Awkward Confession Time

Firstly, apologize for the two posts in less than whatever time it will be when I'm done this post.  But when promptings poke, they poke hard.

So this may (and hopefully) come as a shocker to some of you.  But I have terrible, terrible, terrible pms (tmi?  yeah...)  Not bad horrible cramps (had them, they thankfully went away) but mood swings that if you saw me at my worst, you wouldn't recongise me.

This week was extra horrible.  Heck it's been getting consistently worse every month, and this week's craptastic weather did not help.  Not only does weather like that make me tired normally, week before the fantastic week (sarcarsm) I get super exhausted.  So I was extra super exhausted which also meant I had far less mental energy to work with.

I tend to call this mood swing my homocidal rages.  What generally gets the brunt of it are the walls, the air, or this afternoon every piece of paper I could find and tear up.  These moods aren't just a bad mood.  It's like this vicious beast is boiling under the skin and it takes everything I have not to let it burst out.  And sometimes it does, and I just can't freaking control it.  I've tried everything I can think of.  I've tried birth control, makes me depressed.  I've tried midol, also makes me depressed.  I've tried screaming, makes me madder.  I feel like my choices during this oh so lovely time of the month is either being a tyrant or being completely and totally depressed.

Let's just say it's a miserable two ish weeks.  Half a month, every month, drains me every freaking thing I have.  Nothing is fun because I spend most of the time trying not to loose my temper, and if I do I beat myself up for it.

I sent a text to my mom this afternoon along the lines of "sometimes I really hate being a woman."

And I seriously mean it.

The worst part is, and this hit me like a ton of bricks as I was driving to my parents, is that all this lovelyness is part of the reason I am terrified, literally terrified of becoming pregnant.  I'm terrified I'm going to be a monster when those hormones kick in.

People keep telling me it gets worse and then wave it off like it's no big deal.

I already barely have control over myself in the best of times, and people tell me it's going to get worse??  FOR NINE MONTHS?  I don't want to think about it, it makes me panic, then cry, then panic some more.

There are days I lock myself away because I don't trust myself around others.  Sometimes it does help to be around people but most of the time it's exhausting because I have to keep checking myself.  I barely talk when I'm in those moods cause my filter is usually non existent.  The worst is that the moments when I'm in a good mood are so fleeting, it's like all I can be is miserable and I'm so sick of living like that from month to month.

Yep... now to go sleep g'night peoples!

Video Games

Okay, so I've been playing Assassin's Creed 2 like crazy lately.  I've actually owned it since the year it came out (got it for christmas) but the first ten mintues kind of turned me off, and I was a little iffy about playing it.

But after some encouragement I figured I'd try again, if it still made me uncomfortable, that would be that.

Well, it is definitely a FANTASTIC game!  If you haven't played it, start with the first one and keep playing, cause wow!  There are so many reasons I love this game I don't think I can name them all.  The game play, the art, the environments, the interactions with NPCs (non playable characters) and the little details like Ezio throwing his cape over his shoulder whenever he runs or fights INCREDIBLE! :D  Plus the story is even more gripping than the first one was.  And Ezio is now as dear to me as Altair is.  (He almost blew it by loosing that sword near the beginning).

The other day I snagged me some snazzy armour (got the sixth seal) and a beeeaauuuutiful sword (I may be slightly obsessed with anything that has Altair written on it), and I was extremely giddy.  (I mean giggling like a madman and clapping my hands, swinging my legs.  Super excited).  And then that also made me laugh.

But what really made me laugh was how there's aaaalways those arguments swimming around about how violent video games are causing more violence.

I'm sorry, but I really, really reaaally don't buy that at all.

I've been playing "violent" video games since I first started playing video games.  Goldeneye, perfect dark, assassin's creed, final fantasy, halo, diablo 2, starcraft, warcraft, etc, etc, etc.  I've had a ton of fun with them too.  I get excited with a new gun, I get excited learning a new assassination technique.

Why?

Because I know it's a game!!

Ironically my family kind of talked about it after summer.  And my brother said that it really isn't video games that are leading to violence, it's a lack of a proper upbringing and parenting.

See, I've never once considered taking up a weapon and re-enacting anything I've seen in a game because I know it's a game.  I know the difference between fantasy and reality, I know that in real life you don't get the chance to restart.  I also know full well my actions are permanent and effect other people.

I also get bothered by the argument because I love games, I'll defend them because they've helped me gain some fond memories.  I used to always sit and watch my brother play games (who needs a players guide when you see it in action!)  I'd play with friends, heck I've met great friends thanks to playing games!  And a lot of the time they just help me unwind and have fun.

So don't knock video games or blame them for increased aggression.  Blame those who are supposed to be responsible for helping the growing generation learn ethics and morals and the difference between fantasy and reality.

I mean, here I am a very avid gamer (for most of me life) and despite some horrible, horrible mood swings that come once a month, I've never once attacked anyone.  Because my parents were there to help me know what is right and what is wrong.

Sometimes I Just Want to Take Off and Fly

A good friend of mine just started up a blog, you should read it cause she's awesome so I already know her blog will be too! (already is).  And she spoke of a little road trip she'd taken on her own, and I was like:  I should totally take one too!

I've had this itching to just hop in my car and just drive somewhere.  Probably Palmyra, just for a weekend on my lonesome.  Just to do something for me and to relax a little.  Though at first I was thinking of rounding up some friends to go with, cause I've never driven longer than an hour and half completely on my own.

But then I was like:  Nope, it's something I need to do on my own, and just do it.

Don't know when it'll happen, but I know it's definitely something I really want to do!  Go somewhere, maybe meet new people, or just see something beautiful and watch the world go by.

Let it Out and Let it Go

Thursday was a bit of a crappy day for me.  Sort of.  Work went great!  Had a lovely ride, then got a message from my coach saying my pony had trouble putting weight on her back leg for the farrier.

Heart went plummeting.  As I finished up with the horse I'd just finished riding, I kept thinking: 'Oh no, I told you I couldn't handle this again, not again not now.  But help me cause I know I can't do it alone I don't have it in me anymore.'  And so on.

Got home as fast as I could, never noticed how long 30min can seem and was suddenly very grateful I'd already fueled up my car that morning.

Get to my pony, put her on the lunge line and sure enough she was no longer sound.

Me was seriously ticked off.

And I didn't have any hope.  It's eerie that it's just a few weeks away from the date of when she got injured last year, so close to show season that I was like: Are you kidding me?  What do you want from me, what?

I felt like I was watching all that hard work wash down the drain.

I was also really confused.  Because I've been getting this feeling that I'll be showing Belle in that first show on June 9th.  I have to get the entry in by May 26th at the latest.  And here she was looking broken again.

I came really close to wanting to give up on Him and the Church truthfully.

The rest of the day felt like a constant battle between one side and the other.  The part of me that at that point was stubbornly holding on to what I knew to be true and the other side kept countering with: why bother?  Everything I every try to do in accordance to His will turns out in disappointment!  Guys, this, what's the point?

But, I eventually got ready for bed.  I wouldn't necessarily call it a prayer, but I told Him everything I was feeling.  It was pretty and was definitely hostile, but I said everything I was feeling.  Then, I put on a talk from April 2011 General Conference.  The Atonement Covers All pain (I think...)  It was the one were the speaker related an event where he was in line for a promotion, he'd worked hard and was fully qualified, but was turned down because he was Mormon.

He'd also gotten angry with God.  But later repented and went on to realize it was a good thing that had happened.

But I was still to angry to take that step.  I knew I should, but I couldn't.  But I did ask for Him to help me take it, but I wasn't sincere.

Next morning I was definitely still really angry.  I kept up a constant stream of I don't get it, and so on.  But on my drive in to work I was like: Okay, I really need you to soften my heart because it's really hard right now.  I know I should trust you.  Belle is the one I'm showing at that show right?  (got a yes)  Then help me have the faith to make it happen because right now I don't have it and I can't get it.

When my boss walked into the stable and asked how I was I grunted, it's easier and faster than explaining how I felt.  Told her that Belle was hurt again and was worse than she'd ever been.  Then she said it could be a bruise.  (My coach had also told me it could be a fluke thing, but as with the above, I wasn't very hopeful).  And that often when horses bruise themselves it's like they're broken.

It's like a switch was flipped and suddenly I was completely flooded with hope.  But admittedly still wary, still a little afraid to be completely hopeful.

That, I know, was the answer to my prayer.

I'm not happy with how I handled it... but there was something cleansing about the experience.

I have a really bad habit of trying to hold in the bad thoughts and emotions I don't want to have, but when I do that, they slowly chew away and eat at me.  But this time it was instant and forceful, but they all came out.  Even doubts I didn't realize I'd had surfaced, but now I can deal with them instead of hiding them.

Let out any bad emotions, let your doubts out, and let them go.  You'll feel lighter afterward.



Also... When did this blog hit 700 pageviews???  Thanks everyone!! :D

What this time means to me.

It's kind of crazy to think that it was three years ago in April that I first watched General Conference.  I hid in my parents' basement with my laptop, because I was terrified of what my mom might think if she caught me watching a mormon conference!  I felt clandestine, and the irony of that makes me laugh now.

It was a beautiful weekend, and I sat riveted for hour after hour to what the apostles and prophet and other leaders of the Church had to say.  And considering I have ADHD, it truly is amazing that I could pay attention for all that time (2, two hour sessions per day).

I don't remember what all the messages were about, but I do remember that each confirmed to me the truth, that this was in fact the true Church of Christ.  But the talk that struck me the strongest, and still strikes me even now, was the one by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (one of my favourite speakers since), his talk None Were With Him.

He speaks so tenderly, so emotionally, of what the Saviour Jesus Christ went through in the days leading up to, and during this sacred time of year.  He spoke of the people who left Him, the people who mocked and abused Him, spoke of the pain he went through to grant to us, to me the most precious gift any could offer.  A way out, a way to be freed from our sins, our burdens, our weaknesses, to come to Him and embrace true joy and happiness.

At the time, I wasn't yet a member.  I was still gathering up my courage to tell my family that joining the church was what I wanted to do, that I wanted to be baptized.  And, as I realized while watching this, I was still preparing myself to fully accept this truth.

As I sat and listened, I came to an overpowering realization that my life, all that I had done, said and thought, that was every ill, cause Him to suffer.  My mistakes, my fears, my despair, my hopelessness and loneliness he felt as keenly as I felt and experienced them.  The realization that hit me shook me t my core and I started to cry.  I don't think I'd ever cried like that before, or ever will again.  I don't remember saying anything specific, or even thinking it.

But, after a few moments of bitter weeping I felt such great love come over me, with peace and tenderness.  I literally felt like the Saviour Himself was wrapping me up in His arms and holding me close.  Okay I lied earlier, I cried even more after that.

But, once my tears were spent, I felt great joy.

Let me quote from Alma, cause he says it so beautifully:

12 But I was racked with ^aeternal ^btorment, for my soul was ^charrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

 13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was ^atormented with the ^bpains of hell; yea, I saw that I had ^crebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

15 Oh, thought I, that I ^acould be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my ^bdeeds.

 18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahave mercy on me, who am ^bin the ^cgall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains of ^edeath.

 19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

 20 And oh, what ^ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

My resolve was firm from that day on I had no doubts.  It did take me another few months before I was baptized (in July), but I know so deeply that Jesus Christ is our Saviour and Redeemer and He came to suffer and die and live again for us, for me.

His love is pure and true, and it does not matter what you've done, He loves you and cares for you and only wants your happiness.  Anything and everything I have given up to join His church and follow Him has been worth it.  I don't miss anything from my life before.

Please, take time to get to know Him, it's well worth it.

http://mormon.org/

In the Nick of Time!

So I believe it was last wednesday (the one before this one) that I finally got to ordering my pony's passport.  A week plus a day before the vet was due to come out for shots and vaccinations (they need to sign off on the passport).  I had a feeling that it would make it in time for vet day, so I didn't pay the extra $12 to have it expressed (and by me pay I mean my mom, cause she's awesome).

So, I was little uh... stressed let's say, when Wednesday rolled around I still hadn't received it.  I was kicking myself a bit too because I'd thought I'd been oh so wise in saving $12, when I suddenly realized it's a whole less expensive then paying a call fee to have a vet back out.

Thursday I was kinda still bummed about it, but there was plan B with another vet I could have sign it coming out in the near future.  But I also had this feeling that my passport would arrive that day.  My mom and I had jokingly said I should ask my coach to check my mail for me (which I later found out she had had the same thought, cause she's awesome like that), but I decided to head home and find out for myself.  (Run on sentence, ew, apologies).

Got home, no mail, I was sad.  Last hope dashed!  So I resigned myself to having to wait (though at this point I was thinking the mail gnomes ate it like they probably ate any and all news of my pending credit card).  But, a few cars pulled into the driveway, one was the vet, the other was the mail!

At this point I was getting cautiously excited, but I went out and lo and behold my pony's passport!!  I totally burst out laughing, probably more out of relief than anything.

It was a good reminder that yeah, following those feelings do lead to good things, even if they do need a little faith.

Now to act on that other good feeling about entering my pony in that first show (knock on wood).

Sometimes Inspiration Hits Like an Arrow to the Head

Okay not really, but that sentence popped into my head and I wanted to use it.

General Conference + Spirit = Inspirition and guideance galore.

Sadly I was ill prepared and this conference has not been on the list of most epic.  But that's also because I missed all of yesterday, and hit and miss internet made me miss most of this afternoon's session.  But this morning?  Absolutely fantastic!  Though once I got back to my parents I bawled my eyes out.

What can I say? Sometimes I'm a hormonal woman who gets highly emotional.  90% of the time I'm a major tomboy who's one of the guys (I prefer those times).  But sometimes crying is exactly what's needed.  And it's not exactly the crying that helps (barely breathing and having tears and snot streaming down your face isn't enjoyable) but the opportunity to just feel what needs to be felt is sadly a very rare, but very freeing blessing.

What could've prompted it?  I won't go into all of it.  But I think it's partly me feeling entirely overworked.  Well... not necessarily overworked per say, but over tired.  I've been denying it for a while now, since I work at most 5 hours a day, how could that make one over worked?  But I think it's because the timing of my schedule is a bit awkward... Add to that the hour drive to get to where most of my friends live, means I have a pretty darn non existent social life.  If I didn't live at the stable where people come and go I'd have no social life, which would be a major bummer.

Though now I've hit this awkward limbo where I want to do things with people, but still don't quite follow through, or my schedule just doesn't work out.

Ironically this wasn't even what I was going to originally write about.  But I don't mind when my fingers take over and write for me, they know things.

Anywhoo, I was reading another blog (I'm reading more and more) and it suddenly hit me.  I need to write every day!  That's what I've been missing!

I've been trying to do this for years.  But what struck me this time was that I should write about my experiences every day, even if I can't post them to here.  There's been so many days where I've wished I could update my blog, and then I realized that even if I can't update it that moment, I could at least write about what's on my mind.

I think I sometimes forget that blog writing is still writing.  I've gotten overly obsessed with book mode that it kind of completely ruined my creative writing mojo.  I realized recently too that I'd stopped writing for the reasons that got me to love it so much.  I used to long to write for the characters and the stories.  To see how these visions in my head would translate to paper.  And that's what finally helped me finish a chapter I'd been avoiding working on for months.

But the habit isn't there.  I still avoid it and still don't write like I want to every day.  Which is highly counter productive to trying to get a story written.

Sometimes too, I feel completely inadequate to do what I feel I should be doing.  I feel these stories in my head are so big, I don't know how I could possibly do them enough justice.  Maybe what it all comes down too is that I'm afraid everyone will hate them and so I want to keep them hidden.

But that also fills me with anxiety cause I know they need to be written.

Sometimes I want to rip my emotions out so I can write... but I can't write without emotions so that would be null and void.

Maybe all I really need is to open up to the people around me.