Let it Out and Let it Go

Thursday was a bit of a crappy day for me.  Sort of.  Work went great!  Had a lovely ride, then got a message from my coach saying my pony had trouble putting weight on her back leg for the farrier.

Heart went plummeting.  As I finished up with the horse I'd just finished riding, I kept thinking: 'Oh no, I told you I couldn't handle this again, not again not now.  But help me cause I know I can't do it alone I don't have it in me anymore.'  And so on.

Got home as fast as I could, never noticed how long 30min can seem and was suddenly very grateful I'd already fueled up my car that morning.

Get to my pony, put her on the lunge line and sure enough she was no longer sound.

Me was seriously ticked off.

And I didn't have any hope.  It's eerie that it's just a few weeks away from the date of when she got injured last year, so close to show season that I was like: Are you kidding me?  What do you want from me, what?

I felt like I was watching all that hard work wash down the drain.

I was also really confused.  Because I've been getting this feeling that I'll be showing Belle in that first show on June 9th.  I have to get the entry in by May 26th at the latest.  And here she was looking broken again.

I came really close to wanting to give up on Him and the Church truthfully.

The rest of the day felt like a constant battle between one side and the other.  The part of me that at that point was stubbornly holding on to what I knew to be true and the other side kept countering with: why bother?  Everything I every try to do in accordance to His will turns out in disappointment!  Guys, this, what's the point?

But, I eventually got ready for bed.  I wouldn't necessarily call it a prayer, but I told Him everything I was feeling.  It was pretty and was definitely hostile, but I said everything I was feeling.  Then, I put on a talk from April 2011 General Conference.  The Atonement Covers All pain (I think...)  It was the one were the speaker related an event where he was in line for a promotion, he'd worked hard and was fully qualified, but was turned down because he was Mormon.

He'd also gotten angry with God.  But later repented and went on to realize it was a good thing that had happened.

But I was still to angry to take that step.  I knew I should, but I couldn't.  But I did ask for Him to help me take it, but I wasn't sincere.

Next morning I was definitely still really angry.  I kept up a constant stream of I don't get it, and so on.  But on my drive in to work I was like: Okay, I really need you to soften my heart because it's really hard right now.  I know I should trust you.  Belle is the one I'm showing at that show right?  (got a yes)  Then help me have the faith to make it happen because right now I don't have it and I can't get it.

When my boss walked into the stable and asked how I was I grunted, it's easier and faster than explaining how I felt.  Told her that Belle was hurt again and was worse than she'd ever been.  Then she said it could be a bruise.  (My coach had also told me it could be a fluke thing, but as with the above, I wasn't very hopeful).  And that often when horses bruise themselves it's like they're broken.

It's like a switch was flipped and suddenly I was completely flooded with hope.  But admittedly still wary, still a little afraid to be completely hopeful.

That, I know, was the answer to my prayer.

I'm not happy with how I handled it... but there was something cleansing about the experience.

I have a really bad habit of trying to hold in the bad thoughts and emotions I don't want to have, but when I do that, they slowly chew away and eat at me.  But this time it was instant and forceful, but they all came out.  Even doubts I didn't realize I'd had surfaced, but now I can deal with them instead of hiding them.

Let out any bad emotions, let your doubts out, and let them go.  You'll feel lighter afterward.



Also... When did this blog hit 700 pageviews???  Thanks everyone!! :D