Christmas Time!

It's funny how every year there's this huge build up prior to Christmas and it feels like it takes forever to get here.  And then just like that it's gone!

This year was really good!  I think Callan made it extra special because for the first Christmas ever I didn't care about getting the presents opened, I was just so excited to see what he'd think of the whole hting.  And it was just so nice to be with family and be able to relax.

It went by so fast but at the same time it feels like it was so long ago!

And I'm super excited about my crock pot!  Amazing how priorities change over the years!

Dating....

So I was reading from this great blog about how to attract a mentor and I couldn't help but notice so many similarities with dating.  In fact if anything it's exactly the same.  Because really finding that person you want to marry shouldn't be any more difficult than finding friends.

But it seems, because of it's importance people tend to put a little too much thought into it.

I've hit a stage where if I did swear it'd have to be bleeped out.  But I've hit that oh "forget" it stage, because for years it has been very, very frustrating to deal with people of the opposite gender.  And most of the frustration is from lack of time, because really "lack of time" is lack of proper motivation*.  Because when I can I will make time to see friends, etc.

*but it also means I like to be in bed by 9:30 cause I get sleepy at 8....

But I'm also incredibly frustrated because I look at the history of guys I've dealt with and oh... my... GOSH!!  It has "I'm too nice" written all over it.

Anywhoo, while I was reading that blog post I came across this great  statement:

Finding the right mentor will involve this frustrating x factor that you cannot control. Don’t try too hard to conjure it on your own—when you put a lot of effort into forming a friendship it is embarrassingly transparent. And it will have the adverse effect of what you are hoping for.

 I've had guys try way, way, way too hard to form a relationship with me.  And when I read this it was an: oh my gosh THANK YOU! moment!  Because it really is so freaking transparent, and really does send the message of either

1. They're desperate.
2. Or they're creepy.
3. Or both.

I've dealt with these a lot. I've also got quite a block list going on on fb...

Because nothing is more frustrating than having someone constantly AT you trying desperately to get you.  It is NOT flattering and really gives absolutely no consideration to the person you're trying so hard to be with.

You have to be aware of the person you're talking to or trying to you.  What's their body language like?  Are they meeting your eyes?  Are they smiling or grimacing?  Are they glancing towards the door?  Do they seem genuinely  happy to be around you and talking?

AND let me just say, just because some is happy and having doesn't automatically mean they're interested in that way and there is nothing wrong with that.  I struggle with this sometimes too, and it's really hard if you do have a crush on someone.  But that's when it's important to take a deep breath, step back, and just see how the encounter turns out.

Don't get me wrong, I've made plenty of embarrassing dating mistakes that make me want to crawl into a hole and hide when I think of them.  But really, you just have to laugh, shrug and move one cause it's part of being human.  We tend to muss things up, but that's a part of learning.

Take it slow too.  Don't rush or push because that just drives people away.  Some people might be carrying around baggage that'll take time to let go of.  And they may not want to tell you about it after three dates because they just don't trust you enough to open up to you.  And don't take that personally either.

And if you do have baggage?  Wait a little bit before talking about it... It's not a first date kind of thing.

So really, I guess I just feel like dating is being taken way, way too seriously.  Just get to know people and see where it leads.  Take the time to listen, take the time to observe and learn about the people around you.  Because anyone can take you completely by surprise.

That's also where I'm at too.  Sure I have a some guys I'm interested in but I'm mainly just waiting to see what comes along and who'll surprise me.

Which may take a while since I've been a semi-hermit for a few weeks.  Now to go back to snoozing to send this cold on it's way.

I Found Me Again

So as you who've been reading for a while know I've been struggling for a while with writing.

Every so often I'd have an aha!  moment, that wouldn't last long and fizzle out.  But I've been reading this great blog, and it has helped me remember what is that I really, truly, love about stories and what I love about writing.

Characters  

Every single story that I absolutely adore has characters in it that tugged at my heartstrings in some form or another.  It could be the villain, it could be the hero, it could be a little side character.  But some where in that story was a character that made me feel.

And really, characters are what truly drive a plot.

For years I've been reading about how to make plots, outlines, etc, trying to get through this major block.  And none of it was working.  But this morning I had a huge, huge moment of clarity that left me shaking.

For the first time in  years I thought about my characters, and what really drove them.  Man vs Self  the true conflict of any story.  It what grips us whether we realize it or not.  So I thought, and holy crap, I'm so freaking excited to introduce you all to my characters.

I was in awe.  And really quite humbled that these guys are in my head.

So I opened up a document and wrote outlines of my characters journeys with themselves throughout the story.  And completely left out any details of "the plot".  Cause I remembered that when I truly got into my writing, when I used to have flow, I wrote characters.  I used to always describe myself as a character writer.  I'd focus on them and let them tell the story through their actions and their relationships with the people around them.

I also totally adore my villains.

Recently one of my friends while we were baking wondered about how those nasty villains come to be, what kind of person creates those?  Or one time at church while discussing the Hunger Games with someone, they wondered how someone could write something that violent.

The thing is, characters and stories are as much a discovery for the writer as it is for you readers.  And the stories, the villains, are the means to introduce you to the real story.  The characters and what they have to learn and overcome about themselves.  And sometimes the villains themselves are the stories.

For example, the Phantom of the Opera.  Would we love the story as much if the Phantom wasn't the way he is?   He's a tragic soul, but isn't that what's so compelling about him?  In the end he chooses to let Kristine go, thinking of her instead of himself.

And the character I am the most excited about writing is very much a villain.  I won't say more, but man oh man I can't wait for you guys to meet him!

Now, back to writing my characters.

Goals

Kay life:
1.Finally saw Skyfall with my brother last weekend.  Oh.  My.  Gosh!!  I've never actually been scared watching a Bond film before, and I was most definitely on the edge of my seat with my heart pounding for most of it!  Totally, totally brilliant!  I can't wait to see what they do next!

2.Was in a wicked bad mood this week.  Been in a wicked bad mood for a while now, most unlike me.  Then on Friday it went poof!  Don't care why, just glad that's gone.  Also totally helped that my horse was a superstar and my coach helped me through some problems I've been having.
1st level is looking reachable again, woot!

3.My brain kicked into overdrive last night.
I'd just turned out my lights and settled onto my pillow and suddenly I was like: If money was no object what kind of facility would I really want to have?  And even though I went through a lot of the material things, it also somehow put into perspective how I'd want to run my business, what kind of clientele I'd like to attract, and so on.
And then this morning I read a great article from Dressage Today about how some people went pro under the mentorship of Lars.... totally blanked on his last name (still learning about the big dressage peeps).  And what really struck me was that it wasn't about winning at shows, it wasn't about the olympics, but about the every day struggles and the journey of training horses.  And I was like: Oh my gosh that's it!!

See for a long while I always, always, always wanted to go to the olympics.  But ever since working for a grand prix show jumper one summer it really hasn't been as important to me.  Yeah sure part of me still really wants to, but I dunno.

And, finally going to admit this to the public, I've been (for the most part) enjoying riding a lot more since I've switched to dressage.

There.  Said it.  This former jumper has completely converted...

Cause there's just... I'm not even sure how to put it into words.  Yeah I've been trying for a few minutes and just can't quite explain it.  But it's a really exciting training a horse through the levels in dressage.  And Belle and I are still schooling 1st/2nd level, I can't wait to feel what it's like to move up higher!

Now I do realize that to reach my goals there's a lot more I need to do.  I need to ride more, and take every opportunity I can.  I've gotten better, but I do still feel I need to do more.  Can we invent an 8th day?

What I really, really want to do though is train horses for people with lower budgets.  Because I love this sport, but it really is geared towards people who either have money or have connections or both.  That's great and all but there's a lot of people who, like me, want it really badly but have neither.  They can't get their hands on those horses that will bring them up the levels, or whatever's holding them back.

But I also know that it is possible for a lot of breeds to compete at whatever level.  Granted it all completely depends on the horse, but having a warmblood also does not guarantee it'll make it grand prix.

I'd also really love to see more programs for adult amatures to give them opporunities like what the junior riders have.  I'm all for getting kids into sports and helping them along.  But what about us folks who work two or more jobs to sustain our riding, and just can't quite get that break we need to get recongized?  To get experience and to get that step up into the professional ranks of things.  Or to get a feel of an olympic style competition?

Kay my brain is shutting off so I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

But even if I don't see it come to pass, I want to have enough influence one day to be able to bring something to the adult amatures.

I'd love more than anything to be training, riding the greener horses, spending more time with horses than doing stalls.  I feel like I'm close and could be there, and I know I need to show more motivation on my part, it's been a struggle for a while.  Sometimes I feel like I chose wrong going to college, but no sense beating myself up about it.  I am learning a lot, and I've gotten a ton of experience and I know it can work cause I'll make it work.  Or something, I dunno.

I just know it's something I really want to do.  Getting a couple rides on my coach's 2 year old really invigorated me.  There's something about a young horse that is just so fun.  A little scary, sure, but hey everything related to horses can be a little scary if you think of the what ifs too much.

But for fun here's the material side of my dream stable:
LOTS of land.  With a forest on property for lots of hacking fun.
Coverall arena and barn.  I love, love, love how bright and airy they are!  No insulation in the barn except for water taps.  Makes blanketing infinitely easier!  (Tackroom, viewing area most definitely heated!)
Number of stalls undecided, but I'd figure around 10-15, at least to start.
Layout also not really important in my mind for now.  But would love an indoor wash stall with hot water (makes washing gray horses so much easier).  But I'm perfectly happy with any form of wash stall.  Also would like grooming stalls, cause they keep the aisles clear!  But a lesser priority.
Arena size, I'm torn.  On the one hand I love the feeling of stepping outside after the winter and finally stepping into a bigger ring.  On the other hand I thought it'd be fun to have it big enough to have a full size dressage ring with a bit of extra room for an indoor fun show or something.  And more room is good for clinics!

There was more, but a lot of it is still flexible in my mind because although I have my ideal if I see a freaking gorgeous already set up place that I like and can afford I'd take it.  Or on the other hand I'm completely willing to compromise things to get set up and running and improve as I go.

But it felt nice to finally have something more concrete in my mind.  Makes it easier to work towards it.

Doubts and Impasses

I have a bad habit of not opening up.  Of not letting people in.  Of not letting people know when I am struggling.  So here's me opening up.  One of these days I'll actually say it.

But the thing is lately I've had doubts encroaching my mind.  Doubts about the truth of things.  And I realize those doubts have been allowed to take root because 1, i failed to acknowledge them, and 2, I've not been diligent in my prayers or scripture study or church attendance (and sadly the list goes on).

We've learned about patterns, and how often patterns are lessons and are repeated  until we've learned the lesson.  I've been living this pattern for over a year now.  One of these days I'm going to learn it cause I'd really like something new to happen in my life.  (But sometimes that also scares me).

But with these moments of doubt, beautiful moments of truth have come.  They've been soft, quiet, but they have been there.

Lately I've doubted Agency, I've doubted how much of our will is actually free if there is so much restriction.  Why the commandments, why living the way we do?  Why why why why why... But I've also realized that I've been moping cause I wasn't being aloud to sin and be happy.

But through that, I've been guided lovingly, gently, to messages that countered those doubts.  They reminded me that I am in control of my happiness.  I'm in control of what to do in my life.  And I think those doubts came because I misunderstood how we're guided in life.n

I often make the mistakes of wanting to know the right choice before I make it so I don't make a bad one.  But as it says in the scriptures, that's being a slothful servant.  That won't help me progress and grow and become a truly faithful servant of the Lord capable of changing the world.

So slowly, I've been realizing that I have to act before I can know.  It's a little scary.  But I guess it's like when I was facing the decision to join the church.  I had a feeling but not a knowledge of its truth.  And it wasn't until I leaped that I realized it was.

And although I feel my testimony is very much rattled and shaken and torn, it's not completely gone yet.  I don't deny the truth, I'm just having trouble feeling it like I used to.  But that's my own fault.

I guess I let life beat me down instead of using it to empower me.  Once again I was stubbornly trying to make things better on my own.  (Dear heavens again??)  When that really is not the way to do things.

Give your problems over to the Lord and He'll help you through it.  Not take it away, but guide you so that you can make it through, testimony and faith intact.

But I tend to get stubborn, think I'm right, and frankly want things my way and when I want them.

Oh what a silly child I can be.

However it was eating away at me.  Why are we given all our abilites to reason and think and use logic to make decisions and plans if sometimes those are all taken away and we're not told why?  Why can't we know sometimes?  Why is it veiled from us?

But that's how faith is built.... But for a while, and I still struggle with it a bit.   I did wonder how in the heck that was supposed to build faith.  Especially when decisions were made prayerfully, with confirmation before hand.  And it leads me in completely the opposite direction of what I'd imagined.  (Belle no longer able to jump, dates not happening, friends not coming out at all).

It's left me frustrated and angry and hurt.  And even a little lonely.

Often I feel I'm on my own.  I can't make it out to church activities during the week.  I've got an hour one way trip.  I work early, I work hard, and especially on evenings that I do work it's just not possible.  But it also means I can't spend time with friends and when I can't do that, I can't get close to them.  And when I try, I often feel like my efforts are left in vain.

But, I've had opportunites, here and there, that let me know that I do still have friends, even if I can't see them.  But I've let myself be closed off again.  Cause I keep asking myself when it's going to end.

I feel like my whole life the only people who've stayed when I've gotten close to them, were never close to begin with.  Those who've been in the same city as me have all moved away.  And either by my own negligence or theirs, contact has been lost.

It sucks.  And it makes me wonder how a marriage can be eternal when some friendships that could be, haven't felt like it at all.

This month is the first time since joining the church that I'm not going on a Temple trip with my ward.  I know I need, but I also know I'm not worthy.  I can't confidently answer the questions in the interview for a recommend.  I also haven't payed my tithing at all this month, even though I know the blessings it brings.

I'm stuck at a frustrating impasse with myself.  Where I know what is true, but I just can't bring myself to act on them.  Because of the doubts clouding my mind.

When I do what I know is right, I do feel much, much better and brighter.  But, part of me is so frustrated with the social side of things that happens wherever humans meet in groups, and despite the fact that I know church is not about that.  It's still hard to walk into a building full of people where you don't feel close to anyone.  And see people being close to others.

The people I have felt close to aren't in my ward anymore.  And I don't feel like getting close to others at this point.

It's hard too, cause the people I am close to aren't part of the church.  I want to set a good example, but like I've been saying, it's hard.

But I know my decision to move to the country was right.  If anything it's shown who actually cares about me and who's willing to make the same sacrifice of time as I am.

I also know that Heavenly Father is there when I need him (which is always).  And He's always there waiting for me to stop being prideful and talk to Him.  But lately I haven't been honest and open enough even with Him. There have been too many worldly distractions.

I've been told I can do hard things, and I do believe it.  But man sometimes it's so tempting to just throw in the towel and walk away.

But the part of me that still believes knows that would be the stupidest mistake of my life.  And I've made some pretty stupid ones.

The List!

While watching a movie with my brother and sister in law a few weeks ago, my sister in law looked at me and was like: Oh you so know you have a list!  And I laughed and nodded my head.

The list of course being what I want in a guy.

But the thing is, my list has gotten smaller and smaller over the years.   Yes I used to have the whole must be tall, muscular, into horses, blah, blah blah, blah blah...

Yeaaaaah.

Now my list is this:

1. Has to understand me.
2. Be a good listener.
3. Want to be married in the Temple.

Cause really that's all that matters to me.  Everything else is so not needed to find that guy that I'll want to spend eternity with.  But what does matter to me is that he'll love me for who I am without trying to change me.  And is willing to listen, and I mean really listen.  (Since my last ranty post I think you know how I feel about not being listened too....)

Every so often I still worry about the trivial. What can I say?  There are physical qualities that I'm attracted to.  Oddly enough I've discovered I really like hands.  I first noticed this while watching Prince of Persia.  Jake Gyllenhaal has really nice hands.

 Moving on.

I also worry if whoever that guy will be will be able to keep up with me... Then realized that whoever it is will have to because I ain't slowing down.

But what I really agonize over are the two things on my list.  Sometimes I even get mini panic attacks over them.  What if they try to change me?  Is my biggest fear.  But, even though sometimes I get stuck with a jerk for a little bit of time.  I've always gotten to that heck no point and put an end to harmful relationships before they got really bad.

However, those bad relationships have left me hesitant.  They all started out well enough, but really looking back at them.  They never were good.  It just took me a while to remember what my first impression of them were, and realize that hey, it was right.

I also really just need to remember to trust that whoever God will put into my life will be good for me.  I need to trust His judgment cause I know mine can be led astray.

I know that the guy I'll go to the Temple with will be a great guy.  We'll have a great relationship, we'll have fun and hey, we'll be in love.  This I know.  Cause I'm not settling for anything less.

Just shut up and listen!

Has it really been a month since I last posted?  Life hasn't been nuts per say, but my thoughts have been rather jumbled and occupied.  And I've been writing a little side project just for me just to get me into the habit of writing again.  (Which worked for exactly 20,000 words until I hit a mental block, blegh).

Part of the reason I haven't posted is because I keep getting this nudge to write about a topic that I don't feel like touching, I know I will but right now I just need to spew out thoughts and feelings so I can think straight again.  Cause my tone is a little too angry at this point to deal with it properly.

So, here's my issue.  I know I'm soft spoken, sometimes I stumble over my words and don't speak clearly.  But very, very often, even when I am speaking perfectly clear, I feel like people just don't freaking listen to what I'm saying.

And it's really ticking me off.

I've lost track of all the times people have talked over me, or said something completely opposite to where I was going with that: yeah I totally get  you!  attitude and I'm thinking: No you don't, you missed it completely and don't freaking care.

Sometimes people just get it in their heads that they think they know what I'm going to say and won't acknowledge what I've actually said.  Sometimes people are so determined that they're right that they won't listen to my kind correction (like that float was a giant shopping cart dad, it had nothing to do with hay, but whatever it's not like I live out in the country or anything).

And I think I've just hit a point where I'm like: You know what?  Forget it.  I'm sick and tired of wasting my breath on people who don't listen anyways.  Cause they're not worth it.

The only problem is that there are so many freaking people that don't listen to me.  People think I don't talk often.  It's not that I don't want to or don't like to, I've just given up on trying.  People are too busy with what they have to say.

It makes me feel like people don't actually care about me, which for the most part wouldn't surprise me if it was true.

People just see me as they think I am instead of actually taking the time to get to know me.  Or they pretend to listen and then turn around do exactly the opposite of what I asked.  Or ask me to do something that if they had just payed attention, they would've realized that yeah, it would've been a boneheaded question and best left avoided.

But don't mind me, go ahead and try to tell me how I'm feeling.  It's not like I know myself or anything.  I've just lived with myself for the past 23 years... Aka my entire life.

Ps, I've hit the point where if you don't actually want to listen to me I'll just give up and walk away.  I've dealt with enough jerks in my life to know when to give up.  I'm done.

"Oh You Should Write This!!"

I love my mom, she's very supportive of what I want to do and helps me to do it.  But sometimes she has moments where she just doesn't get it.

For example:  Last night at her birthday dinner we were sitting around chatting, cause that's what people do around the table, and I forget exactly what we were talking about but she said: You'll write it and your brother will illustrate it!

She says this often.  I usually just sigh.  I know she means well, but the fact of the matter is: I have so many story ideas in my head, that nothing related to my life will ever make it into book form.  Only in blog form!  I have so many stories in fact that I know I won't get them all written down while I'm alive.  It also bothers me that she always includes my brother.  I love my brother, he's a great artist, out of practice, but definitely has talent. I have nothing against him, and I know he knows this.  But every time my mom suggest: oh he can illustrate it.  I can't help but think:  Why does he have to be included in what I want to do?  (And I know my brother's cool with it, he usually just looks at me and shakes his head).

See, sometimes I find it very hard to be the youngest.  My mom's very good at including us both, but sometimes I'd really rather she didn't.  I want to write for me.  Not cause I want to be published, not because it'd be cool to say: I'm an author (with severe writer's block).  But because it's a way for me to express myself, get away from the world, and just enjoy what I see in my head.

I do want to get published.  I have big goals and big dreams, and sure I have moments of: Wouldn't it be cool if a book I publish gets made into a movie??  Who doesn't have those moments?  But that's not my motivation.

My motivation is wanting to write down these ideas that are brewing in my head and absolutely refuse to leave me alone.  I want people to get to know the characters in my head, to love them like I do, to feel with and for them.  Heck I want make people cry, be angry, happy, excited, terrified, etc.  I want to make people feel, because I've realized that's what I read for.  That's what I watch movies for.  I need to feel.  I also really want to help the people like me, the reluctant readers who just (at first) can't stand reading.  I want to provide an entrance into the wonderful world of books so people can see just how wonderful it is to step into a world sprung from the imagination of another, and have that world become precious to them.  (Not precious like being tempted by the one ring, cause that'd be creepy).

But I also want to be able to finally look at a hard copy of something I created.  Something I toiled over, cried over, fussed over, and poured everything I had in it.  And I want it to be mine.  I know it won't be my efforts alone that will bring that to pass (eg editors, publishers, agents, friends, family, etc)  I know they'll have a part.  But the creative side needs to be mine.

I don't know if my mom does it because she's worried my brother might regret not taking his shot at being an NHL goalie, and wants him to have a chance at fame.  But I think that's what really bugs me.  Maybe she misunderstands what an author's motivation is (or should be).  We don't write to get rich (most author's aren't).  We don't write to be famous (again, most author's aren't).  We write because we have a story (or stories) that need to get out and won't leave our thoughts.  We also write because we're crazy and are into self inflicted pain (it can be seriously painful to write).  It's not an easy process, it's not a quick process.  But it's a part of our souls and it's near and dear, and it's something that needs to be ours.

I know I'll get that dang story in my head out on paper, I know it.  I think that's also why I'm so gosh darned intimidated by it (finally figured it out btw).  It's big, it's special and it's mine.  And one day I'll introduce you to that world and the people who shape it.

Riding Through the Woods

What can be better than riding through the woods, with friends and gorgeous weather?

Not much, except doing it for a good cause!  Yesterday I tagged along with some friends for a Poker Run for the Heart and Stroke foundation!! (Though I fail at raising donations, and forgot for numerous consecutive weeks to actually raise some money... my bad).

The weather was gorgeous, the trails were covered with leaves, and my trusty steed was her usual perfect trail riding horse self.  (Never even noticed the horse eating rocks and culverts).

We usually end up bringing up the rear on trail rides.  We were second in line for about... a minute?  But were overtaken again.  But I don't mind cause then I can take pictures of everyone else.

Sadly we did not get the winning hand.  Which sucks cause we were one card away from a flush, which would've been the best hand!  It had to be the last card too.  I tried to swap it for a club but the guy just wouldn't let me.

Oh well!

Now off to my nephew's baptism and then off to church!

Wheeeeee

So this week I dove head first into the Mark of Athena and did not re-emerge until I finished.  (The usual with a new book).

Must say: Wow!  Wow, wow, wow!!  It was fantastic!  Plenty suspenseful and even a bit scary!  (And by a bit, I mean terrifying.  One word: spiders).

I will also be cursing that horrible cliffhanger for the next year.  I am also worried how my nerves will be at the end of two more books to this series.  If I'm a raving lunatic you'll know.

But definitely highly recommend.  BUT if you haven't yet been introduced to this wonderful world, you must start at the beginning.  Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief beginning, and then read that series, then you can start on the Heroes of Olympus series.  Go forth and conquer.

In other news I stumbled upon an oh duh moment this week.

Usually while I work, I daydream about some pretty epic stuff.  Dragons, sword fights, etc.  And then it suddenly hit me:  why don't I write these down???

I've been trying to find ways to do a little bit of writing every day.  My writing muscles have been extremely shot lately, but I couldn't figure out how to work them out.

So I pulled out my phone and started writing while I was filling water buckets.  I ACTUALLY WROTEDED!! :D  And even more excitedly for the first time in a loooooooong time, the scene actually ran away with me and surprised even me.

Oh boy it felt good!

Once I transfer it onto my compy and do some edits, I will post it here... Potentially.  Or keep it secret until it explodes into a full length story of some kind.  (No clue, just writing it cause it's there).

But I will tell you that it involves dragons and sci fi.

And a dance club.

The Filter is Disappearing

I've been noticing something more and more lately.  I say what's on my mind a lot more frequently than I used too... Little comments here and there... and I've got to say it's quite liberating.

I think I've reached that: ah whatever!  level.  Cause I realized not saying exactly what's on your mind causes more problems and headaches than it solved.

Though I've also noticed sometimes I have to repeat something ten times before it clicks.  And even then sometimes people still hear what they want to hear.

But that's okay, those people can continue to live in their own little world, cause I've also learned sometimes it really is not worth the trouble of trying to get people to understand.  Cause sometimes they just don't.

Yesterday some friends came over and brought along even more friends (yay!)  And we got to hang out for a few hours.  And someone at one point wondered aloud what it would be like if everyone spoke the truth.  Part of me died of embarrassement, thinking of all the guys I would've outright blurted I either had a crush on, or thought they were hot, or said that I thought they were super creepy and that I felt like running and screaming.

But then the other side of me felt that that would be a truly liberating feeling.  Imagine saying exactly what's on your mind all the time?

I also feel like we'd be on WW43 if that was the case, but minor details, right?

Make the Choice

So I'd been feeling moody and emo for quie a long while... And recently it got to a point where I was really pondering through my feelings and I realized I was tried with being angry, I was tired with making myself miserable.  I missed the positive me that used to see the sun on a cloudy day.

One day I read this.  And I realized I had to answer to myself one question.

Who was I really mad at?

And I realized quite quickly it was myself.  I was mad at myself for not acting faithfully, for not meeting the trial of my faith head on and growing stronger from it, for not taking the opportunity to come closer to Christ through my suffering.  And then just like that, it all left.

I can see life clearly again.

Cause I also realized that yeah, I screwed up then, but I can do right now.  Repentance and the Atonement are awesome like that.

It also reminded me of how important choice is in our lives.  We have the power to choose anything.  Including faith and happiness.  It doesn't matter what has happened, what you're going through or if the entire world is falling into chaos.  You can still thrive and be happy, especially through trials and adversity.

You and I have the power to choose how we will react to our lives.  And the power to choose whether or not to be happy.

It all starts with choice.  Then taking the steps necessary to ensure that that choice will become a reality.  And then you have to do everything you can to maintain it.  You can't sit around and expect what you want to be handed to you.

For me, I needed to look at myself and clearly see what it was I was really feeling and how it was affecting me.  Then I prayed, repented, and got back on the wagon of prayer in scripture study.  I'm  most definitely not back to where I was, but I also realized something extremely important.

What was is in the past and will not be again.  That does not mean that what's to come can never be as good.  If anything it grants the possibility that the future will be more amazing that we can ever imagine it to be.

If you do all in your power to do what's right, good things will come.  Sometimes they won't be what you hope for, but it's always exactly what you need.  And sometimes the results of your faith and diligence will completely blow you away.

Last weekend were the Eastern Division Silver Dressage Championships.  I spent the night before nursing a bruised foot,

Courtesy of Belle.

reading the scriptures and watching Facing the Giants.

The morning of was crisp with a clear blue sky and bright sunlight.  I rode the best I've ridden all season, Belle was focused and absolutely fantastic!  For the first time all season I felt great after riding both my tests!  I didn't care how we placed, cause I felt we did the best we could.  (Now I was aiming for Champion, but that's the whole point of competing yes? :)

Right before going in for my second test, my coach tells me we placed 2nd in our first test.  I was like: Holy crap!  Belle we could win this!!!  So I went in for it with my game face and was like: Oh yeah, bring it on.  Our test went really well.  As we walked back to the trailer I was beaming and repeatedly saying: Thank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank you (etc)!  We placed 3rd!

We won Reserve Champion for our division (Adult Amateur)!!  Seriously in awe and completely overjoyed!!!  Profoundly grateful and so happy for that!!

I was not expecting that on tuesday I'd recieve news that we won Reserve High Point of the entire show!!  Which means we had the second highest test score!!  Oh my gosh I'm still pinching myself!!

I'm so so so so so grateful and I know that as long as we put our trust in Him he'll bless us beyond our wildest dreams.  But we also have to put in the effort.

So proud of my awesome girl!!

Watch.

Here's the Shout that's Been Wanting Out.

I find it amusing sometimes how God speaks to me.  He knows me well, because He knows exactly how to get me to understand Him, and hear Him when He speaks.  It also helps remind me that He loves me dearly, because He also knows I love to laugh.

Every so often though I hear a message that I wish I could un hear.  The lastest?  Repeated lessons until you've learned it.

Quite honestly it makes me think: Are you kidding me??  Did you not see how it happened the last few times?  I really don't want to go through it again.

He also tends to shift His angle a little.  The last shift drove the nail home, but it also sent me reeling.  I won't go into details here, it's a part of me I don't share with the world.

See, for the past year and a half (dear heavens time flies!) I've been struggling with trust.  I've also been struggling with my faith.  I've also been struggling with the instability that has come with loosing a bit of both those things.  I'd had two blissful (mostly) years relying beautifully and wholly upon those two things.  Then something happened that left me completely shaken.

For those who don't know, for as long as I can remember (since I was 4) I'd wanted to be a jumper.  Not just any jumper, a grand prix, go to the olympics and get gold for Canada jumper.  It had been taken me longer than I would've liked, but that was due to lack of proper motivation and dedication and having a long string of terrible coaches.

But, a year and a half ago I thought I was finally making it!  I was taking that crucial first step to my goal, actually getting into the jumper ring... Not the hunters, the jumpers!  I was so excited, so scared, but so excited.  Belle felt great, on good days I felt confident.

Then, during an awesome jump schooling session, Belle with her awesome heart pushed just a little too hard and injured her suspensory ligament.  Wouldn't be until months later that I'd learn that she wouldn't be jumping again.

I tried to deny it, I tried to deny what was welling up.  And let me tell you, don't deny the demons cause that's when they take hold.

It left me shaken, and it really it left me feeling abandoned.

I couldn't help but be completely furious.  I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do.  I kept saying.  I thought this was what you wanted me to do?  Why are you taking it away?

I had prayed, pleaded, and worked for what I thought I was meant to do, and right as it was all supposed to start, it was done.  Finished.  Didn't even get one show in that jumper ring.

I stopped enjoying it, jumping.  It was a constant reminder of what I wasn't going to be able to do with Belle, what she wasn't going to be able to do.  She loves jumping, adores it.  And goodness she was so fun, so fun to jump.  I can't even describe it.

Just one show.  I've been thinking that from time to time all this time.  Just one show, couldn't we have had just one show?  She would've shined, she would've been so great.

But then part of me wonders if it would've been worse to bear if I'd had that one show.  Because I'd no longer be wondering how we did, but would've known for sure.

Then I tried to hide it again, the anger and disappointment.  I'm fine, really.  Dressage is fun, impressive actually.  The amount of work that goes into those movements?  Wow.  Even started day dreaming about grand prix dressage.  Canter pirouettes and tempi changes?  Drool worthy for sure.  Definitely genuine feelings there.  And it does feel right, or did at the time.

Now I'm in a swirl of uncertainty.

I know part of the issue is pretty big.  My church attendance is sparse, I don't remember the last time I looked at my scriptures, praying is a bit better but not really, and tithing?  Ick.

And I know now why it's been such a struggle.  I keep thinking:  I trusted You.  You led me to that path and took it away, why?  I find myself struggling to trust Him.

But it's not a fun place to be.  I'm unsteady, I'm not grounded and if things go wrong they're harder to bear.  I don't deny any truth I've learned I just can't find myself to trust completely like I used to.

He wants me to rely on Him, I know that.  But there's a hesitation with Him there that I have with the rest of the world, and I don't like it but don't know how to shake it off.  I don't know how to open myself up again.

I'm a trusting person, until that trust gets broken.

It's confusing, I want it to end and I know there's a purpose.  I just can't figure it out.  I feel trapped in a limbo and I want to progress.  But I know I have to trust.

I'm just tired of things getting taken away.

But I have to remember the good I have too.  Sure she's not jumping, but man is Belle getting so strong.  Though I'm still terrified I'll jinx it.  I'm always scared I'll push too hard and she'll break again.  Which makes me scared that I'll shatter, cause I don't think I put myself together properly.

I think right now what I'm really tired of is trying to be strong when I feel anything but.  I'm tired of being complimented when I don't feel worthy of it.  Some parts of my life are going great and others are a complete mess. (Like my house, it's a mess too).

Let me rephrase that..

So I read this blog post this morning.  By Rick Riordan, might've heard of him.  And he said somethings that really struck me and opened my eyes.

It's not my perfectionist side that's been getting in the way of my writing.  It's that I forgot why it was I got into it in the first place.

He said:

"We write, I hope, because we have a story to tell. How easy it is to lose sight of that, but the goal of writing is telling a good story. To be a writer, it’s not enough simply to love the idea of writing, or to dream of being published. You have to forget that. You have to find the story you must tell – the story so important to you personally that you have no choice but to write it. For me, I first got that feeling with Big Red Tequila, a story about a detective who goes home to Texas from San Francisco. It was a story born out of homesickness. I would have written it for myself whether it got published or not. But it felt different from anything else I’d ever done. I knew, deep down, that this story would get published. Then, with the Percy Jackson series, I had that sense again. I was writing a modern myth, an allegory to help my son make sense of who he was. I would have written it whether it was published or not. And it’s that very fact that made it publishable."

What I remember now, from when I was younger, was just being so excited that I had this story in my head and I couldn't wait to get it down on paper!  I was always excited for creative writing assignments cause there was so much in my head wanting to get out!

But I did also realize why I am struggling so much to get my fantasy series out of my head.  I do have that deep down sense that it will be published.  I felt it from the first moments it came to me.  It's different from anything else that's been in my head, and it's big.  It's special.  And I've put a lot of pressure on myself because I want to get it just right.  However, it's not going to come out if I don't focus on what's really important in writing.

The story.

And the story is wonderful, I'm in awe at it.  I love the characters, I love the world and I do love the story.  But I also realized that this story will not come out into the world unless I bring it out.  It's up to me, it's my responsibility to see that it gets written.

Ah writing, how I've missed you!

So let me say that I'm totally in love with this short story that I'm working on.

It's not that I think it's some earth shattering piece of awesome (well slightly...) but it's because for the first time in years and I mean yeeaaars, it won't let me put it down!  I've been working on it every day for about a week, a week and half?  And it's been great!

The progress isn't pages a day, more like a few sentences, but it's the fact that it occupies my thoughts constantly that is so, so sweet!

It also made me realize partly why I don't write as fast as I used to.  I remember when I was a kid, I'd easily whip out a ten page short story in a few days.  In grade 12b* I wrote a 44 page novellette in sometime like maybe a month?  But they were very rough and not very fine tune in the editing.

But that's when I realized that that's why I've been so slow lately!  I can't unlearn what I've learned about editing, and so my editing side nit picks as I write.  Here's how writing a scene goes these days:

"Ooo ooo ooo oo!!  This is exciting, ooo that's gotta hurt!  C'mon get him yes!"
"Ew that sentence is ickily formed, man there's too much dialogue not enough description."
"Oh shush we're trying to write a story!  Let me get it down, ew gross that sentence is off."

Aaand so on.

Or I get too caught up in sublteties.  Silly subtleties that really should not be a focus while I write anyways.  But I get sooo into them that I get distracted from the main plot. OY.

But I've started to be able to shush up the editing side of my brain long enough to actually get a first draft going!

A Mother's Wisdome

So last night while watching the olympics with my mom before supper, I started yearning to be there myself (happens every time I watch them).  But then I also told her how I was starting to miss jumping, partly because a lot of people around me are doing it and loving it, and because I've realized I'm kind of bored with doing the same tests at every show.  I miss the fact that with jumping I didn't know the course before hand.
So my mom was like: Oh so it's kind of like premiere in dancing? (in dancing you have set steps for each dance, but in the lower levels you can pick what steps you do, but in premiere their chosen for you each year).
Me: Yep.   I think it'll get better in 1st level but right now training level is really... boring.  Circle here, canter there... woooo.
Mom: hmm.... I think you need to change your attitude on this.  (translation: suck it up).

Haha... Though I agree.  I do get bored easily doing to same thing over again, buuut I do need to suck it up and do it, so I can do it well.  But I do know it'll be more fun once we get the lateral movements going.

Gotta get into boot camp mode with one more show before Championships!!

Vacay and Olympics

Whew things have been crazy lately, in a good way!  Had a show a couple of weekends ago and my girly was awesome!! :)  Brought me home some lovely 6th place ribbons! :)  Then last weekend I took some much needed and well deserved time off and headed off to North Bay for a family cottage trip!  I had a blast!  But most importantly I slept, a lot.  (Till ten one morning, I was in shock the entire day haha!)  Read by the beach, went swimming, pushed kids off the dock, campfires, and great food, life definitely was at an all time high.

I've barely seen any of the olympics sadly.  The only time I really wish I had both cable and internet, but I've been catching what I can.

One thing though that's irked me for quite a while is that fact that Ian Millar is still on the olympic team.  Oy -.-  But it's also what really impressed me about Phelps retiring after this round of the games.  He's been to 4 if I recall correctly, which I think is a really good number of times to go, but now he's leaving the way open for others to come in and get their shot.

Then there's Ian Millar who's on trip like 8 or something?  And what's he done to show for it?  I'm pretty sure the last medal earned at the olympics was the team silver, so it was no his effort alone, and if I recall correctly I think the last time he did do well was with Big Ben.  (Big Ben was retired when I was four, I'm now 23).

Like seriously, enough's enough.  I'm tired of seeing his name on the team roster, step down and let others have their shot of representing their country.

Long Time no See Spidey!

Just saw The Amazing Spiderman.... Gotta say, it was amazing.  Hahaha...ha... anyways.

I admit when I first heard they were making it I was like: Oh please!  Cause Spiderman 3 pretty much killed my liking of Spidey.  And Spidey up until that movie had been one of my favourite super heroes for as long as I can remember!

But Marvel, oh the wonderful Marvel, my love for that web slinging bug head has been rekindled!! Andrew Garfield did a great job!  He packed so much emotion into his performance and was so spidey!  With the wise cracks and stuff.  I was spellbound the entire time!  And I think Gwen Stacey is a better fit than Mary Jane personally!

Go see it!  You will not be disappointed!!

Our Brains are Pretty Awesome

I was thinking about them at one point this week.

I mean, I have countless songs completely memorized that I can sing.  All the names and faces of people I remember (faces more than names), addresses, phone numbers, passwords, controls for video games, routes to places, my acute ability to recall storylines and movie quotes perfectly, etc, etc, etc.

And that's not counting all the oter info it stores about our own bodies, and sends and recieves so many signals.

Plus it allows us to speak, move, dance, fall down (that one I could do without), sleep, dream, and remember so many things.

So just wanted to give a high five to our awesome squishy pink things stored up in our skulls.

Also read this some really great wisdome in there!

Happy Canada Day everyone!  Since I'll be at a lake with family swimming tomorrow. :P

Here's My Beef with School

It's come up in a lot of conversations lately and I felt like writing a post about it.  I've had some people try to tell me that I do in fact like it but no I really do not.  I also don't like the fact that people seem to think it's the only way to make a living.

But see there are a few things that bug me.

#1  Every body has a different learning style.
I remember my high school used to go on and on about how not everyone learns the same.  I remember thinking: duh.  BUT  they still taught everyone the same way.  Now granted there are resources (ie money) required to properly teach students in their own learning methods, and there are a few alternative schools but they are hard to get into (depending on the type).  What bothers me is the very much here's how we're gonna teach you and you just have to suck it up and deal with it.

I'm very much a hands on learner  which is why usually labs and projects were where I got my grades.  So long as they were interesting.

Another reason why school was so tough for me.  It was boring, I got bored very fast because either:  I wasn't interested in the subject, or I'd already figured it out and wanted to move on.  And a few subjects were genuinely hard for me.

#2 Get a diploma = get successful.

I'm sorry, but seriously?  Here's a thing not many people know about me:  I don't have a high school diploma.

Now, that's because of a really, really crappy technicality (ie a student counselor messing up my timetable, putting me in a class that I'd already taken, which, I learned when I was trying to send my transfers to college, to which I'd already been accepted, that oh by the way you never graduated cause you're missing a credit....  GOOD TIMES... learned that in AUGUST).  Anywho.

I also didn't actually earn my certificate to said college cause I got sick and almost died (maybe not literally but it sure as heck felt it at the time), and after experiencing the uhm.... severe lack of organization the program had, I had no strong inclination to waste more time and money in that place.

That being said.  I've got two really nice stables I'm working at in the field of work I love.  So what was that about needing a diploma/certificate to make it anywhere?

Now don't get me wrong I've nothing against it if it's what you actually enjoy and genuinely need for the carreer you actually really want, or just genuinely want to go to school cause you like it (are you from mars?)  But don't try to tell me that it's what you MUST DO TO SUCCEED.

Cause I also got a news flash for you.

Most people who get their diplomas struggle to find work within their field.

Also, most of the population is struggling with some form of debt (student loans), and are just coasting through those jobs with benefits people keep seeking after and are they actually happy?

Now, you know those super rich people who've started their own companies, changed the way institutions think?  Those outside the box thinkers?  Yeah, some do have education in the fancy smancy school sense, but a lot of them actually probably also are missing some papers.

And why are they successful?

Because they're not afraid to think outside the box, to find the creative solutions to life's problems and will probably gain a lot of wisdom from their lives.

Most importantly, they do what they love and didn't let people's words discourage them.

I remember once someone asked me what I was going to do with my certificate for Equine Management.

And I told him: "Be happy doing what I love."

Which, by the way, I am doing.  Or at least I'm on the right path to what I really want to do.

Oh and again, don't actually have a diploma to speak of :P  (Though the high school thing still ruffles my feathers when I think of it cause come on I earned that thing!  I hated high school and I finished it :P)


And here's the thing too people seriously need to remember.  Just because it's not formal school, doesn't mean someone doesn't have an education.

I'm pretty darn smart, and I lot of what I know specifically regarding horses, came from outside of school.  Heck I've learned a lot more on the job that in that program.  I also research topics of interest, and take a genuine interest in what's going on in the world and how it affects everything in it.

I also think school is bad for people's health.  I mean stress is bad for you and school gives you stress.  Plus with the crazy amount of homework and projects and the hours people put in, it's bad for your health, you get run down.

So get healthy and quit!

Nah I'm kidding, do what you want to do because it's what you want to do.  So long as it will actually provide for your needs, and for the needs of your family (if you have/want one to support).  I don't advocate being a bum for the rest of your life.

:)

The only time I hate owning a gray horse is when I'm trying to get said pretty much completely white horse spotless before a show.  Oy.  Her stains are extra stubborn this year (though it probably didn't help I had to speed bathe before a thunderstorm rolled in).  And it's always nice walking into the stable at 4am and seeing she slept in poo, on both sides and got new stains all over.

Pony I love you but at 4am when I have to do extra scrubbing, it's kind of hard to like you.

So I was kind of(really) embarrassed that my pony still had stains at the show, especially when the other greys looked spotless...  Seriously am I the only one with a horse that every single "trick" I've heard of to get them white doesn't work?  I'll figure it out yet!  I finally managed it by the end of our hunter season.  I had managed it in college, though the day before inspections she always got new stains.  I'm going to try bathing her every day the week before the next show.

She loaded like a pro, even after a year off from trailering, yay!  She was great in the warm up, minus a mini spook at a horse eating bush we'd already walked past twenty times.  A bit looky in the show ring, which made me looky and tense, but our first test went great!  Got a 60%!  (Which for non horsey people is a good thing!  Especially at a first time silver show!)

Unfortunately we got buzzed out of our second test cause she came up sore.  With the trailering, and me warming up probably a bit too long she got tired, the footing was deeper than she's used to.  So hopefully with some pampering she'll bounce right back and we'll figure out how to keep her strong through the next one!

That little snag before a show

Usually happens, probably due to nerves, but when I get ready for a show there's usually something that creeps up that gets me nervous.  I think I'm being even more nit picky this time around because dressage is about precision and consistency.

So our transitions are getting pretty darn great, circles are nice, connection is pretty consistent.... Now my pony loves stretching, loves it!  So I wasn't that concerned with stretching circles at the trot, until friday night.

Let's just say pony thought it would be fun to take the no contact as an opportunity to charge forward.

And when you're really tired from a long day and haven't eaten supper yet, one's patience is pretty much nil.

So I didn't exactly handle the situation in the optimal fashion, so me and the pony had an argument over it.  Several times.  There was some yelling, not pretty.

Once my brain restarted funcioning though, we did end up with some lovely stretchy trot circles and I finished off with letting her go around the whole ring like that.

So this Friday I'm gonna pick up subway on the way home and eat before riding.  My bad pony, my bad!

I'd also really appreciate if the software for viewing ride times would work on my laptop.

Why is it Called Common Sense?

It really isn't all that common.  It's actually quite rare I've discovered.

While I was at the tack store yesterday, they had a huge sale going on.  They also had a neat thing that if you bought three items with a clearance tag (bright orange, really hard to miss) you can get a 4th free, and then every item after that is 25% off.

Simple and easy to follow, yes?

Well apparently not.

While I was standing in line, (I was 3rd) thinking this wouldn't take too long, the people in front of me kept just not getting it.  They had four, regular priced items and were like: we get the 4th free right?

Okay seriously?  I thought.  The funniest was that I was staring at a fluroscent orange sign with big black writing that clearly explains how the sale works.

The next person in line goes, this time it's someone with three sale stickered items.  These are yellow, not orange.  He also asked if he got the 4th free.

Nope, not bright fluroscent orange people.

It made me really, really happy that I don't work in retail.  I'd rather get bitten on the arm than deal with people who just don't get clearly explained and really bright orange with black letters things.  Like my mom said, I'd probably throw things at the customers, which probably wouldn't go over well.

Other than that though I had a lovely week!

I got to sleep in both monday and tuesday morning.  Monday I actually slept in (till 8! woo!)  Tuesday I woke up at 5:30.  But that's okay cause I read till eight then continued my day!

Work was good, just brutally hot.

Then saterday I got to go on a nice trail ride with a great friend and awesome weather!  I was also relieved that my wild child from a few months ago left and my usual, level headed awesome trail riding pony was back!

So, about this stop bullying thing...

See, the past little while people have become louder with their rallying cry of stop bullying.  I've read articles, listened to what they have to say and find myself, uncomfortable with how their going about it.  I can't quite pinpoint why.

But I think part of my issue is that they're still spouting that (quite frankly) nonsense about telling someone, a teacher, a principle, they will help stop it.  Yeah no.

You see, I spent most of my school years being bullied, by strangers, so called friends, yadda yadda, lots of teasing, pestering and mean jibes for reasons I don't even know.   When I was in kindergarden I was being litterally pushed around by a girl.  I went and told the teacher who flat out refused to help (she was a gem).  So, this whole thing of go tell someone, they will stop it.  Don't tell kids that, because when they try it, and the people who are supposed to help do nothing?  It kind of ruins your trust in authority figures.

But you know what did help?  Telling people about what I was going through.  My parents, friends, people you would listen.  It didn't stop the bullying, but it made it bearable.  It wasn't until high school that I finally clued in that if I didn't get riled up, they'd stop.  But I think I only managed that because I had people supporting me.  And it was really satisfying laughing in the face of a bully who kept trying when I'd finally just stopped caring.

To me, bullying is not something that can be stopped.  I think it's always going to be a part of society.  Because the biggest problem with bullying, is that most of the time, the bullies are also being abused in some way.  These kids too need help.  But they're often being hurt where others can't see, where teachers can't step in (not that it helps anyways).  And some kids act out on others because they're angry, scared, depressed.

I think really I'm bothered that they portray the bullies as these mean thugs, as the bad guys.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure some of the people out there are, but I really think they are in the minority.

I also feel strongly that instead of trying to get these kids to go to people who "can stop it" they should encourage them to seek help to deal with it.  Cause let's face it, sometimes life sucks, but if you're brought up in a bubble, how will you ever deal with the real world?  Sometimes your boss will be a bully, who do you tell then to stop it? hm?

Anyhow, just my two cents.

Oh Hey I'm 23!

This week, I've now realized, was kind of a blur.  Probably because there was the 48hours of waiting for my nephew to be born, then there was the excitement of the afterwards, and then suddenly the week was over.

And it kind of just finally clued in that my birthday was tuesday.  Not that no one said happy birthday, plenty of people did that, got a lovely card with awesome chocolate from my boss at work!  I even got a nephew!  But it just finally clued in like: Oh... I'm older!

Then I got distracted again when my brother and sister in law popped over with the little guy (even forgot about church!)  Gosh he's adorable!  I'm gonna have to snag my dad's phone and steal the pictures from it when I get the chance.  Seriously love that kid!

So this week...  Yup became an aunt, on my birthday, pretty darn awesome if you ask me! :)  Work was great, pony was a superstar, except when she rolled after her bath....

Yup, that's my girl, stayed clean for maybe half an hour.

All in all a fantastic week though.  But must say I am greatly looking forward to the next two days.  Two days IN A ROW I can *sleep in!!  And see my nephew again!!

If I'm motivated enough I'm thinking a nice tuesday morning ride would be great!  But my plans are to do whatever I feel like, woohoo!  (And sadly do some groceries I forgot to do cause I forgot stores are closed on holidays.  Pfft whimps! :P)

*And by sleep in I mean wake up at the usual time and stubbornly stay in bed till I feel like getting up.

Auntiedome

So yesterday at work I kept checking my phone.  It went off a lot because of facebook birthday wishes, and everytime I got I text I was like: YA-oh....  Cause I was eagerly anticipating news about the arrival of our newest family member!!

I gotta say, the kid gave me a great b-day present! :)  I'm so excited about being able to share a birthday with him!  His name's Callan, he's got red hair and I already totally adore him.

Normally I don't actually like babies, they freak me out and I feel like I'll break them.  But with that little guy, I happily held him for a good 45min!  Slept most of the time, little cutie!!  Can't wait to see more of him!

Also quite happy I'll be able to spoil him.

When you're old enough Callan, we're so gonna race to wish each other happy birthday.

TGIS

Thank goodness it's Sunday.

I love Sundays, they're my anchor in this constantly spinning world.  I can recharge, do my laundry, and there's church.  Not that I went today because my ward doesn't have it today so we can be with our moms, and since my mom doesn't go to church I stay with her.  (Plus I have many cookies to restart baking)

This week was interesting.  Can't go into details, but there was definitely a lot more action than I'm used to.

Belle's doing really well, we now have more control in the canter (thank goodness), and she feels really really good!

Yesterday me and some friends went to Pinto Valley Ranch to go riding on some professional trail horses.  It was a lot of fun!!  Though I'd forgotten I tend to freak out when I first go on these things ever since I got kicked while on a trial ride.  But once we were out in the forest I relaxed and let my horse do all the work.  I had no choice anyways, she was automatic!  We did a bit of trotting, and then one of the guide came up and separated us from the rest of the group for a canter.

At first I was like: Say what?  I wanted to walk on this thing!  Trotting was enough for me.   But my friends were game and I was not going to be the only one to say no so away we went!  It was fuuuun!!  Quite exhilarating going through a pretty big puddle, through some woods (mainly open spaces).  I also discovered Clydesdales are pretty fun to ride!  I'd definitely recommend that place. :)

My Brain Child!!

So, currently I'm extremely thankful I visit my parents once a week (sometimes twice).  Not only do I get at least one free meal (sometimes three or four), get their company, but I get INTERNET!!!

And with internet I can watch the Legend of Korra.  Fantabulous that show is!!

I have just one issue with it.

THEY STOLE MY BRAINCHILD!  Aman = one of my villains.  (Me keeping name hidden :P)

Seriously, the similarities between them are eerily accurate.  Even the appearance!!  Hood + face mask.  Every episode I watch with Aman in it sends shivvers down my spine, not only cause he's also a fantastic villain, but because he's soooo much like my villain that I literally feel like I'm watching my own brain child at work.  And after the last episode there's no doubt in my mind they somehow cloned him.

But it also freaks me out for an entirely different reason.

See, this whole not being able to write my own stories for months on end leaves me with stress, which also makes the block worse.  But, lately more and more stories I see (either in book, show or movie form) echo ideas and characters I've had in my brain for years (this villain has been in my head for at least 4 or 5 years, perhaps more) and I keep thinking that when I finally get them written people will think I've ripped off the ideas.

It seriously scares me so much!  But it doesn't help me get my stories written and it's so frustrating.  I wouldn't be so scared and frustrated if I was at least making progress.  But there has been none.  Sometimes I feel so incapable of doing anything I have to motivate myself to do.  (ie selling Avon = complete and total fail... as with selling old tack... doing paintings... yeah...)

Like I really, really, really wish I could just connect my computer to my brain.  Because the stories are there, the characters are there.  And they are so alive.  They're itching to come out into the world and I feel like I'm failing them.  (And I do very much consider characters and stories to be living, it's what helps me write).  But their voices have been so quiet for so long because I repressed them thinking I was going nuts.  (Well I had so called friends tell me they thought I was nuts.  Great self esteem boost right there let me tell you).

There are still so many mental demons in my head I have to fight with and I keep ignoring them and backing off instead.  Ugh seriously, I can be so frustrating.  I have such a hard time letting go of things and moving on.

But, this is also partly why I've forgiven Nickelodeon for taking my brain child because for the first time in years he spoke to me.  Clearly and plainly.  I'd been talking to a friend about how I could not for the life of me figure out his motivations, and he just up and said it.  I was like WOAH! Long time no chat buddy.

Anywhooooo.  I saw the Avengers today, it was totally worth getting up early to start work extra early and be in ottawa in time for an 11am showing.  See it now, NOW!  It completely surpassed my expectations, and they were high let me tell you! :)

Awkward Confession Time

Firstly, apologize for the two posts in less than whatever time it will be when I'm done this post.  But when promptings poke, they poke hard.

So this may (and hopefully) come as a shocker to some of you.  But I have terrible, terrible, terrible pms (tmi?  yeah...)  Not bad horrible cramps (had them, they thankfully went away) but mood swings that if you saw me at my worst, you wouldn't recongise me.

This week was extra horrible.  Heck it's been getting consistently worse every month, and this week's craptastic weather did not help.  Not only does weather like that make me tired normally, week before the fantastic week (sarcarsm) I get super exhausted.  So I was extra super exhausted which also meant I had far less mental energy to work with.

I tend to call this mood swing my homocidal rages.  What generally gets the brunt of it are the walls, the air, or this afternoon every piece of paper I could find and tear up.  These moods aren't just a bad mood.  It's like this vicious beast is boiling under the skin and it takes everything I have not to let it burst out.  And sometimes it does, and I just can't freaking control it.  I've tried everything I can think of.  I've tried birth control, makes me depressed.  I've tried midol, also makes me depressed.  I've tried screaming, makes me madder.  I feel like my choices during this oh so lovely time of the month is either being a tyrant or being completely and totally depressed.

Let's just say it's a miserable two ish weeks.  Half a month, every month, drains me every freaking thing I have.  Nothing is fun because I spend most of the time trying not to loose my temper, and if I do I beat myself up for it.

I sent a text to my mom this afternoon along the lines of "sometimes I really hate being a woman."

And I seriously mean it.

The worst part is, and this hit me like a ton of bricks as I was driving to my parents, is that all this lovelyness is part of the reason I am terrified, literally terrified of becoming pregnant.  I'm terrified I'm going to be a monster when those hormones kick in.

People keep telling me it gets worse and then wave it off like it's no big deal.

I already barely have control over myself in the best of times, and people tell me it's going to get worse??  FOR NINE MONTHS?  I don't want to think about it, it makes me panic, then cry, then panic some more.

There are days I lock myself away because I don't trust myself around others.  Sometimes it does help to be around people but most of the time it's exhausting because I have to keep checking myself.  I barely talk when I'm in those moods cause my filter is usually non existent.  The worst is that the moments when I'm in a good mood are so fleeting, it's like all I can be is miserable and I'm so sick of living like that from month to month.

Yep... now to go sleep g'night peoples!

Video Games

Okay, so I've been playing Assassin's Creed 2 like crazy lately.  I've actually owned it since the year it came out (got it for christmas) but the first ten mintues kind of turned me off, and I was a little iffy about playing it.

But after some encouragement I figured I'd try again, if it still made me uncomfortable, that would be that.

Well, it is definitely a FANTASTIC game!  If you haven't played it, start with the first one and keep playing, cause wow!  There are so many reasons I love this game I don't think I can name them all.  The game play, the art, the environments, the interactions with NPCs (non playable characters) and the little details like Ezio throwing his cape over his shoulder whenever he runs or fights INCREDIBLE! :D  Plus the story is even more gripping than the first one was.  And Ezio is now as dear to me as Altair is.  (He almost blew it by loosing that sword near the beginning).

The other day I snagged me some snazzy armour (got the sixth seal) and a beeeaauuuutiful sword (I may be slightly obsessed with anything that has Altair written on it), and I was extremely giddy.  (I mean giggling like a madman and clapping my hands, swinging my legs.  Super excited).  And then that also made me laugh.

But what really made me laugh was how there's aaaalways those arguments swimming around about how violent video games are causing more violence.

I'm sorry, but I really, really reaaally don't buy that at all.

I've been playing "violent" video games since I first started playing video games.  Goldeneye, perfect dark, assassin's creed, final fantasy, halo, diablo 2, starcraft, warcraft, etc, etc, etc.  I've had a ton of fun with them too.  I get excited with a new gun, I get excited learning a new assassination technique.

Why?

Because I know it's a game!!

Ironically my family kind of talked about it after summer.  And my brother said that it really isn't video games that are leading to violence, it's a lack of a proper upbringing and parenting.

See, I've never once considered taking up a weapon and re-enacting anything I've seen in a game because I know it's a game.  I know the difference between fantasy and reality, I know that in real life you don't get the chance to restart.  I also know full well my actions are permanent and effect other people.

I also get bothered by the argument because I love games, I'll defend them because they've helped me gain some fond memories.  I used to always sit and watch my brother play games (who needs a players guide when you see it in action!)  I'd play with friends, heck I've met great friends thanks to playing games!  And a lot of the time they just help me unwind and have fun.

So don't knock video games or blame them for increased aggression.  Blame those who are supposed to be responsible for helping the growing generation learn ethics and morals and the difference between fantasy and reality.

I mean, here I am a very avid gamer (for most of me life) and despite some horrible, horrible mood swings that come once a month, I've never once attacked anyone.  Because my parents were there to help me know what is right and what is wrong.

Sometimes I Just Want to Take Off and Fly

A good friend of mine just started up a blog, you should read it cause she's awesome so I already know her blog will be too! (already is).  And she spoke of a little road trip she'd taken on her own, and I was like:  I should totally take one too!

I've had this itching to just hop in my car and just drive somewhere.  Probably Palmyra, just for a weekend on my lonesome.  Just to do something for me and to relax a little.  Though at first I was thinking of rounding up some friends to go with, cause I've never driven longer than an hour and half completely on my own.

But then I was like:  Nope, it's something I need to do on my own, and just do it.

Don't know when it'll happen, but I know it's definitely something I really want to do!  Go somewhere, maybe meet new people, or just see something beautiful and watch the world go by.

Let it Out and Let it Go

Thursday was a bit of a crappy day for me.  Sort of.  Work went great!  Had a lovely ride, then got a message from my coach saying my pony had trouble putting weight on her back leg for the farrier.

Heart went plummeting.  As I finished up with the horse I'd just finished riding, I kept thinking: 'Oh no, I told you I couldn't handle this again, not again not now.  But help me cause I know I can't do it alone I don't have it in me anymore.'  And so on.

Got home as fast as I could, never noticed how long 30min can seem and was suddenly very grateful I'd already fueled up my car that morning.

Get to my pony, put her on the lunge line and sure enough she was no longer sound.

Me was seriously ticked off.

And I didn't have any hope.  It's eerie that it's just a few weeks away from the date of when she got injured last year, so close to show season that I was like: Are you kidding me?  What do you want from me, what?

I felt like I was watching all that hard work wash down the drain.

I was also really confused.  Because I've been getting this feeling that I'll be showing Belle in that first show on June 9th.  I have to get the entry in by May 26th at the latest.  And here she was looking broken again.

I came really close to wanting to give up on Him and the Church truthfully.

The rest of the day felt like a constant battle between one side and the other.  The part of me that at that point was stubbornly holding on to what I knew to be true and the other side kept countering with: why bother?  Everything I every try to do in accordance to His will turns out in disappointment!  Guys, this, what's the point?

But, I eventually got ready for bed.  I wouldn't necessarily call it a prayer, but I told Him everything I was feeling.  It was pretty and was definitely hostile, but I said everything I was feeling.  Then, I put on a talk from April 2011 General Conference.  The Atonement Covers All pain (I think...)  It was the one were the speaker related an event where he was in line for a promotion, he'd worked hard and was fully qualified, but was turned down because he was Mormon.

He'd also gotten angry with God.  But later repented and went on to realize it was a good thing that had happened.

But I was still to angry to take that step.  I knew I should, but I couldn't.  But I did ask for Him to help me take it, but I wasn't sincere.

Next morning I was definitely still really angry.  I kept up a constant stream of I don't get it, and so on.  But on my drive in to work I was like: Okay, I really need you to soften my heart because it's really hard right now.  I know I should trust you.  Belle is the one I'm showing at that show right?  (got a yes)  Then help me have the faith to make it happen because right now I don't have it and I can't get it.

When my boss walked into the stable and asked how I was I grunted, it's easier and faster than explaining how I felt.  Told her that Belle was hurt again and was worse than she'd ever been.  Then she said it could be a bruise.  (My coach had also told me it could be a fluke thing, but as with the above, I wasn't very hopeful).  And that often when horses bruise themselves it's like they're broken.

It's like a switch was flipped and suddenly I was completely flooded with hope.  But admittedly still wary, still a little afraid to be completely hopeful.

That, I know, was the answer to my prayer.

I'm not happy with how I handled it... but there was something cleansing about the experience.

I have a really bad habit of trying to hold in the bad thoughts and emotions I don't want to have, but when I do that, they slowly chew away and eat at me.  But this time it was instant and forceful, but they all came out.  Even doubts I didn't realize I'd had surfaced, but now I can deal with them instead of hiding them.

Let out any bad emotions, let your doubts out, and let them go.  You'll feel lighter afterward.



Also... When did this blog hit 700 pageviews???  Thanks everyone!! :D

What this time means to me.

It's kind of crazy to think that it was three years ago in April that I first watched General Conference.  I hid in my parents' basement with my laptop, because I was terrified of what my mom might think if she caught me watching a mormon conference!  I felt clandestine, and the irony of that makes me laugh now.

It was a beautiful weekend, and I sat riveted for hour after hour to what the apostles and prophet and other leaders of the Church had to say.  And considering I have ADHD, it truly is amazing that I could pay attention for all that time (2, two hour sessions per day).

I don't remember what all the messages were about, but I do remember that each confirmed to me the truth, that this was in fact the true Church of Christ.  But the talk that struck me the strongest, and still strikes me even now, was the one by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (one of my favourite speakers since), his talk None Were With Him.

He speaks so tenderly, so emotionally, of what the Saviour Jesus Christ went through in the days leading up to, and during this sacred time of year.  He spoke of the people who left Him, the people who mocked and abused Him, spoke of the pain he went through to grant to us, to me the most precious gift any could offer.  A way out, a way to be freed from our sins, our burdens, our weaknesses, to come to Him and embrace true joy and happiness.

At the time, I wasn't yet a member.  I was still gathering up my courage to tell my family that joining the church was what I wanted to do, that I wanted to be baptized.  And, as I realized while watching this, I was still preparing myself to fully accept this truth.

As I sat and listened, I came to an overpowering realization that my life, all that I had done, said and thought, that was every ill, cause Him to suffer.  My mistakes, my fears, my despair, my hopelessness and loneliness he felt as keenly as I felt and experienced them.  The realization that hit me shook me t my core and I started to cry.  I don't think I'd ever cried like that before, or ever will again.  I don't remember saying anything specific, or even thinking it.

But, after a few moments of bitter weeping I felt such great love come over me, with peace and tenderness.  I literally felt like the Saviour Himself was wrapping me up in His arms and holding me close.  Okay I lied earlier, I cried even more after that.

But, once my tears were spent, I felt great joy.

Let me quote from Alma, cause he says it so beautifully:

12 But I was racked with ^aeternal ^btorment, for my soul was ^charrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

 13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was ^atormented with the ^bpains of hell; yea, I saw that I had ^crebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

15 Oh, thought I, that I ^acould be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my ^bdeeds.

 18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahave mercy on me, who am ^bin the ^cgall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains of ^edeath.

 19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

 20 And oh, what ^ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

My resolve was firm from that day on I had no doubts.  It did take me another few months before I was baptized (in July), but I know so deeply that Jesus Christ is our Saviour and Redeemer and He came to suffer and die and live again for us, for me.

His love is pure and true, and it does not matter what you've done, He loves you and cares for you and only wants your happiness.  Anything and everything I have given up to join His church and follow Him has been worth it.  I don't miss anything from my life before.

Please, take time to get to know Him, it's well worth it.

http://mormon.org/