I've been noticing something more and more lately. I say what's on my mind a lot more frequently than I used too... Little comments here and there... and I've got to say it's quite liberating.
I think I've reached that: ah whatever! level. Cause I realized not saying exactly what's on your mind causes more problems and headaches than it solved.
Though I've also noticed sometimes I have to repeat something ten times before it clicks. And even then sometimes people still hear what they want to hear.
But that's okay, those people can continue to live in their own little world, cause I've also learned sometimes it really is not worth the trouble of trying to get people to understand. Cause sometimes they just don't.
Yesterday some friends came over and brought along even more friends (yay!) And we got to hang out for a few hours. And someone at one point wondered aloud what it would be like if everyone spoke the truth. Part of me died of embarrassement, thinking of all the guys I would've outright blurted I either had a crush on, or thought they were hot, or said that I thought they were super creepy and that I felt like running and screaming.
But then the other side of me felt that that would be a truly liberating feeling. Imagine saying exactly what's on your mind all the time?
I also feel like we'd be on WW43 if that was the case, but minor details, right?
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Make the Choice
So I'd been feeling moody and emo for quie a long while... And recently it got to a point where I was really pondering through my feelings and I realized I was tried with being angry, I was tired with making myself miserable. I missed the positive me that used to see the sun on a cloudy day.
One day I read this. And I realized I had to answer to myself one question.
Who was I really mad at?
And I realized quite quickly it was myself. I was mad at myself for not acting faithfully, for not meeting the trial of my faith head on and growing stronger from it, for not taking the opportunity to come closer to Christ through my suffering. And then just like that, it all left.
I can see life clearly again.
Cause I also realized that yeah, I screwed up then, but I can do right now. Repentance and the Atonement are awesome like that.
It also reminded me of how important choice is in our lives. We have the power to choose anything. Including faith and happiness. It doesn't matter what has happened, what you're going through or if the entire world is falling into chaos. You can still thrive and be happy, especially through trials and adversity.
You and I have the power to choose how we will react to our lives. And the power to choose whether or not to be happy.
It all starts with choice. Then taking the steps necessary to ensure that that choice will become a reality. And then you have to do everything you can to maintain it. You can't sit around and expect what you want to be handed to you.
For me, I needed to look at myself and clearly see what it was I was really feeling and how it was affecting me. Then I prayed, repented, and got back on the wagon of prayer in scripture study. I'm most definitely not back to where I was, but I also realized something extremely important.
What was is in the past and will not be again. That does not mean that what's to come can never be as good. If anything it grants the possibility that the future will be more amazing that we can ever imagine it to be.
If you do all in your power to do what's right, good things will come. Sometimes they won't be what you hope for, but it's always exactly what you need. And sometimes the results of your faith and diligence will completely blow you away.
Last weekend were the Eastern Division Silver Dressage Championships. I spent the night before nursing a bruised foot,
reading the scriptures and watching Facing the Giants.
The morning of was crisp with a clear blue sky and bright sunlight. I rode the best I've ridden all season, Belle was focused and absolutely fantastic! For the first time all season I felt great after riding both my tests! I didn't care how we placed, cause I felt we did the best we could. (Now I was aiming for Champion, but that's the whole point of competing yes? :)
Right before going in for my second test, my coach tells me we placed 2nd in our first test. I was like: Holy crap! Belle we could win this!!! So I went in for it with my game face and was like: Oh yeah, bring it on. Our test went really well. As we walked back to the trailer I was beaming and repeatedly saying: Thank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank you (etc)! We placed 3rd!
We won Reserve Champion for our division (Adult Amateur)!! Seriously in awe and completely overjoyed!!! Profoundly grateful and so happy for that!!
I was not expecting that on tuesday I'd recieve news that we won Reserve High Point of the entire show!! Which means we had the second highest test score!! Oh my gosh I'm still pinching myself!!
I'm so so so so so grateful and I know that as long as we put our trust in Him he'll bless us beyond our wildest dreams. But we also have to put in the effort.
Watch.
One day I read this. And I realized I had to answer to myself one question.
Who was I really mad at?
And I realized quite quickly it was myself. I was mad at myself for not acting faithfully, for not meeting the trial of my faith head on and growing stronger from it, for not taking the opportunity to come closer to Christ through my suffering. And then just like that, it all left.
I can see life clearly again.
Cause I also realized that yeah, I screwed up then, but I can do right now. Repentance and the Atonement are awesome like that.
It also reminded me of how important choice is in our lives. We have the power to choose anything. Including faith and happiness. It doesn't matter what has happened, what you're going through or if the entire world is falling into chaos. You can still thrive and be happy, especially through trials and adversity.
You and I have the power to choose how we will react to our lives. And the power to choose whether or not to be happy.
It all starts with choice. Then taking the steps necessary to ensure that that choice will become a reality. And then you have to do everything you can to maintain it. You can't sit around and expect what you want to be handed to you.
For me, I needed to look at myself and clearly see what it was I was really feeling and how it was affecting me. Then I prayed, repented, and got back on the wagon of prayer in scripture study. I'm most definitely not back to where I was, but I also realized something extremely important.
What was is in the past and will not be again. That does not mean that what's to come can never be as good. If anything it grants the possibility that the future will be more amazing that we can ever imagine it to be.
If you do all in your power to do what's right, good things will come. Sometimes they won't be what you hope for, but it's always exactly what you need. And sometimes the results of your faith and diligence will completely blow you away.
Last weekend were the Eastern Division Silver Dressage Championships. I spent the night before nursing a bruised foot,
 |
| Courtesy of Belle. |
reading the scriptures and watching Facing the Giants.
The morning of was crisp with a clear blue sky and bright sunlight. I rode the best I've ridden all season, Belle was focused and absolutely fantastic! For the first time all season I felt great after riding both my tests! I didn't care how we placed, cause I felt we did the best we could. (Now I was aiming for Champion, but that's the whole point of competing yes? :)
Right before going in for my second test, my coach tells me we placed 2nd in our first test. I was like: Holy crap! Belle we could win this!!! So I went in for it with my game face and was like: Oh yeah, bring it on. Our test went really well. As we walked back to the trailer I was beaming and repeatedly saying: Thank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank youThank you (etc)! We placed 3rd!
We won Reserve Champion for our division (Adult Amateur)!! Seriously in awe and completely overjoyed!!! Profoundly grateful and so happy for that!!
I was not expecting that on tuesday I'd recieve news that we won Reserve High Point of the entire show!! Which means we had the second highest test score!! Oh my gosh I'm still pinching myself!!
I'm so so so so so grateful and I know that as long as we put our trust in Him he'll bless us beyond our wildest dreams. But we also have to put in the effort.
 |
| So proud of my awesome girl!! |
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Here's the Shout that's Been Wanting Out.
I find it amusing sometimes how God speaks to me. He knows me well, because He knows exactly how to get me to understand Him, and hear Him when He speaks. It also helps remind me that He loves me dearly, because He also knows I love to laugh.
Every so often though I hear a message that I wish I could un hear. The lastest? Repeated lessons until you've learned it.
Quite honestly it makes me think: Are you kidding me?? Did you not see how it happened the last few times? I really don't want to go through it again.
He also tends to shift His angle a little. The last shift drove the nail home, but it also sent me reeling. I won't go into details here, it's a part of me I don't share with the world.
See, for the past year and a half (dear heavens time flies!) I've been struggling with trust. I've also been struggling with my faith. I've also been struggling with the instability that has come with loosing a bit of both those things. I'd had two blissful (mostly) years relying beautifully and wholly upon those two things. Then something happened that left me completely shaken.
For those who don't know, for as long as I can remember (since I was 4) I'd wanted to be a jumper. Not just any jumper, a grand prix, go to the olympics and get gold for Canada jumper. It had been taken me longer than I would've liked, but that was due to lack of proper motivation and dedication and having a long string of terrible coaches.
But, a year and a half ago I thought I was finally making it! I was taking that crucial first step to my goal, actually getting into the jumper ring... Not the hunters, the jumpers! I was so excited, so scared, but so excited. Belle felt great, on good days I felt confident.
Then, during an awesome jump schooling session, Belle with her awesome heart pushed just a little too hard and injured her suspensory ligament. Wouldn't be until months later that I'd learn that she wouldn't be jumping again.
I tried to deny it, I tried to deny what was welling up. And let me tell you, don't deny the demons cause that's when they take hold.
It left me shaken, and it really it left me feeling abandoned.
I couldn't help but be completely furious. I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do. I kept saying. I thought this was what you wanted me to do? Why are you taking it away?
I had prayed, pleaded, and worked for what I thought I was meant to do, and right as it was all supposed to start, it was done. Finished. Didn't even get one show in that jumper ring.
I stopped enjoying it, jumping. It was a constant reminder of what I wasn't going to be able to do with Belle, what she wasn't going to be able to do. She loves jumping, adores it. And goodness she was so fun, so fun to jump. I can't even describe it.
Just one show. I've been thinking that from time to time all this time. Just one show, couldn't we have had just one show? She would've shined, she would've been so great.
But then part of me wonders if it would've been worse to bear if I'd had that one show. Because I'd no longer be wondering how we did, but would've known for sure.
Then I tried to hide it again, the anger and disappointment. I'm fine, really. Dressage is fun, impressive actually. The amount of work that goes into those movements? Wow. Even started day dreaming about grand prix dressage. Canter pirouettes and tempi changes? Drool worthy for sure. Definitely genuine feelings there. And it does feel right, or did at the time.
Now I'm in a swirl of uncertainty.
I know part of the issue is pretty big. My church attendance is sparse, I don't remember the last time I looked at my scriptures, praying is a bit better but not really, and tithing? Ick.
And I know now why it's been such a struggle. I keep thinking: I trusted You. You led me to that path and took it away, why? I find myself struggling to trust Him.
But it's not a fun place to be. I'm unsteady, I'm not grounded and if things go wrong they're harder to bear. I don't deny any truth I've learned I just can't find myself to trust completely like I used to.
He wants me to rely on Him, I know that. But there's a hesitation with Him there that I have with the rest of the world, and I don't like it but don't know how to shake it off. I don't know how to open myself up again.
I'm a trusting person, until that trust gets broken.
It's confusing, I want it to end and I know there's a purpose. I just can't figure it out. I feel trapped in a limbo and I want to progress. But I know I have to trust.
I'm just tired of things getting taken away.
But I have to remember the good I have too. Sure she's not jumping, but man is Belle getting so strong. Though I'm still terrified I'll jinx it. I'm always scared I'll push too hard and she'll break again. Which makes me scared that I'll shatter, cause I don't think I put myself together properly.
I think right now what I'm really tired of is trying to be strong when I feel anything but. I'm tired of being complimented when I don't feel worthy of it. Some parts of my life are going great and others are a complete mess. (Like my house, it's a mess too).
Every so often though I hear a message that I wish I could un hear. The lastest? Repeated lessons until you've learned it.
Quite honestly it makes me think: Are you kidding me?? Did you not see how it happened the last few times? I really don't want to go through it again.
He also tends to shift His angle a little. The last shift drove the nail home, but it also sent me reeling. I won't go into details here, it's a part of me I don't share with the world.
See, for the past year and a half (dear heavens time flies!) I've been struggling with trust. I've also been struggling with my faith. I've also been struggling with the instability that has come with loosing a bit of both those things. I'd had two blissful (mostly) years relying beautifully and wholly upon those two things. Then something happened that left me completely shaken.
For those who don't know, for as long as I can remember (since I was 4) I'd wanted to be a jumper. Not just any jumper, a grand prix, go to the olympics and get gold for Canada jumper. It had been taken me longer than I would've liked, but that was due to lack of proper motivation and dedication and having a long string of terrible coaches.
But, a year and a half ago I thought I was finally making it! I was taking that crucial first step to my goal, actually getting into the jumper ring... Not the hunters, the jumpers! I was so excited, so scared, but so excited. Belle felt great, on good days I felt confident.
Then, during an awesome jump schooling session, Belle with her awesome heart pushed just a little too hard and injured her suspensory ligament. Wouldn't be until months later that I'd learn that she wouldn't be jumping again.
I tried to deny it, I tried to deny what was welling up. And let me tell you, don't deny the demons cause that's when they take hold.
It left me shaken, and it really it left me feeling abandoned.
I couldn't help but be completely furious. I thought I was doing what you wanted me to do. I kept saying. I thought this was what you wanted me to do? Why are you taking it away?
I had prayed, pleaded, and worked for what I thought I was meant to do, and right as it was all supposed to start, it was done. Finished. Didn't even get one show in that jumper ring.
I stopped enjoying it, jumping. It was a constant reminder of what I wasn't going to be able to do with Belle, what she wasn't going to be able to do. She loves jumping, adores it. And goodness she was so fun, so fun to jump. I can't even describe it.
Just one show. I've been thinking that from time to time all this time. Just one show, couldn't we have had just one show? She would've shined, she would've been so great.
But then part of me wonders if it would've been worse to bear if I'd had that one show. Because I'd no longer be wondering how we did, but would've known for sure.
Then I tried to hide it again, the anger and disappointment. I'm fine, really. Dressage is fun, impressive actually. The amount of work that goes into those movements? Wow. Even started day dreaming about grand prix dressage. Canter pirouettes and tempi changes? Drool worthy for sure. Definitely genuine feelings there. And it does feel right, or did at the time.
Now I'm in a swirl of uncertainty.
I know part of the issue is pretty big. My church attendance is sparse, I don't remember the last time I looked at my scriptures, praying is a bit better but not really, and tithing? Ick.
And I know now why it's been such a struggle. I keep thinking: I trusted You. You led me to that path and took it away, why? I find myself struggling to trust Him.
But it's not a fun place to be. I'm unsteady, I'm not grounded and if things go wrong they're harder to bear. I don't deny any truth I've learned I just can't find myself to trust completely like I used to.
He wants me to rely on Him, I know that. But there's a hesitation with Him there that I have with the rest of the world, and I don't like it but don't know how to shake it off. I don't know how to open myself up again.
I'm a trusting person, until that trust gets broken.
It's confusing, I want it to end and I know there's a purpose. I just can't figure it out. I feel trapped in a limbo and I want to progress. But I know I have to trust.
I'm just tired of things getting taken away.
But I have to remember the good I have too. Sure she's not jumping, but man is Belle getting so strong. Though I'm still terrified I'll jinx it. I'm always scared I'll push too hard and she'll break again. Which makes me scared that I'll shatter, cause I don't think I put myself together properly.
I think right now what I'm really tired of is trying to be strong when I feel anything but. I'm tired of being complimented when I don't feel worthy of it. Some parts of my life are going great and others are a complete mess. (Like my house, it's a mess too).
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