I find it amusing sometimes how God speaks to me. He knows me well, because He knows exactly how to get me to understand Him, and hear Him when He speaks. It also helps remind me that He loves me dearly, because He also knows I love to laugh.
Every so often though I hear a message that I wish I could un hear. The lastest? Repeated lessons until you've learned it.
Quite honestly it makes me think: Are you kidding me?? Did you not see how it happened the last few times? I really don't want to go through it again.
He also tends to shift His angle a little. The last shift drove the nail home, but it also sent me reeling. I won't go into details here, it's a part of me I don't share with the world.
See, for the past year and a half (dear heavens time flies!) I've been struggling with trust. I've also been struggling with my faith. I've also been struggling with the instability that has come with loosing a bit of both those things. I'd had two blissful (mostly) years relying beautifully and wholly upon those two things. Then something happened that left me completely shaken.
For those who don't know, for as long as I can remember (since I was 4) I'd wanted to be a jumper. Not just any jumper, a grand prix, go to the olympics and get gold for Canada jumper. It had been taken me longer than I would've liked, but that was due to lack of proper motivation and dedication and having a long string of terrible coaches.
But, a year and a half ago I thought I was finally making it! I was taking that crucial first step to my goal, actually getting into the jumper ring... Not the hunters, the jumpers! I was so excited, so scared, but so excited. Belle felt great, on good days I felt confident.
Then, during an awesome jump schooling session, Belle with her awesome heart pushed just a little too hard and injured her suspensory ligament. Wouldn't be until months later that I'd learn that she wouldn't be jumping again.
I tried to deny it, I tried to deny what was welling up. And let me tell you, don't deny the demons cause that's when they take hold.
It left me shaken, and it really it left me feeling abandoned.
I couldn't help but be completely furious. I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do. I kept saying. I thought this was what you wanted me to do? Why are you taking it away?
I had prayed, pleaded, and worked for what I thought I was meant to do, and right as it was all supposed to start, it was done. Finished. Didn't even get one show in that jumper ring.
I stopped enjoying it, jumping. It was a constant reminder of what I wasn't going to be able to do with Belle, what she wasn't going to be able to do. She loves jumping, adores it. And goodness she was so fun, so fun to jump. I can't even describe it.
Just one show. I've been thinking that from time to time all this time. Just one show, couldn't we have had just one show? She would've shined, she would've been so great.
But then part of me wonders if it would've been worse to bear if I'd had that one show. Because I'd no longer be wondering how we did, but would've known for sure.
Then I tried to hide it again, the anger and disappointment. I'm fine, really. Dressage is fun, impressive actually. The amount of work that goes into those movements? Wow. Even started day dreaming about grand prix dressage. Canter pirouettes and tempi changes? Drool worthy for sure. Definitely genuine feelings there. And it does feel right, or did at the time.
Now I'm in a swirl of uncertainty.
I know part of the issue is pretty big. My church attendance is sparse, I don't remember the last time I looked at my scriptures, praying is a bit better but not really, and tithing? Ick.
And I know now why it's been such a struggle. I keep thinking: I trusted You. You led me to that path and took it away, why? I find myself struggling to trust Him.
But it's not a fun place to be. I'm unsteady, I'm not grounded and if things go wrong they're harder to bear. I don't deny any truth I've learned I just can't find myself to trust completely like I used to.
He wants me to rely on Him, I know that. But there's a hesitation with Him there that I have with the rest of the world, and I don't like it but don't know how to shake it off. I don't know how to open myself up again.
I'm a trusting person, until that trust gets broken.
It's confusing, I want it to end and I know there's a purpose. I just can't figure it out. I feel trapped in a limbo and I want to progress. But I know I have to trust.
I'm just tired of things getting taken away.
But I have to remember the good I have too. Sure she's not jumping, but man is Belle getting so strong. Though I'm still terrified I'll jinx it. I'm always scared I'll push too hard and she'll break again. Which makes me scared that I'll shatter, cause I don't think I put myself together properly.
I think right now what I'm really tired of is trying to be strong when I feel anything but. I'm tired of being complimented when I don't feel worthy of it. Some parts of my life are going great and others are a complete mess. (Like my house, it's a mess too).
*hugs* Leah . .I'm right there. Seriously. I will never have the stamina nor do I have the connections to do what I REALLY want to do and had to come to grips with it. With a few years of just . . . feeling lost (still do) I know its so SO hard to trust Him. I still don't very well. I feel everything I've always wanted to do was taken from me: mission, marriage, performance, close friends, even my strong health. But He has a plan. And we are here to struggle, to learn and to be tested. But also here to have joy. Its not always fun . . .in fact it full on sucks . .I mean you've heard me rant. Don't lose your faith. If you do . .then you really lose everything. I've wavered a lot this year with a hard ward to love, tired of being stuck, wishing I felt special or even GOOD about myself. There was a time where I really lost faith and hope for a bit and that was when things were the darkest. Not during the trial, but the reaction to the trial. Sometimes, we don't get everything we dream. But the Lord tests those he loves best and I know He loves you a lot. I do too. Don't let it change you. I promise PROMISe I understand completely. I have to constantly remind myself. Constantly. I have full and real love for you and wish all the time I could take all your pain away.
ReplyDelete