Freedom

It's high time I admitted something that has taken me almost two years to admit.  I've admitted it to myself, but I feel the need to admit it in a more public manner.

There was a time, that I was a part of a group of what I used to call friends.  We had met online, all enjoyed writting, and spent quite a bit of time sharing stories and chatting.  I gained a lot of wonderful things (and a really awesome friend whose always been there for me).  But, through a series of events that would take too much time to get into, it became an unhealthy environment.  To the point that it was mentally abusive.

As much as part of me hates admitting it, I very much struggle to stand my ground.  Struggle to stand up for myself, and walk away from situations that are bad for me.  I was mistreated, my friend was mistreated.  It even got to the point where I was ostrisized, and then critized for finally walking away.  And instead of admitting how deeply I had been hurt, I covered it up.

But I've learned (a few times over) that wounds left untreated fester, and eventually get infected.

I struggle to trust.  I've always been slow to open up (even to my own family) but now it's that much harder.  It's terrifying for me to open up and tell people what's really going on, because I've had it thrown in my face and trodden on.

I've been trying to move past it, to forget about it.  But I've been carrying it with me because I refused to admit what it was that really happened...  I had people I counted and trusted as friends, completely betray me and treat me wrongly.

Now, I'm not trying to turn this into a sob story.  Because all that isn't what's important.  What is, is the most wonderful feeling that overcame me while all this was being figured out.

I've talked about my writting block many times on here, because it's really distressing to an aspiring author to not be able to write.  It kind of hinders things.  But, I have realized that, yes I understood the feelings that were blocking me, but I hadn't fully understood where those feelings came from.

My anxieties that I've always had were magnified by those people with whome I shared my stories.  They over critizized them, and through my stories and characters, attacked me.

But... Something really, really wonderful happened when I finally figured it out.  I felt like I could finally, truly let it go.  Yes it was awful, yes it left its scars.... But by admitting that it did in fact hurt me, I could finally move past those awful feelings and let them go.

For the first time in a really long time, I felt free.  I felt like laughing and crying at the same time.  I prayed more earnestly and sincerely than I have in months, thanking Him for helping me through this.  And for having the patience to wait for me to figure out what He's been trying to tell me (Like I said, it happened quite a while ago).  I also thanked Him for everything that has been happening because I've learnt a lot about myself.  I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths (though sometimes I don't admit them and doubt them), and I know what I can do to improve.

So, now's the time to actually freaking write something!

I finally watched the second part of the Deathly Hallows tonight...  I feel kind of silly saying this.  But I really hope, and really want to write something that can have as much impact as Harry Potter did.  It is sad that it's over.  That there's no more to look forward too (from that series).  And I know that there's plenty of other good books... But nothing quite like those ones.

What can I say?  I've always aimed high.