Awkward Confession Time

Firstly, apologize for the two posts in less than whatever time it will be when I'm done this post.  But when promptings poke, they poke hard.

So this may (and hopefully) come as a shocker to some of you.  But I have terrible, terrible, terrible pms (tmi?  yeah...)  Not bad horrible cramps (had them, they thankfully went away) but mood swings that if you saw me at my worst, you wouldn't recongise me.

This week was extra horrible.  Heck it's been getting consistently worse every month, and this week's craptastic weather did not help.  Not only does weather like that make me tired normally, week before the fantastic week (sarcarsm) I get super exhausted.  So I was extra super exhausted which also meant I had far less mental energy to work with.

I tend to call this mood swing my homocidal rages.  What generally gets the brunt of it are the walls, the air, or this afternoon every piece of paper I could find and tear up.  These moods aren't just a bad mood.  It's like this vicious beast is boiling under the skin and it takes everything I have not to let it burst out.  And sometimes it does, and I just can't freaking control it.  I've tried everything I can think of.  I've tried birth control, makes me depressed.  I've tried midol, also makes me depressed.  I've tried screaming, makes me madder.  I feel like my choices during this oh so lovely time of the month is either being a tyrant or being completely and totally depressed.

Let's just say it's a miserable two ish weeks.  Half a month, every month, drains me every freaking thing I have.  Nothing is fun because I spend most of the time trying not to loose my temper, and if I do I beat myself up for it.

I sent a text to my mom this afternoon along the lines of "sometimes I really hate being a woman."

And I seriously mean it.

The worst part is, and this hit me like a ton of bricks as I was driving to my parents, is that all this lovelyness is part of the reason I am terrified, literally terrified of becoming pregnant.  I'm terrified I'm going to be a monster when those hormones kick in.

People keep telling me it gets worse and then wave it off like it's no big deal.

I already barely have control over myself in the best of times, and people tell me it's going to get worse??  FOR NINE MONTHS?  I don't want to think about it, it makes me panic, then cry, then panic some more.

There are days I lock myself away because I don't trust myself around others.  Sometimes it does help to be around people but most of the time it's exhausting because I have to keep checking myself.  I barely talk when I'm in those moods cause my filter is usually non existent.  The worst is that the moments when I'm in a good mood are so fleeting, it's like all I can be is miserable and I'm so sick of living like that from month to month.

Yep... now to go sleep g'night peoples!