To Be Human

Every have a week, where eveything is going fantastically for the first half, and then WHAM! It's like you hit a brick wall and everything crumbles. Sometimes you run into it repeatedly, over the course of months.

This past week was one of those weeks. Mon-Wed were awesome! Work went great, I was finally feeling speedy again, riding was super fun... Then the storm hit. 90km/hr wind, rain, lightening, the works. Me did not sleep and then of course I became a zombie. Then after a series of mishaps and such, I've a nice shaped, barely visible bruise and a taped up thumb.

For most of saturday I was still laughing at the whole thing. I tend to be more on the positive side of things, but I think it was partly due to sleep deprivation that I was still recovering from. Cause that evening as I was attempting to wrap Belle. My optimism unravelled along with her stable wraps.

It wasn't pretty. There may have been yelling.

Which perhaps explains why today, despite the fact that I know better, I did not go to church. I've felt a little overwhelmed at times this summer. It's been a consistently vicious cycle of extremely awesome moments followed by downright catastrophic ones! (Aright, catastrophic is slighty exaggerating it, but it's close enough). I think it's me going: I need a freaking day off!

Though it does make me feel bad because I love going to church. It always cheers me up, makes me feel stronger, and reminds me of what good I have in my life. Yet for the past few weeks (months) it's been a struggle each and every week. And more often than not lately I choose not to go. Sometimes for good reasons, but more often it seems, it's simply because I don't want too.

My mom though is always there to remind myself that hey, I'm perfectly normal! (Which is someimes disappointing, but is very comforting when I'm struggling). It is overwhelming to move out, with added expenses and having to be in charge, but hugely worth it. It's also tiring to work 6 days a week, but I wouldn't change that! I'm never bored and doing what I love!! (Okay, sometimes I zone out filling buckets, but most of the time I'm having a ball)

But really, right now I'm finding it hard to look forward too, and plan the next few months. Am I going to have a horse to show next summer? I'm hoping, but I really don't know. (And I hate not knowing). I also don't know when (some days if) Belle's going to get better. But I also refuse to give up, which is why I'm still going to acuire dressage tack (more saddle pads yay!) and hope for the best.

Even if it's sometimes really, really hard to be hopeful.

And really, I think the main issue with Church at the moment is that I'm struggling between faith nd anger towards God. Part of me knows every single thing that has happened is for my good (and a lot of it really has been awesome!) But the other part can't help but wonder why. Why so long? When can I ride my horse again? Why is this happening? When will things go right?

But I try to remind myself of what has gone right. I moved out, my coach being awesome and letting me not only ride, but show one of her horses! And work off Belle's board. Then I got provided with awesome job #2, with great people to work with and even more wonderful riding opportunities that are making me a much stronger rider!

And this whole summer has reminded me how stubborn I am. Cause I refuse to give up. Haven't yet, not about to start now. I am stronger, and will be even more so. And I'm sure by the end of all this I'll admit He was right, and thank Him for it. (Hopefully before the end).

In the meantime, I'll just keep vetwrapping my finger and daydream about winning competitions with my horse. (We totally make Grand Prix in my mind )