become precious to them.  (Not precious like being tempted by the one ring, cause that'd be creepy).

But I also want to be able to finally look at a hard copy of something I created.  Something I toiled over, cried over, fussed over, and poured everything I had in it.  And I want it to be mine.  I know it won't be my efforts alone that will bring that to pass (eg editors, publishers, agents, friends, family, etc)  I know they'll have a part.  But the creative side needs to be mine.

I don't know if my mom does it because she's worried my brother might regret not taking his shot at being an NHL goalie, and wants him to have a chance at fame.  But I think that's what really bugs me.  Maybe she misunderstands what an author's motivation is (or should be).  We don't write to get rich (most author's aren't).  We don't write to be famous (again, most author's aren't).  We write because we have a story (or stories) that need to get out and won't leave our thoughts.  We also write because we're crazy and are into self inflicted pain (it can be seriously painful to write).  It's not an easy process, it's not a quick process.  But it's a part of our souls and it's near and dear, and it's something that needs to be ours.

I know I'll get that dang story in my head out on paper, I know it.  I think that's also why I'm so gosh darned intimidated by it (finally figured it out btw).  It's big, it's special and it's mine.  And one day I'll introduce you to that world and the people who shape it.

Riding Through the Woods

What can be better than riding through the woods, with friends and gorgeous weather?

Not much, except doing it for a good cause!  Yesterday I tagged along with some friends for a Poker Run for the Heart and Stroke foundation!! (Though I fail at raising donations, and forgot for numerous consecutive weeks to actually raise some money... my bad).

The weather was gorgeous, the trails were covered with leaves, and my trusty steed was her usual perfect trail riding horse self.  (Never even noticed the horse eating rocks and culverts).

We usually end up bringing up the rear on trail rides.  We were second in line for about... a minute?  But were overtaken again.  But I don't mind cause then I can take pictures of everyone else.

Sadly we did not get the winning hand.  Which sucks cause we were one card away from a flush, which would've been the best hand!  It had to be the last card too.  I tried to swap it for a club but the guy just wouldn't let me.

Oh well!

Now off to my nephew's baptism and then off to church!

Wheeeeee

So this week I dove head first into the Mark of Athena and did not re-emerge until I finished.  (The usual with a new book).

Must say: Wow!  Wow, wow, wow!!  It was fantastic!  Plenty suspenseful and even a bit scary!  (And by a bit, I mean terrifying.  One word: spiders).

I will also be cursing that horrible cliffhanger for the next year.  I am also worried how my nerves will be at the end of two more books to this series.  If I'm a raving lunatic you'll know.

But definitely highly recommend.  BUT if you haven't yet been introduced to this wonderful world, you must start at the beginning.  Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief beginning, and then read that series, then you can start on the Heroes of Olympus series.  Go forth and conquer.

In other news I stumbled upon an oh duh moment this week.

Usually while I work, I daydream about some pretty epic stuff.  Dragons, sword fights, etc.  And then it suddenly hit me:  why don't I write these down???

I've been trying to find ways to do a little bit of writing every day.  My writing muscles have been extremely shot lately, but I couldn't figure out how to work them out.

So I pulled out my phone and started writing while I was filling water buckets.  I ACTUALLY WROTEDED!! :D  And even more excitedly for the first time in a loooooooong time, the scene actually ran away with me and surprised even me.

Oh boy it felt good!

Once I transfer it onto my compy and do some edits, I will post it here... Potentially.  Or keep it secret until it explodes into a full length story of some kind.  (No clue, just writing it cause it's there).

But I will tell you that it involves dragons and sci fi.

And a dance club.

The Filter is Disappearing

I've been noticing something more and more lately.  I say what's on my mind a lot more frequently than I used too... Little comments here and there... and I've got to say it's quite liberating.

I think I've reached that: ah whatever!  level.  Cause I realized not saying exactly what's on your mind causes more problems and headaches than it solved.

Though I've also noticed sometimes I have to repeat something ten times before it clicks.  And even then sometimes people still hear what they want to hear.

But that's okay, those people can continue to live in their own little world, cause I've also learned sometimes it really is not worth the trouble of trying to get people to understand.  Cause sometimes they just don't.

Yesterday some friends came over and brought along even more friends (yay!)  And we got to hang out for a few hours.  And someone at one point wondered aloud what it would be like if everyone spoke the truth.  Part of me died of embarrassement, thinking of all the guys I would've outright blurted I either had a crush on, or thought they were hot, or said that I thought they were super creepy and that I felt like running and screaming.

But then the other side of me felt that that would be a truly liberating feeling.  Imagine saying exactly what's on your mind all the time?

I also feel like we'd be on WW43 if that was the case, but minor details, right?

Make the Choice

So I'd been feeling moody and emo for quie a long while... And recently it got to a point where I was really pondering through my feelings and I realized I was tried with being angry, I was tired with making myself miserable.  I missed the positive me that used to see the sun on a cloudy day.

One day I read this.  And I realized I had to answer to myself one question.

Who was I really mad at?

And I realized quite quickly it was myself.  I was mad at myself for not acting faithfully, for not meeting the trial of my faith head on and growing stronger from it, for not taking the opportunity to come closer to Christ through my suffering.  And then just like that, it all left.

I can see life clearly again.

Cause I also realized that yeah, I screwed up then, but I can do right now.  Repentance and the Atonement are awesome like that.

It also reminded me of how important choice is in our lives.  We have the power to choose anything.  Including faith and happiness.  It doesn't matter what has happened, what you're going through or if the entire world is falling into chaos.  You can still thrive and be happy, especially through trials and adversity.

You and I have the power to choose how we will react to our lives.  And the power to choose whether or not to be happy.

It all starts with choice.  Then taking the steps necessary to ensure that that choice will become a reality.  And then you have to do everything you can to maintain it.  You can't sit around and expect what you want to be handed to you.

For me, I needed to look at myself and clearly see what it was I was really feeling and how it was affecting me.  Then I prayed, repented, and got back on the wagon of prayer in scripture study.  I'm  most definitely not back to where I was, but I also realized something extremely important.

What was is in the past and will not be again.  That does not mean that what's to come can never be as good.  If anything it grants the possibility that the future will be more amazing that we can ever imagine it to be.

If you do all in your power to do what's right, good things will come.  Sometimes they won't be what you hope for, but it's always exactly what you need.  And sometimes the results of your faith and diligence will completely blow you away.

Last weekend were the Eastern Division Silver Dressage Championships.  I spent the night before nursing a bruised foot,

Courtesy of Belle.

reading the scriptures and watching Facing the Giants.

The morning of was crisp with a clear blue sky and bright sunlight.  I rode the best I've ridden all season, Belle was focused and absolutely fantastic!  For the first time all season I felt great after riding both my tests!  I didn't care how we placed, cause I felt we did the best we could.  (Now I was aiming for Champion, but that's the whole point of competing yes? :)

Right before going in for my second test, my coach tells me we placed 2nd in our first test.  I was like: Holy crap!  Belle we could win this!!!  So I went in for it with my game face and was like: Oh yeah, bring it on.  Our test went really well.  As we walked back to the trailer I was beaming and repeatedly saying: Thank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank you (etc)!  We placed 3rd!

We won Reserve Champion for our division (Adult Amateur)!!  Seriously in awe and completely overjoyed!!!  Profoundly grateful and so happy for that!!

I was not expecting that on tuesday I'd recieve news that we won Reserve High Point of the entire show!!  Which means we had the second highest test score!!  Oh my gosh I'm still pinching myself!!

I'm so so so so so grateful and I know that as long as we put our trust in Him he'll bless us beyond our wildest dreams.  But we also have to put in the effort.

So proud of my awesome girl!!

Watch.

Here's the Shout that's Been Wanting Out.

I find it amusing sometimes how God speaks to me.  He knows me well, because He knows exactly how to get me to understand Him, and hear Him when He speaks.  It also helps remind me that He loves me dearly, because He also knows I love to laugh.

Every so often though I hear a message that I wish I could un hear.  The lastest?  Repeated lessons until you've learned it.

Quite honestly it makes me think: Are you kidding me??  Did you not see how it happened the last few times?  I really don't want to go through it again.

He also tends to shift His angle a little.  The last shift drove the nail home, but it also sent me reeling.  I won't go into details here, it's a part of me I don't share with the world.

See, for the past year and a half (dear heavens time flies!) I've been struggling with trust.  I've also been struggling with my faith.  I've also been struggling with the instability that has come with loosing a bit of both those things.  I'd had two blissful (mostly) years relying beautifully and wholly upon those two things.  Then something happened that left me completely shaken.

For those who don't know, for as long as I can remember (since I was 4) I'd wanted to be a jumper.  Not just any jumper, a grand prix, go to the olympics and get gold for Canada jumper.  It had been taken me longer than I would've liked, but that was due to lack of proper motivation and dedication and having a long string of terrible coaches.

But, a year and a half ago I thought I was finally making it!  I was taking that crucial first step to my goal, actually getting into the jumper ring... Not the hunters, the jumpers!  I was so excited, so scared, but so excited.  Belle felt great, on good days I felt confident.

Then, during an awesome jump schooling session, Belle with her awesome heart pushed just a little too hard and injured her suspensory ligament.  Wouldn't be until months later that I'd learn that she wouldn't be jumping again.

I tried to deny it, I tried to deny what was welling up.  And let me tell you, don't deny the demons cause that's when they take hold.

It left me shaken, and it really it left me feeling abandoned.

I couldn't help but be completely furious.  I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do.  I kept saying.  I thought this was what you wanted me to do?  Why are you taking it away?

I had prayed, pleaded, and worked for what I thought I was meant to do, and right as it was all supposed to start, it was done.  Finished.  Didn't even get one show in that jumper ring.

I stopped enjoying it, jumping.  It was a constant reminder of what I wasn't going to be able to do with Belle, what she wasn't going to be able to do.  She loves jumping, adores it.  And goodness she was so fun, so fun to jump.  I can't even describe it.

Just one show.  I've been thinking that from time to time all this time.  Just one show, couldn't we have had just one show?  She would've shined, she would've been so great.

But then part of me wonders if it would've been worse to bear if I'd had that one show.  Because I'd no longer be wondering how we did, but would've known for sure.

Then I tried to hide it again, the anger and disappointment.  I'm fine, really.  Dressage is fun, impressive actually.  The amount of work that goes into those movements?  Wow.  Even started day dreaming about grand prix dressage.  Canter pirouettes and tempi changes?  Drool worthy for sure.  Definitely genuine feelings there.  And it does feel right, or did at the time.

Now I'm in a swirl of uncertainty.

I know part of the issue is pretty big.  My church attendance is sparse, I don't remember the last time I looked at my scriptures, praying is a bit better but not really, and tithing?  Ick.

And I know now why it's been such a struggle.  I keep thinking:  I trusted You.  You led me to that path and took it away, why?  I find myself struggling to trust Him.

But it's not a fun place to be.  I'm unsteady, I'm not grounded and if things go wrong they're harder to bear.  I don't deny any truth I've learned I just can't find myself to trust completely like I used to.

He wants me to rely on Him, I know that.  But there's a hesitation with Him there that I have with the rest of the world, and I don't like it but don't know how to shake it off.  I don't know how to open myself up again.

I'm a trusting person, until that trust gets broken.

It's confusing, I want it to end and I know there's a purpose.  I just can't figure it out.  I feel trapped in a limbo and I want to progress.  But I know I have to trust.

I'm just tired of things getting taken away.

But I have to remember the good I have too.  Sure she's not jumping, but man is Belle getting so strong.  Though I'm still terrified I'll jinx it.  I'm always scared I'll push too hard and she'll break again.  Which makes me scared that I'll shatter, cause I don't think I put myself together properly.

I think right now what I'm really tired of is trying to be strong when I feel anything but.  I'm tired of being complimented when I don't feel worthy of it.  Some parts of my life are going great and others are a complete mess. (Like my house, it's a mess too).