What this time means to me.

It's kind of crazy to think that it was three years ago in April that I first watched General Conference.  I hid in my parents' basement with my laptop, because I was terrified of what my mom might think if she caught me watching a mormon conference!  I felt clandestine, and the irony of that makes me laugh now.

It was a beautiful weekend, and I sat riveted for hour after hour to what the apostles and prophet and other leaders of the Church had to say.  And considering I have ADHD, it truly is amazing that I could pay attention for all that time (2, two hour sessions per day).

I don't remember what all the messages were about, but I do remember that each confirmed to me the truth, that this was in fact the true Church of Christ.  But the talk that struck me the strongest, and still strikes me even now, was the one by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (one of my favourite speakers since), his talk None Were With Him.

He speaks so tenderly, so emotionally, of what the Saviour Jesus Christ went through in the days leading up to, and during this sacred time of year.  He spoke of the people who left Him, the people who mocked and abused Him, spoke of the pain he went through to grant to us, to me the most precious gift any could offer.  A way out, a way to be freed from our sins, our burdens, our weaknesses, to come to Him and embrace true joy and happiness.

At the time, I wasn't yet a member.  I was still gathering up my courage to tell my family that joining the church was what I wanted to do, that I wanted to be baptized.  And, as I realized while watching this, I was still preparing myself to fully accept this truth.

As I sat and listened, I came to an overpowering realization that my life, all that I had done, said and thought, that was every ill, cause Him to suffer.  My mistakes, my fears, my despair, my hopelessness and loneliness he felt as keenly as I felt and experienced them.  The realization that hit me shook me t my core and I started to cry.  I don't think I'd ever cried like that before, or ever will again.  I don't remember saying anything specific, or even thinking it.

But, after a few moments of bitter weeping I felt such great love come over me, with peace and tenderness.  I literally felt like the Saviour Himself was wrapping me up in His arms and holding me close.  Okay I lied earlier, I cried even more after that.

But, once my tears were spent, I felt great joy.

Let me quote from Alma, cause he says it so beautifully:

12 But I was racked with ^aeternal ^btorment, for my soul was ^charrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

 13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was ^atormented with the ^bpains of hell; yea, I saw that I had ^crebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

15 Oh, thought I, that I ^acould be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my ^bdeeds.

 18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, ^ahave mercy on me, who am ^bin the ^cgall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting ^dchains of ^edeath.

 19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my ^apains ^bno more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

 20 And oh, what ^ajoy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

My resolve was firm from that day on I had no doubts.  It did take me another few months before I was baptized (in July), but I know so deeply that Jesus Christ is our Saviour and Redeemer and He came to suffer and die and live again for us, for me.

His love is pure and true, and it does not matter what you've done, He loves you and cares for you and only wants your happiness.  Anything and everything I have given up to join His church and follow Him has been worth it.  I don't miss anything from my life before.

Please, take time to get to know Him, it's well worth it.

http://mormon.org/

Sometimes Inspiration Hits Like an Arrow to the Head

Okay not really, but that sentence popped into my head and I wanted to use it.

General Conference + Spirit = Inspirition and guideance galore.

Sadly I was ill prepared and this conference has not been on the list of most epic.  But that's also because I missed all of yesterday, and hit and miss internet made me miss most of this afternoon's session.  But this morning?  Absolutely fantastic!  Though once I got back to my parents I bawled my eyes out.

What can I say? Sometimes I'm a hormonal woman who gets highly emotional.  90% of the time I'm a major tomboy who's one of the guys (I prefer those times).  But sometimes crying is exactly what's needed.  And it's not exactly the crying that helps (barely breathing and having tears and snot streaming down your face isn't enjoyable) but the opportunity to just feel what needs to be felt is sadly a very rare, but very freeing blessing.

What could've prompted it?  I won't go into all of it.  But I think it's partly me feeling entirely overworked.  Well... not necessarily overworked per say, but over tired.  I've been denying it for a while now, since I work at most 5 hours a day, how could that make one over worked?  But I think it's because the timing of my schedule is a bit awkward... Add to that the hour drive to get to where most of my friends live, means I have a pretty darn non existent social life.  If I didn't live at the stable where people come and go I'd have no social life, which would be a major bummer.

Though now I've hit this awkward limbo where I want to do things with people, but still don't quite follow through, or my schedule just doesn't work out.

Ironically this wasn't even what I was going to originally write about.  But I don't mind when my fingers take over and write for me, they know things.

Anywhoo, I was reading another blog (I'm reading more and more) and it suddenly hit me.  I need to write every day!  That's what I've been missing!

I've been trying to do this for years.  But what struck me this time was that I should write about my experiences every day, even if I can't post them to here.  There's been so many days where I've wished I could update my blog, and then I realized that even if I can't update it that moment, I could at least write about what's on my mind.

I think I sometimes forget that blog writing is still writing.  I've gotten overly obsessed with book mode that it kind of completely ruined my creative writing mojo.  I realized recently too that I'd stopped writing for the reasons that got me to love it so much.  I used to long to write for the characters and the stories.  To see how these visions in my head would translate to paper.  And that's what finally helped me finish a chapter I'd been avoiding working on for months.

But the habit isn't there.  I still avoid it and still don't write like I want to every day.  Which is highly counter productive to trying to get a story written.

Sometimes too, I feel completely inadequate to do what I feel I should be doing.  I feel these stories in my head are so big, I don't know how I could possibly do them enough justice.  Maybe what it all comes down too is that I'm afraid everyone will hate them and so I want to keep them hidden.

But that also fills me with anxiety cause I know they need to be written.

Sometimes I want to rip my emotions out so I can write... but I can't write without emotions so that would be null and void.

Maybe all I really need is to open up to the people around me.

Tolerence of Opinions

Before I start I have to say I have the awesomest mom in the world.  She's more than willing to help me out, listen to me, buy me things I may need and help make my life a little mre awesome.

But, being different people, smetimes our opinions don't match up.  And sometimes it can get a little...  not even sure what word to use... tense, let's go with that!

Anywhoo, last weekend during family dinner we got on the topic of transsexuals.... yes during supper.  I don't like these topics because I feel (well know) that eventually they'll ask or I'll share my views and it'll open up a can of worms.  My mother can be very spirited and sometimes it's really tiring.

So, at one point she made the comment that the world was changing, (after we'd been discussing I forget exactly what, but obviously something about sex changes) and I kind of muttered that it was not necessarily for the better.

Now, lately I've been a bit less observant of what people are meaning when they say things and I kind of meant my comment as the whole world in general, but she thought I meant just about being able to change genders (not that I would've said much different).

But, I did feel like I was then being a bit... confronted on my views.  Like how dare I not feel comfortable with a woman who used to be a man.  It wierds me out!  I feel like people are born a certain gender for a reason and should stick with it.

I think my mom feels, and perhaps worries that I'd be intolerant of those people and that it's my religion causing me to feel this way.

I'd never discriminate against someone who had one of these procedures, but I'd definitely be a bit weirded out by it.  And, I've always felt that way, even before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints.

But it got me thinking to how the world seems to be lately.  If you have any kind of "traditional" views, or are slightly squeemish around transsexuals or homosexuals, you're automatically branded as a hater and intolerant person.

That kind of thinking really ticks me off.  Especially when I don't get a chance to properly explain why I feel the way I do.  It wouldn't be some deeply religious sermon, absolutely not.  But it is very much my belief that we are born what we are for a reason, we have certain roles to play.  I also very much believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

That does not mean that I hate anyone who is homosexual or brand them as evil or think they're going to burn in the place downstairs!! Freaking heck!!  (Same goes for people who do change their gender).

BUT  I refuse to be okay with it, just because the world thinks I should be.  That's not tolerance, that's just being afraid to stand up for yourself and what you believe.

And yet, so many people are willing to oppose and even hate people who do feel this way?  But THAT'S okay??

And I'm not saying arguments shouldn't happen either.  But be respectful and give people a chance to clearly and calmly explain yourselves.  No one should feel the need to throw up their hands in the air in a passifying gesture and yell just to be heard.

I love my mother I do.  But I do get frustrated because I often feel like because I'm the youngest I don't get taken entirely seriously on matters as these.  Almost a what do I know about the world I've barely experienced it?  Yet experienced it I have.  I've seen plenty of things and met many different kind of people.  And the only people that I harbour bad feelings for are ones who have personally hurt me or someone I love.  OR whom I've not given a proper chance to get to know them.

They could be bright purple with yellow polka dots and have three heads and I'd love them.  So long as they are kind people.

So all I ask is that you give me a little slack as well.  Give everyone some freaking slack so that we can all have some measure of peace yes?

Day of Awesome

I've mentioned it before and I'll say it again.  I love the Temple.  It's a special place with a special spirit that you just can't find anywhere else.  Puts me at peace, and every bad thought leaves my head so that I can clearly, and carefully think and pray about things I need answers too.  And answers came.

There's change coming in my life, and I'm quite looking forward to it.  A bit of apprehension, but it's coming at the right time.  Just have to go figure out how to implement it.  But I'll trust in Him, He knows what to do.

After the Temple we went to an all you can eat buffet.  I ate three plates of yummy food and laughed a lot.  Great times!

Then we went to the Biodome, haven't been there in years!!  I was so excited!  (Lots of bouncing and clapping of hands and grinning... may have been some squealing).  It was my first time going in the winter and I never realized how hot the tropical zone is.  The animals were kind of sleepy, but still a lot of fun to go and see them.  They had otters!!!!  Last time I went they didn't have any!  So, so, SO cute!  I spent the most time with the Penguins (obviously).  Cheeky things all had their backs to us (one was proudly showing it's bum).  I love the ones with the eyebrows, they look like they have so much attitude.  Like: Hey watchu lookin' at?  Priceless.

Then I accidentally left the area early to go to the gift shop.  For some reason I didn't think the exit would be guarded.  OOPS!  So me and my new friend Larry the Otter hung out on a bench and got a lot of strange looks from people.

But seriously, could you resist this face?

Grace Under Pressure

This week was an interesting week.  A lot happened and I'm so thankful it's finally Sunday.  Church is an awesome place to unwind and review how things went, where I could improve, and what things I can pat myself on the back for.

I feel like I've grown a ton, especially within the past few days.  I feel stronger, calmer, and more capable of handling myself.  I feel more like a woman and that feels pretty darn awesome.  Friends helped with that one.

I've also had the opportunity to think over some things.  Like where I am, where I'm going, and what should I be doing right now.  Some promptings are not easy to follow, but I'll do my best to do what He would have me do.  Because if there's anything I've learned more strongly over the past few months is that God does know best.  He loves me and cares for me and will never leave me hanging.  So long as I do what I can to keep myself near to Him.

Belle is doing awesome.  She's been eating her medicine (slathered in very sticky molases), and we've been enjoying our 20min walking sessions.  So long as mommy does it when it's warm.  But I laughed as she power walked the whole time.   My little goofball.

I had an excellent time at a dressage clinic yesterday.  Dash was such a good girl for me.  I also learned a lot about my position and how to improve it.  Totally awesome, especially because it did improve (major yay).

I'm so looking forward to going to the Temple next week.  It's been a long overdue trip.  I need it especially now, to take time to reflect and ponder and learn.  I know I'll receive His guidance.

Life is good, life is very good, especially when it's hard.  Because that's when we grow, we progress, and when we learn the most about ourselves.  Sometimes what we learn isn't pretty.  Sometimes it's downright ugly.  But what matters is that we accept it, move on and do our best to improve those parts and make them strong.

Jesus Christ lives, He is the Son of our Eternal Father.  And this I know with every fiber of my being.

Much love,
Leah