To Be Human

Every have a week, where eveything is going fantastically for the first half, and then WHAM! It's like you hit a brick wall and everything crumbles. Sometimes you run into it repeatedly, over the course of months.

This past week was one of those weeks. Mon-Wed were awesome! Work went great, I was finally feeling speedy again, riding was super fun... Then the storm hit. 90km/hr wind, rain, lightening, the works. Me did not sleep and then of course I became a zombie. Then after a series of mishaps and such, I've a nice shaped, barely visible bruise and a taped up thumb.

For most of saturday I was still laughing at the whole thing. I tend to be more on the positive side of things, but I think it was partly due to sleep deprivation that I was still recovering from. Cause that evening as I was attempting to wrap Belle. My optimism unravelled along with her stable wraps.

It wasn't pretty. There may have been yelling.

Which perhaps explains why today, despite the fact that I know better, I did not go to church. I've felt a little overwhelmed at times this summer. It's been a consistently vicious cycle of extremely awesome moments followed by downright catastrophic ones! (Aright, catastrophic is slighty exaggerating it, but it's close enough). I think it's me going: I need a freaking day off!

Though it does make me feel bad because I love going to church. It always cheers me up, makes me feel stronger, and reminds me of what good I have in my life. Yet for the past few weeks (months) it's been a struggle each and every week. And more often than not lately I choose not to go. Sometimes for good reasons, but more often it seems, it's simply because I don't want too.

My mom though is always there to remind myself that hey, I'm perfectly normal! (Which is someimes disappointing, but is very comforting when I'm struggling). It is overwhelming to move out, with added expenses and having to be in charge, but hugely worth it. It's also tiring to work 6 days a week, but I wouldn't change that! I'm never bored and doing what I love!! (Okay, sometimes I zone out filling buckets, but most of the time I'm having a ball)

But really, right now I'm finding it hard to look forward too, and plan the next few months. Am I going to have a horse to show next summer? I'm hoping, but I really don't know. (And I hate not knowing). I also don't know when (some days if) Belle's going to get better. But I also refuse to give up, which is why I'm still going to acuire dressage tack (more saddle pads yay!) and hope for the best.

Even if it's sometimes really, really hard to be hopeful.

And really, I think the main issue with Church at the moment is that I'm struggling between faith nd anger towards God. Part of me knows every single thing that has happened is for my good (and a lot of it really has been awesome!) But the other part can't help but wonder why. Why so long? When can I ride my horse again? Why is this happening? When will things go right?

But I try to remind myself of what has gone right. I moved out, my coach being awesome and letting me not only ride, but show one of her horses! And work off Belle's board. Then I got provided with awesome job #2, with great people to work with and even more wonderful riding opportunities that are making me a much stronger rider!

And this whole summer has reminded me how stubborn I am. Cause I refuse to give up. Haven't yet, not about to start now. I am stronger, and will be even more so. And I'm sure by the end of all this I'll admit He was right, and thank Him for it. (Hopefully before the end).

In the meantime, I'll just keep vetwrapping my finger and daydream about winning competitions with my horse. (We totally make Grand Prix in my mind )

Figuring Things Out

So, I've been attempting (using the word loosely) to write a fantasy series of novels for almost two years. "Attempting" because there has been stretches of months where I literally have not touched it.

It's rather frustrating, because for years and years I've been hoping an idea would spring into my head that had enough substance to make a series. I now have the idea for three different series, that tie together, plus a few others that aren't connected.... Yet there has been no progress past outlining, more outlining, and simply just whining.

I'd try, but I'd get a most four or five sentences out and it'd whither and die. At first I thought I was being too perfectionistic, trying to get it right the first time. But I realized it's a bit more than that (Cause that's definitely part of it) it's fear. Fear has been holding me back.

What's so scary about writing? Nothing, but I'm scared of getting it wrong. Not capturing the story and the characters well enough, scared it's too boring, scared the story isn't paced right, scared my grammar is too rusty for me to form proper sentence structure.

So all this fear turned into glue that clogged my creative channels and gave me nothing to work with. I had no flow and without any flow, I can't write.

Which is partly why I've never followed through with the idea of taking an online english course to brush up, I may still do that, but once I have a first draft that's ready for editing.

There are days I definitely wish I could turn off my brain, just the fear and doubt side that's oh so irritating. But I guess I'll just have to tough it out as per usual.

But hopefully now that I've actually figured out the root of the problem I'll be able to actually write these stories.... Because I keep getting more ideas and will be writing for the rest of my life! Not that I'm complaining. :)

If You Insist

I had a very interesting experience today. I was preparing myself for the day and making a general to do list to get through (hopefully) within this next week. Then quite clearly, I got the impression I should go to the tack store. That made me stop and really think on it. I was like: Really? But it's the sabbath, I try not to buy anything on the sabbath!

But quite clearly I felt like it was what I needed to do, that I'd receive some much needed guidance. So after loading my car with my laundry and computer, I was on my way! I did stop at the tack store, feeling a bit jittery since I really don't do actual shopping on the sabbath (not that I haven't had days that I haven't bought something, cause it does happen sometimes...) But I didn't end up buying anything. Just read some things that reminded me of what I already know and can do, and it was what I needed.

I also saw that show breeches are %50 off! Though I'd already received a tip on that.

It was nice, I hadn't received direction that clear in a long, long while.