Moving Out!

A New Blog

Come on over, if you wish. :)

Observations and Thoughts

I've spent a lot of time on postmormon.org since leaving the church. It's brought me a lot of solace and deeper confidence in my choice to leave.

But I've noticed something that's a recurring theme. The church has brought pain to a lot of people. I had it easy. I was the only convert in my immediate family, I didn't care what people would think because if they cared or disapproved, or tried to re convert me, I could sever ties and be done.

It hurt in some cases. For sure. But one thing that I still have is five years of memories of being mormon. And more than that I still fully understand the thought process behind decisions and words. Which is why I didn't talk to many people about my leaving. I know what was going to be said. Different versions of the same thing over and over again.

But I digress. While you're in the bubble, it's shocking to hear that anyone would want to destroy something as good and pure as the church. If only they knew, if only they understood.

Ironic that I find myself thinking the same way, looking from the out in. If only, if only.

Pain, is something that is shared by many ex mormons. Betrayal, exclusion, depression, fear, anger (a lot of anger) and so many other emotions. People trapped by wanting to make their families happy, even though they know the truth. Families torn apart because one or more members resign.

No wonder I've become vehemently opposed to religion. It preaches unconditional live and yet the opposite is true. If there is a god, I can't see them caring about the petty things like sexuality and dress codes. Heck, I can't even see them caring about our behaviour.

We have such a huge capacity for reason, thinking and imagining that anything is possible. W are creative beings, but our morality is in our hands. That's why things change. That's why there are movements and demands for equality. We learn as we go, and what worked then won't work now. Too many things have changed for that and we'd be fools not to see it.

I'm totally rambling, my thoughts get away from me when I'm moody.

Summer Playlist

These songs I think fit my life very well.  Either because of the lyrics, or because of the emotions I feel while listening to them.


Brave, Sara Bareilles

Catch My Breath, Kelly Clarkson

 

Love Song, Sara Bareilles

King of Anything, Sara Bareilles

Raise Your Glass, Pink

 

People Like Us, Kelly Clarkson

Tattoo, Jordin Sparks

Perfect, Pink

Part of Me, Katy Perry

Roar, Katy Perry

See You Again, Carry Underwood

Who Knew, Pink

Elysium

This is another one of those if you haven't seen it yet, don't look, cause I'm gonna blab and blab and blab.

So, it was really, really well done and I really enjoyed it.  Awesome acting, great visual effects and I really enjoyed the filming.  (I apologize for saying really so often).

Do you know what my favourite part was though?  The fact that Max, who's dying, actually struggles with it for the whole movie.  And this is why it made me so... I think happy is the wrong term for this situation, so let's use relieved.

There are times when you're reading a book, watching a show (I find it happens more in anime), where suddenly during a scene a character suffers some form of bodily harm or illness or fill in the blank.  The author/director carries it on for a couple of scenes, and then suddenly, despite being on the verge of collapsing, the character can keep going for the rest of the episode.  Sometimes two.... Sometimes even longer.  And every time that happens I go: Oh frig really?!  What happened to: oh man I'm gonna pass out soon!

If you're character's wounded and about to pass out and you describe them having blurred vision.  Frig have them pass out ten seconds after that.  Otherwise it's just a cheap trick for suspense that actually kills the realism in a story.  Which for me, kills the mood that was trying to be put into place in the first place.  Urgency.

I was worried going into Elysium that it would be another one of these cases.  If you've seen the trailers, you know that he's sick and needs to get to Elysium so he can get better.  And they show lots of fight scenes and action and yadda yadda, so I was very concerned he'd get sick, but be able to walk around doing whatever.

But no!  No! Not only does he not magically regain amazing stamina, he never fully regains his full strength.  First he's given medication that'll will keep him functioning till he dies, then he's outfitted with the exoskeleton cause he can barely stand, let alone walk and forget fighting in that condition.

And not only that!  Not only that!  He still, still needs help because his body is shutting down and at very inconvenient times.  Like when being chased by one very scary psychopath who's very determined to kill him.  Apparently he took offense to getting his face blown off.

So, as odd as it may seem, it seriously fills me with glee when a story incorperates something like this, and employs it perfectly.  If a character is dying, make me scared that he'll die before he succeeds.  Keep reminding me that he's dying.  Worsen their condition.  Keep me at the edge of my seat wondering how it'll all turn out.

So, I highly, highly recommend seeing this movie.  It was awesome!  Well written, great actors, vfx very well done and just all around, a great movie!

Plus Matt Damon without a shirt.  Just saying.

That Figures

I realized something this week.

I've been working on a story about Hades and Persephone. Uberly excited about it!! And it's been writing very well, I don't remember the last time I wrote this effortlessly.

Then I realized that it was the same with fan fiction. I can easily pump out a story based on a game or book but I realized its because it's comforting using characters and ideas people are already familiar with. However with my own characters and stories I have to introduce everything. Whereas with fan fiction you can kind of cheat a little.

So I'm hoping to use this Greek mythology based story to use the comfort of familiarity to practice developing story and character. (I had a better sentence in my head and half of it vanished before I wrote it, blast!)

One of these days it will again be easy for me to write my original stories!!!

But in the meantime I'm having a lot of fun with the god of the underworld!

Overpopulation

A couple of months ago now I read Dan Brown's Inferno. I highly recommend it. It's thrilling, exciting and even better makes you think. About a rather terrifying subject.

Without giving too much away, one of the characters in the story is extremely concerned with overpopulation and the effects it has on the planet. We are past the earth's sustainability. We are running out of resources.

The character then says something rather controversial and says the black plague was in fact a very good thing. Population numbers were booming and the sickness culled the numbers. The scariest part of that exchange was when I found myself agreeing with the character.

My mother and I were talking about it this evening and at risk of causing I minor explosion of admitted that as much as I am grateful for medicine, it's too good. People live longer and less sickness kills us. It sounds absolutely vile to say but we're loosing humanity's only predator: disease.

It's like in an ecosystem, when the pray has a larger population than the predators, the system suffers and the herbivores devour their resources. The opposite is also not good, but nature requires balance.

I won't give away what happens in the book, but I will say I support the antagonist and his views, for the most part.

Overpopulation is the planet's greatest risk, and it grows exponentially.

Here's a scary image.

So when I hear people against gay marriage worry about replenishing the earth, that scares me even more. The earth is plenty populated. If something is not done there will be nothing left for us, nothing left for the future generations.

I personally don't want kids of my own. If I change my mind, I'm adopting. I just quake at the thought of adding to the population.

Anxiety and Mormonism

I was never comfortable talking about the church when I was member. Except with other members and even then I rarely went into details.

Let me give you an example of why.

Let's look at the Word of Wisdom. For those who don't know it's the code by which mormons live in regards to what is consumed food and beverage wise. Eg no alcohol, tea or coffee, no drugs, etc. As taught by the missionaries and in the class for new members it made sense. Alcohol can (and I mean can) be dangerous and coffee is addictive. Drugs, also quite obvious as is smoking.

It wasn't until a couple of years later when I came across the WoW (word of wisdom, not world of warcraft) in doctrine and covenants section 89 that it suddenly made no sense whatsoever. I remember being excited, thinking I'd gain a better understanding of the commandment instead it left me with a WTH? Feeling.

It says that hot drinks are not for the belly. Yet hot chocolate us ok? I don't know if it was universal either but in my area herbal teas were ok, but not green tea (which is super healthy for you and is considered an herbal tea).

It also talks about wine for the sacrament, and yet they use water. In fact the prayers for the sacrament say wine, and I remember searching for any info on when and why it was changed to water and came up with nada. I'm honestly suspecting (this is my opinion and I haven't researched this) but I suspect the change may have happened around the time of the prohibition.

I also remember a discussion in Institute (a weekly or even bi weekly in some areas church class) there being a discussion about how meat should be eaten sparingly, even not at all and only in times when everything else is sparse. So shouldn't that mean we should be vegetarians? And yet quite a lot of members eat meat all year round.

So when it comes to trying to tell others about this church, no wonder I felt anxious. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone would stump me with a question. And how easy it would be when there's already so much confusion within one of the biggest mormon beliefs. Especially since it has been changed and altered with time.

I used to just chalk it up to continued revelation.

But then when I learned how at one point in time there was the law of consecration, and for a time it worked. Until things eventually fell apart and they revoked the law. It made me uncomfortable because why would god instill it in the first place if the people were not ready? Was he all knowing or not?

But it was a trial of faith yes? The whole thing made me uncomfortable. Looking back a lot of it made me uncomfortable. It wasn't until I decided to explore the why that I realized I needed to leave.

Your Pants are not My Pants

So I saw this on Facebook.

And for half a second I almost agreed then I thought:  No!  People have the right to do whatever the hell they want.  I personally think it's ridiculous but if they want to trip over their own pants then let them.  No one's forcing me to wear their pants like that so why should I force others to wear their pants the way I want them to?

There's a difference between standing up for your beliefs and trying to get others to believe them with you.  Make sure you know and understand that.

Also, please, I am not "struggling" with my faith I have left the church.  As in resigned.  As in no longer going.  As in if you want to see me make plans with me outside of church because that's the only way it's going to happen.

Science VS Religion

I haven't done this much research since I was obsessively reading anything and everything related to Anicent Egypt.  It's exciting and thrilling because it has my brain actively thinking and analyzing the world around me again, and it reminded me of how much I love science.

I've been watching a youtube video series, which if you have me on facebook you'll know about it since I've posted a couple of links.  Why I Left Mormonism  I highly recommend it.  He's very unbiased and has no animosity which I find really incredible.

Anyways, while I was watching part 5, it suddenly struck me (enough that I sat bolt upright and opened up my blog) the reason why it's so hard, if not impossible, for human beings to discuss religious "truths"  And it is because so much of it is based in our emotions.

What words do we hear most often when people are talking about it?  I feel, I know, I testify, etc.

Whereas in science, every single form of science, you have facts, equations, variables, etc.  And although a scientist may be emotionally invested in their work, at the end of the day you cannot deny scientific evidence.  It is entirely based on evidence that can be seen, that can be proved or disproved, and at the end of the day it had nothing to do with emotional based spiritual experiences.

I don't know what may or may not be true regarding God.  But I do have some strong hypotheses and experiences that I had conveniently forgotten while living in the Mormon church.  Truthfully at this point I am hesitant, even unwilling to believe specifically in god.  But, I do feel that there is a power out there that helps to shape the universe, and I do feel that in a way, it helps guide us when we need its guidance.

But ultimately I feel we are very much in control of our own destinies and can literally influence the world around us.  Watch and learn.

I guess I just wish that it were possible to discuss our views without our emotions getting in the way.  But when it comes to beliefs and religions, it's not necessarily impossible, but it is very likely to be charged with emotion, because that is what it is based in.

Really though life at the end of the day is about being happy.  And I think the only way to be happy is to be true to yourself.  For me that meant leaving the church.  I haven't felt this happy or comfortable in my own skin in years.  It's easier to talk to and connect with people.  I no longer worry about the spirit being offended.  Now all I worry about is if my horse is okay and knowing what I can do to help bring a little more equality and understanding into the world.

Writing has become easier because I'm more willing to look at things objectively and I haven't been distracted by a constant nagging guilt.  I recently did a big writer no-no and deleted everything off my computer from that book series I've been talking about for years.  I felt it necessary to do a complete do over.  So for now it's just gonna sit as a vacant spot in my computer until I can reboot my brain properly.

But I'm excited.  Cause there are so many mysteries left to explore and I can wander all over the place without fear.  I can find truth wherever it lies and communicate with people of different races, religions and sexual orientations without worry.  We're all human and that's all that matters.

Being Brave

No sense beating around the Bush anymore so I'm just going to say it:

I've left the Church. (the mormon one for those who dont know).

I know it's a crappy way for some of you to find out, but this way I can get my thoughts out.

First I want to say that I do not regret joining the church. It came at a time when I needed hope, and I've met many wonderful people through it.

That being said, there's a lot that's wrong with it. And if it's supposed to be true, that shouldn't be the case should it?

I can't remember where or when exactly I found out, but I learned that the church put forth funding to make sure proposition 8 was passed. This both enraged and disgusted me. What right did they have to interfere in others lives like that? And using, I'm guessing, money from tithing to do it? What happened to agency? Free will? The actions spoke very differently than the words.

And it left a disquiet in my soul. Which then opened the way for some clear and concise thinking, which I hadn't allowed myself to do in years.

So many things I'd piled onto my shelf came topping down, and after barely any effort came across a lot of information about the church that completely discredits their claim of truth. I've also spoken with people I trust, and have very quickly learned I'm among many who left not because of sin, but because we realized we'd been lied to.

After a lot of reading and a scary afternoon of contemplating the potential damming of my soul, I decided that I was going to leave.

Years if guilt and doubt washed away and I was left feeling free and in control. And that's how it should be. We are in control of ourselves, completely. We do not need religion to dictate every aspect of our lives, especially not our underwear.

See, for a while I've wondered why people weren't more willing to accept the truth of the church. But it's because it does not hold up to serious inquiry. Evidence quickly debunks so much of it. And the god they claim to be so merciful and dull of unconditional love? If that's the case, why are there so many steps to follow and rules to obey to get into the highest glory? Which, even if it turns out to be true, I'd rather be with my family and those I care about.

I'm looking forward to my wedding again. Where my family can see their only daughter get married. As it should be. It's about family isn't it? Why must it be so exclusive?

I could go on and on and perhaps I'll touch on the subject again. But for now this is all I have to say. I know I made the right decision because for the first time in years I'm very comfortable in my own skin and I no longer have to solicit my thoughts.

Hit and Miss

So, recap of the show!
It was really nice waking up at 5:30 when my body decided too instead of my alarm yelling at me. It was also really nice having a lot of time to get my horse white again. (cause one bath is not enough apparently).
They were calling for 30, feels like 40 weather so in my mind I was prepping for a crappy hot day. Thankfully the morning was cloudy and not too bad at all. It stayed cloudy for most of the morning which included warn up and test 1.
This show was a little different because there wasn't space to ride outside if the ring, but we could do a little warm up inside of it. Part of me thought: this should be good for helping me ride like I normally do. We are in the ring and riding normally, yes!
Bell gets rung, we duck out to reenter the ring. And then suddenly the beautiful supple and even paced horse is gone. Perfect confirmation that yes, it IS me doing who knows what in the ring.
Oh well, at least it was seriously funny.
My scores were much better than I thought (60,61 won't! We had a shadow judge) and we came in 6th, but no ribbon sadly.
But that's ok, I will ride better and improve and get me a ribbon! (yes I'm highly competitive).
Test 2, started out being a little wishy washy with a crooked halt (ny bad), and belle resisting a bit, but I was like: no, just ride and get to it. Then boom! I think belle was relieved that I'd actually remembered to ride and breathe during the test. She was round, supple, and we were accurate (not perfect) in our leg yields and my pony had some awesome lengthens.
I came out feeling great and relieved. Ha! Take that nerves I beat ya and rode through it!
Then got a 58 and came in 9th.

Can't please everyone.

Goal for the next show: ride my tests in sitting trot!

Busy Weekend Ahead!

Oh my gosh I can post from my phone, woot!

Moving on.

Show on Sunday which means chores and show prep tomorrow. It's going to be killer hot so I'm gonna be disgusting by the end of it. Hopefully I'll make it out to a show tomorrow too to help out and cheer on some friends! But we'll see how the timing works out.

Today I had a nice chat with one of the ladies at work and something she said really stuck out to me: just focus on your little goal. A light bulb went on in my head and I was: Oh duh, right, that's what I've been missing. I've gotten really good at visualizing, but forgot that pretty important step.

So my goal for this show is to ride like I normally do.

What I mean by that is that, I tend to change my ride enough to affect belle in the show ring. Which affects how she carries herself. At home and in the warm up ring she's nice and soft, moving forward when I don't zone out, and we leg yield very nicely. Then I enter the ring and it all goes out the window. :P

But something tells me that with 30c weather before the humidex will have me too hot to give a crap. Which, ironically at a show, is a good thing for me! :);

Into Darkness

Okay, I can't keep my mouth shut anymore.  So if you have not seen this movie yet disregard this post!  It hurts me inside to spoil people. But I must discuss why this movie is so awesome!!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

So a little while ago I read this blog  and was blown away by the incredible writing that went into that story to craft such a beautiful theme.  Fast forward to the present and you get Star Trek: Into Darkness.

Now, despite being a writer myself, I've always struggled with recognizing theme, let alone describing it, let alone having any idea what themes are in my stories.  (I let them form on their own because otherwise I over focus on them and it kills the whole story).

Watching this movie however, I was completely glued to my seat the entire time with my jaw hanging open as I watched this amazingly written and acted story play out.  And it's the first time that the first time through watching a movie I was aware that someone did write it.  (I'm always "aware" but yeah, moving on).

I'm still in awe at how beautifully they touched on the themes in the Wrath of Khan, mirrored them, and then brought in something new.

So, the story opens when they're on a planet that starts with an n (give me another viewing and I'll have that memorized along with quotes that are already in my brain).  They're working to stop an active volcano from errupting and wiping out the planet.

However as do most things with that crew, things go wrong.  While lowering Spock into the volcano to set up his device that will freeze it, his line is cut and he falls in.  The shuttle has to leave because the engines are being fried by the heat.

To skip ahead a little they're trying to find ways to get Spock back on board before the device goes off and kills him, but Spock being Spock keeps reminding them that to do so would go against their prime directive of not being seen.

He's perfectly willing to let himself die to make sure that doesn't happen, and does his Vulcan thing and doesn't show any emotion that goes along with dying.

They end up saving him of course, but Uhura is, putting it bluntly, pissed.

But here they touch upon something quite beautiful.  I'll get to it in a minute.

Later on after the antagonist of the story blows up a building, then later attacks Starfleet headquarters and Pike dies in the conflict (sad).  Spock mind melds with Pike as he's dying and feels his emotions.  Kirk, being very much human, as soon as he sees Pike is gone, breaks down right away and cries.  He feels the emotions Spock as chosen not to.

Skipping ahead cause I won't say everything that happens in the movie.  They chase John Harrison to Kronos, the Klingon home world.  While they are flying through its atmosphere, Uhura and Spock have a discussion.  Uhura is hurt and upset that Spock had so willingly accepted death.  Accuses him of not feeling or caring what him being gone would've done to her.

Spock however, very sweetly reminds her that just because he choose not to feeling, does not mean that he didn't care.  He says that while Pike died he felt his emotions of anger, loneliness, confusion, emotions he had already felt multiplied greatly as he'd watched his home-world be destroyed.  Emotions he'd vowed never to feel again.  I think in a way, he's afraid of getting in touch with his human side.

Often times in the movie, now that I think of it, Kirk keeps telling Spock that he's trying to talk to the human half of him.  That he is half human and that means certain things come with that.  Emotions being one of them, and loyalty to friends above loyalty to the rules.

Anyhow, fast forward through many awesome moments (like discovering John Harrison is Khan), and so forth.  The enterprise is severely damaged by the new ship and is being pulled by Earth's gravity.  But they have no power and no way of stopping it.  Spock tries to order everyone to escape but they refuse and stay with him.

Down in engeneering Scotty, Kirk and Chekov are working to get power back on the ship.  That's when they discover the... name escapes me, but the thingies are out of alingment and there's no way to revive the ship.

Kirk however, knows there is a way.  Someone would have to go into the highly radiated core and realign the (dang it I almost had the word).  He knocks Scotty out so he can go in there himself and do it (cue much crying from me).

When Kirk's actions succeed and the ship is safely hovering in the atmosphere, someone on the bridge exclaims it's a miracle.  Spock however, says there's no such thing.  That's when Scotty tells him that he needs to get down to engineering and fast.

Right here, riiight here is where the beautiful really starts happening.

Spock gets up and sprints down the ship, and you can see on his face that he knows exactly what he's going to find, but desperately wants to be wrong.

Here, they beautifully, beautifully, beautifully mirror the scene in Wrath of Khan where Spock dies.  But instead obviously it's Kirk.  (And here comes me awkwardly trying to breathe without sobbing in the theater, cause that's embarrassing).

Kirk and Spock talk about how each of them did something the other would have done.  Spock crippled Khan's ship by setting off the torpedoes me made Khan think still had his crew inside, while Kirk sacrificed himself to save the ship.  Kirk then tells Spock that he's afraid.  He asks Spock how he does it?  How does he choose not to fear.

Spock is starting to cry.  He tells Kirk that in that moment he doesn't know how.  He can't remember how because he's feeling.  He's feeling the fear, the pain, the loss.  He's loosing his friend.  After Kirk dies, Spock lets out a huge bellow of rage.  (And I'm seriously a mess at this point).

But isn't it amazing??  The whole movie is a journey for Spock to come in touch with his human side.  To let go and feel.  He's no longer denying his emotions and this point and for the rest of the climax is acting based on his emotions rather than his logic.

Kirk doesn't actually stay dead (thank heavens) because of Khan's superblood and a cryotube.

I remember my mom telling me about a review before I went to see it, saying the movie had no character development and was trying to hard to please both old and new fans.

To that reviewer:  This movie has some of the best character development I have ever seen.  They meshed the old an the new in a way that I never saw coming and completely blew my mind.  They paid homage to an amazing movie and made it their own.

I am still blown away by how awesome that movie is.

The Next Step

Sometimes you're faced with a choice that you know will hurt people.

But you have to make it anyways.

I've already made it, the only question for me now is how to go about telling people.

We Went Mudding

So, I've had this crazy desire for 10+ years.  It comes from the days I had free time and cable and could actually watch show jumping on the weekends.  Whenever I'd see a horse that had crazy wet and muddy footing, part of me thought it looked like a lot of fun to ride through that.  No, seriously, I thought it looked like fun.

Fast forward to the present (well yesterday) and I finally got my chance!  Minus the jumping.

And honestly, it was fun.

People kept commenting on how clean she was.  I 'm still in shock at that.

I was a little concerned at first because Belle usually skirts around every puddle, but I guess when the entire ground is saturated, she doesn't care.  She splashed through that soggy ground like a pro and I couldn't be happier with how she did!

This is going to suck to clean.

It's the first show where after tediously cleaning all my tack I thought to myself:  Why did I bother?  My tack has never looked so disgusting, lol!!  And although I do enjoy cleaning tack, I don't enjoy having to do it so frequently.  (Ie: I clean tack before shows and clinics... occasionally during the winter if it's really bad).

But hey, my horse rode through puddles and even though one of our leg yields was practically non existent and we didn't make the letter (they shortened the ring I swear), placing 5th in both our tests in some pretty big classes leaves this girl feeling very proud of her pony.  This was quite the first show of the season to take her too!

It also helps to know great people who are willing to help you out when you're in a bind!  :)  Belle enjoyed having an entourage.

Who Needs Cable

I saw Star Trek.

It was awesome.

I can't say anything except go see it and be awed.

Oh... my... gosh...

Please go see it so I can blab about it.

In other news I finished reading Inferno this week.  That one blew my mind but in a good way.  I very much enjoyed it and found myself agreeing with the villain, which was kind of a scary thought.

Now I'm halfway through re-reading Angels and Demons.  Almost finished re-watching Avatar.  Not quite ready to let go of my relax and do whatever I want mentality.

Also, first show is in two weeks.  Bring it on. :)

Relaxation

So this week I got to enjoy a well earned staycation!  My gosh did I ever need it!

Of course the latest I slept till was like.... quarter to eight... And that was after waking up at 6:30.  Such is life, lol!  But there's something so relaxtion about being able to just stay in bed just cause you want to, read a few chapters, and ignore your cats as they desperately beg for food... even though they still have some in their bowls.

This was the course of my week:
Wake up, stubbornly close my eyes till it was a more respectable day off wake up time.
Read.
Get up start breakfast.
Read.
Go to the stable and ride.
Depending on the time either start lunch or pop in a disc of Fullmetal Alchemist.
Watch two or three disks.  Sketch while watching.

Repeat.

Needless to say I finished the entire series (51 episodes) by Thursday.  I also finished the Lost Symbol in a couple of days.  Then after a short break picked up Inferno.  I forgot how fun those mysteries are.

Sad that it's over, but hey work is fun and it keeps me productive.  It's a good thing I'm not rich, I'd probably be the laziest rich person ever.

Oh duh!  I also turned 24 on Wednesday!!

There's something about the number 24 that feels... older... When I kept thinking about it I felt two things:
Wow that's old.
And:  am I really that young??

I keep feeling like I'm a few years older than I am.  So it's refreshing to remind myself that I'm still young and that really youth is in your attitude not your age. :)

Comic Con

So.... totally... Awesome!

There's a huge liberating feeling that comes by being surrounded by a whole bunch of other people who are totally in love with all the geeky stuff you are, happily walk around in costume, and getting the chance to get the autographs of people you've admired for years.

I found out I was going on Sunday so no I did not dress up.  But next year baby!  I just have to decide what character from what game/movie/anime/comic/book.... Good thing I have a year!  But I felt totally silly when, after I'd found out I never thought to check who would be coming, and when I was already at my brother's and found out Vic Mignogna would be there.... I first completely spazzed out and then the thought hit me:

WHY DIDN'T I BRING MY FMA DVDS????  (Well one of the 14).  (Those of you who don't know:
FMA = Fullmetal Alchemist.  My favourite anime series and Vic Mignogna voices one of the main characters. :D)

Oh well!  Next time for sure!

My brother kept laughing at me while we were waiting in line and I kept spazzing out, grinning and going: Oh my gosh I think I'm shaking!

Apparently I can get pretty incredibly star struck.

But man!  He's seriously a really nice and totally awesome guy.  Happily chatted with us in line, big smile, and it was seriously really awesome!!

 

 

That grin was with me for probably the entire day.

Yeah... Totally awesome... Must return next year with a costume and more spending money.

Liiiiiiife

One of my little pleasures in life is looking at the views counter thingy in the blogger dashboard.  I love how come saturdays, people start checking the blog to see if I've posted.  Makes me smile.

Haven't been doing much lately, but other than my house being a mess I'm not too upset over that.

Been reading (alternating between the Heroes of Olympus re-read, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, and Quiet)
Been drawing.
Been... I'm afraid to say it in case I jinx it... But I've been writing.
Been playing video games.  Mostly Final Fantasy 13, with some Assassin's Creed, Halo and Gears of War 3 mixed in there.

So really I have been up to a lot, just not really all that productive.  If good weather decides to stay for more days, that will change.  And when I have a sound horse :P

Had fun watching a jumping clinic yesterday and tried out the camera on me new phone!  Also froze with round numero... lost count, of sucky cold weather with yet more SNOW.

23C one day, 4C and every precipitation possible the next.  Welcome to Canada.

Quiet

So this week (dear heavens was Wednesday really just a few days ago??  Moving on)  SO this week I picked up Quiet which I highly suggest anyone, especially introverts pick up and read!  I'm not really far into it, but I have to say it is enlightening, and a huuuuge relief.

Which, the relief kind of surprised me.  I've been quite comfortable with my introvertness for quite a few years now, but it's really comforting reading about how so many people have accomplished great things, quietly.

Though as thoroughly as I'm enjoying the book, it's also giving me quite a few "brain frying" moments.

It's not that its complicated, oh no it's quite straightfoward and easy to follow.  But what fries my brain is when she explains the hows and whys we live in such an extroverted world.  And how so many people are pushing extrovertism.  And I have to go:  Are you people serious??

For example, I'm not sure if this is the case everywhere, but she was saying that more and more schools are adopting the pods system for classes.  Where instead of desks being set up in rows, they're grouped in four facing each other.  And that more and more classes are being done as discussions, with more group projects and etc, even creative writing.

Eeuuuugh.

I had many exclamations of: SERIOUSLY?? Are people serious?? Are you kidding me?  (I haven't been taking the book out in public) 

Because it worries me so much that this is the way people seem to be headed.  Not everyone works well with others and that's okay.  That's fine.  Solitude is not a bad thing.  Being able to work independently is something that should not be overlooked.  It's not the group that makes success, but the individuals that make up that group.

If people are being brought up to always have someone to co-ordinate with.  How the heck are they going to survive in the real world?

And creative writing in a group?  Dear heavens that would've killed my love of the craft.  Don't get me wrong, it can be fun.  But if it's all the time, the truly creative minds who adore it will be held back by those who want nothing to do with it.

What my biggest concern is though is the fact that Introverted behaviour is being labelled as a bad thing.  An anti social thing.

Yes, I do prefer spending time alone with my books, video games, cats, etc.  I dread social outings and get nervous before heading out with friends.  When I'm chatting at the stable, part of me is always thinking: this is fun but I want to head home and play some games.

And no, there is nothing wrong with that.  I have nothing against extroverts, it is because of extroverts that I even talk in the first place.  (Well sort of, when I'm comfortable and have the chance I will talk your ear off... I apologize in advance).  And we need people who aren't afraid to go out there and do stuff or lead others to get things done.

But we also need the quiet thinkers who'll spend hours alone honing their skills and getting ideas.

And really, could you imagine the world if everyone did all the talking?  Who would listen?

I feel like I'm blabbering along.  But I seriously, highly recommend the book.  It's been an eye-opening, brain frying read, and I can't wait to read more of it!

What a time, What a time

I was originally going to put the title as "what a week"  but the past couple (or more?) weeks have kind of blurred together so I really have no certain clue what happened when.

But the past little while has been trying.  The saying: Everything happens at once, is most definitely true.

Our family dog, Mckayla, had started showing signs of age.  And her condition very rapidly digressed until my parents decided she had to be put down.  That was in a matter of a couple of weeks.

I was devastated, she'd been a part of our lives for 12 years.  Helped us get over the loss of Logan and got both me and my brother out of depression.  I was scared too, because I didn't know how to handle loosing her without having another bundle of fur to keep me distracted.  (I love my cats, but they're not very helpful in these situations).

But I did have comfort that at least I'd have Belle to ride and distract me.   HA.

Except that halfway through my riding lesson, on the same day Mckayla was being put down, she went lame.  I'm still in shock I didn't start bawling right then and there.

But I made a decision that I was not going to be angry at God.  If that's how things were going to go I was just going to trust that it was for my good.  And bawl my eyes out in the meantime.

And I think that was the key point during this whole thing.  I realized that having faith doesn't mean you're going to be happy all the time.  It means having trust, even while you're filled with despair and doubts.  It means being determined to forge ahead, even if you have no idea how things will turn out, but trusting that they will.

It also helped that I learned that yes.  I am human, I have emotions, and sometimes those emotions are part of the process.  Feeling them that is.  And grief is one of them.

That being said, things still weren't easy.  Belle and I have been having domestic issues.  Her end due to many unfortunate incidents making her a little jumpy on the crossties, and me having very little patience left to deal with the spazztic moments.  (There has been a lot of: oh my gosh seriously?? moments).

On top of all that, I received a huge heating bill, as the cheques were cashed for the memberships for show season that I seriously hoped I would actually be using (as I flashed back to a couple of springs ago when my pony injured her suspensories right before show season) and a winter that seriously will not go away.

Add to the list of 'things that suck' the fact that I was/am seriously exhausted and you have one very emotionally frazzled Leah that just wants to lay down and cry.

Easter dinner was nice, but it sucked coming home for the first time in 15 years and not having a dog run up to you, eyes bright and tail wagging.

And it also sucked having someone ask: When are you guys getting a new puppy?  Less than a week after your dog died.

Week two, started to feel better, rode some horses at work since I couldn't ride my own, and felt less depressed enough to actually try soaking my pony's foot in case it was an abscess.  (Which caused some more domestic spats).

When I woke up to snow friday(??) morning, it was noooot pretty.  I won't go into details, but I won't deny that I did in fact cry.  I've learned something about myself:  When I have to deal with big things in life, the little things become intolerable.  Snow is now on that list.

However, I've learned that, everything happens at once, can also be good things that happen at once!

Got a message from my coach saying that my pony was perfectly sound (I'm still being cautiously Yay about that one, knock on wood please).
Got to ride a fancy horse a work (Um totally over the moon yay about that one)
I downloaded an app to my phone that would let me watch General Conference (woot!)
And the snow was gone by noon.

I also rejoiced in not having to get my extremely muddy horse ready for a show.

She STILL has some mud left from this.

And even though I was chilled and shivering Saturday morning, I got to enjoy a lot of laughs and some amazingly uplifting messages.

Life does sometimes suck, but at least in those moments you can find out exactly what you're made of.

Oy

Sometimes life just likes to throw you punches.

So this week instead of crying I decided to laugh.  Well truthfully I was half crying half laughing, with some moments of rage in between.

So I buried myself in my video games and tried not to feel sorry for myself.

A Friendly Stranger

I had a neat experience yesterday.

For those of you who don't know, I try not to spend any money on Sundays.  Sometimes though I have moments where I completely miscalculate how much gas is left in my car and have to fuel up.

That's not the neat experience, that's an occasional happening.

But, as I was at the light waiting to turn, the guy in front of me was in a big truck and there wasn't enough room for me to go by.  But I wasn't in a hurry so I didn't really mind waiting at the light.  However, the guy pulled up enough to let me squeeze by, so I smiled and waved.

It didn't end there though!  Then he was even nice enough to back up a bit so I could get a better look at oncoming traffic!!

I love encountering friendly strangers.  It reminds me that there are good people in the world.

Why I Blog

One of my friends wrote a post about why she blogged and encouraged us to do the same so I thought: why not!

I started it out as a place to write about my feelings that I struggle to express in words.  I've always been more open in text rather than in speech, and it helps keep me sane if I can get out my inner most feelings in some way.

I also like to blog about the random little things that happen in life.  And I decided recently that I want to be sure to include the little moments that make me smile, at least one per post.  Because I think sometimes we loose ourselves in the BIG and forget the small.  And it's the simple day to day things that make the most impact.

I also ramble a lot so really I blog to be heard and to be felt.

Random Little Joys:

I broiled a steak and although I cooked it more than I like (I need my meat mooing), it still tasted fantastic!!  (Normally I fail spectacularly at broiling stakes.  Which is quite vexing since I'm a barbecuing pro).

Getting a favourite on a story** that I'd written years ago.

Listening to the awesome music that I'd never transferred from my old laptop!

**Disclaimer if you choose to read it:  I'd started writing it for fun because I desperately needed something to do while I was sick with mono.  It's un-edited and poorly proof read, but it holds a special place in my heart because it's one of the few stories I've actually finished.  And yes, I've written fan fiction. And may or may not be considering a Legend of Zelda fan fiction.

Look I wroted fine print cause I can!

C'est la Vie

This past week I felt like that old man from the Hunchback of Notre Dame.  You know the one, keeps getting liberated from whatever captivity only to stumble into another prison.

Saturday I had an epic wipe out thanks to fresh snow on ice.  I made the mistake of bracing (which I keep telling myself I won't do the next time I fall), and busted up my write arm.  (Which is mostly better now).  And despite falling on my side I managed to bruise the front of my knee... Who knows...

Then, not even a week later... was it thursday?  Friday?  Someday...  Anywho I fell out of the hay stall. Don't even know how that happened and, despite my aforementioned hurting arm while bracing, guess what I did again!  Only with my left hand.

Imagine my moment of: Oh crap!  Because if I actually hurt that one then I'd wouldn't have been able to do anything.  Which would really suck.  Thankfully that one was fine.

Random Other Things:

SO happy Jennifer Lawrence won Best Actress!  (And she fell, poor thing, but it was so funny and cute).

Belle is potentially having teeth issues, but I'm also suspecting she's not liking the fact that I'm asking a little more of her... Took it easy the past couple of rides in case it was her teeth and lo and behold she was happier in the bridle... Hm.  (Teeth issues are a real possibility, it is that time of year).

Snow storm sucked.  But I finally got my house cleaned.

I had a melodramatic couple of days at the beginning of this week and then settled back into being myself...

Last night while picking a movie with friends, I had a moment that probably defines me very well when I said I was torn between watching a chick flick I can't remember and The Last Samurai.

Yep.  (We ended up watching 10 things I hate about You, which wasn't the other choice).

Valentine's Day Plans

Lock the doors.

Watch Skyfall.

Skating on the Canal

I've always been a little amazed with the fact that the locals of a beautiful area rarely take advantage of the beauty right in their backyards as it were.

Until moving out (obviously) I'd lived in Ottawa since I was three years old, so for most of my life.  But I can not for the life of me remember when the last time I went skating on the canal was.  My clearest memory is a school field trip when I was in senior-kidnergarden... when I was five.  And I hadn't been skating since I was fourteen.  (I ended up giving my skates away since I wasn't using them anymore).

So needless to say I was really excited yesterday when some friends from church decided to meet up and head out on the canal.  But also a little nervous I'd fall flat on my face within two seconds. Nine years is a long time.... It's also crazy to think that it has been nine years since grade 9.... Moving on.

The evening held a few firsts for me:
First time tying up my skates all by myself with my bare hands!  (Well technically second since I'd tied them while trying them on).
First time skating on the canal at night!
First time having a maple butter beavertail. (Yuuuuuuumm!!)

I did wipe out a couple of times, but it's the canal.  Ruts and cracks will do that to everyone.  But it was really fun!  I remembered little things that I'd learn while playing ringette and just had a really good time with friends!

Can't wait to get back out there!



So pretty!!

Weathering the Cold

So, if you're in my area you know that this week was cold.  Colder than it has been for a really long time.  My first worry was about how "fun" it was going to be to work in it.  But my biggest worry, I hadn't even thought of till I got a text from my coach's husband saying that he was worried about my water lines potentially freezing and advising me about keeping it going.  He brought me a little heater, I turned up the heat in my place and ran the dishwasher and did a few extra water related things to keep things moving.  Just as I was about to head to bed, a little later than usual, I realized my water had indeed frozen.

Oh... my gosh.  Not a fun thing to realize at ten o'clock at night and you know most people near you are in bed by 9:30 (like I usually am).

There was panic, pacing back and forth and staring at the hole that lead under the trailer and thinking:  yuck I don't want to go down there, but I need to do something.

So, I grabbed a flashlight, hopped down and just stared at the lines going: what am I going to do?  I can't heat up water, running water is slightly the problem at the moment.  I'd had the little heater going in the porch area, but not right by the lines so then I thought, heck worth a shot.

Then I just waited, and prayed.  But y'know, the: ohmygoshpleasehelp, garbled type of prayer.

And then a minute or two at most I hear the water stream through the open taps.  Then there was a lot of thank yous.

It reminded me that you have to do all you can before (or during) prayer, and then leave it all up to God.

Sometimes I forget to do things.  Sometimes I just wait.  But we've been given our agency and our bodies and our minds so that we can use them to solve our problems, and then faith is that extra leap when we can't do it all ourselves.

I also became quite pleased with my layering skills.

Mucking in -37C weather, and I was nice and toasty!  It only took a bajillion layers and physical labour, but it worked!

I also was really thankful to my trusty little car that, although with a lot of protest, started up every morning.

This week was quite nice, albeit a little stressful.  I had plenty of extra time to write, paint, cook and play video games.

No Regrets

I love sitting in church and hearing everything I need to hear.

I love that I love reading the scriptures again.  I've learned that I need to make the time, not wait for it to happen.

I love that Heavenly Father really is right there waiting for me to get it right.  And have conversations with me like no time passed at all.  (Even when it's mainly chastisement.  But from Him it's filled with love).

I love feeling like I know what to do with myself again, even when I haven't a clue at all.

Everything falls into place when you let go and let God.

But letting go doesn't mean doing nothing.  It means doing everything you can, and letting go of the stress and fear that comes from waiting for what you want.

"Thus saith thy Lord, the Lord, and thy God that pleadeth the cause of His people, Behold I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling even the dregs of the cup of my fury; thou shalt no more drink it again."

~Isaiah 51:22

In Sunday School our teacher asked us if we'd ever had an answer to a prayer come to us from the scriptures.  He also asked if any of us would be willing to share.  I hesitated because I couldn't think of a very definite moment, except for the ones I'd been experiencing over the past few days.

And it's not so much an answer to a question... Though I suppose it is.  Lately I've been reading from Isaiah.  No order in particular, I just let the pages flip until the stop at a place that feels right and read whatever chapter that is.

I got a lot of talk about not polluting the Sabboth, not keeping myself seperate from others, and that I've beaten myself up enough and that it was time to move forward and do what was right.

I also may have hesitated cause I was afraid of crying in public.

Travel Plans

As much as I am very much a home body, I love, love, love to travel!  But sadly have not been able to travel for a very long time.  I gotta say it's been driving me slightly mad, I just want to go somewhere.  Everywhere in fact.  I'd seriously love to hop on a plane and back pack all over Europe, Asia, etc.

When I was younger our family used to travel a lot, my mom always said it was in exchange for us not having a cottage.  Totally okay with that, it gave me a great appreciation for seeing the world.

There are many places I really want to see, and so it's really hard for me to try to pin down one place to set a goal and visit!  (Start with one, move on with the rest) just when I think I've finally decided, I think of another place I'd love to go see.

My top two pics right now are Rome and St Martin!

Rome, for many, many reasons.  Thousands of years of history right in one city!  The art, the architecture, it's in Italy.  But also it's been popping up a lot in books, movies, games I read.  I feel like there's a giant finger poking me constantly and saying: Rome, Rome, Rome, over and over again.  Until one day I finally went: ALRIGHT!  I'll start saving up!  (Still have to actually start saving up).

But then I remember this lovely little island in the Caribbean that I got to visit with my parents one year during March break.

Of all the places I've visited it is the first place that I was sad to leave.  Not that I didn't enjoy my other vacations and trips, but I feel like I left a part of my soul in St Martin.  And I have days where I just desperately want to go back there.

The people were amazingly friendly.  Super welcoming and helpful and gracious and just really amazing people.  (The Manager of the restaurant said he'd find me a horse loving guy).  And the scenery???

Ya huh.

White sandy beaches, warm water, never to hot weather, barely rained.  My favourite part?  Sitting on a the little porch to our room at night looking at the lights of the houses in the mountains and watching the masts of the ships docked in the marina sway in the tide.

So cozy, so amazing.

So I've decided I'm honeymooning there and my future husband has no choice in the matter.  I already know what resort too, and we're doing a full moon trail ride.

That way, I can happily visit Rome when I've saved up for it knowing that that trip is already planned.



;)

Onto 2013

I’ve never been much for making resolutions.  It’s not that I feel there’s nothing I need to improve, there’s plenty that I do need to work on, it’s more that so many things feel so… impractical.

People seem to say what they want to accomplish without much thought as to how to go about it.  Now I’m sure that’s not true for everyone, but it does seem to be the norm.

How many failed resolutions are there?

But I was thinking today (Jan 1^st) as I was working and listening to the radio.  That although I don’t make resolutions of my own, the passing of one year to the next is a good time to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to become better.

So I sort of made some resolutions.

But it’s not a list.  It’s more of a promise to myself.  To learn how to roll with the punches better, to not stress out as much and just realize that life is what it is, and the only way it’ll be great is if I make it so.

Last year had plenty of ups and plenty of downs, and the downs were so over exaggerated by my reactions as opposed to the situations themselves, that I realized I wasted a lot of emotional energy and well being over stuff that really, wasn’t all that bad.

That lesson finally really clued in the Friday after that massive snowstorm.  As with snowstorms, there is a lot of snow, which for everyone, but especially in places that involves working outside, snow build-ups cause delays.  It might surprise some of you to learn (but probably not), but I tend to have internal freak outs when I get delayed, mostly on Thursdays and Fridays because I work at both my jobs on those days.

But, that day I made a very important and conscious decision (cause italics just wasn’t enough) that I was not going to freak out over it.  What was the point?  Things were what they were and I’d get done when I’d get done and deal with things when that happened.

I still had a few moments of: oh my gosh!  But I quieted my mind and just worked.

Made Friday to be a pretty darn okay day!  Okay cause, well, there was a lot of snow to push through and that is tiring.

I’ve also struggled probably the most this year with church than I did last year, because this year on top of struggling on regularily attending church, I was (still am) struggling with my testimony.  I had moments where I very much doubted I had one anymore.

And I realized today that my biggest issue with trying to get back on track wasn’t just being un enthusiastic about it, I felt guilty about it.

Let me tell you some short history about myself.  Before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons for those who don’t know the full title), I was… man I don’t even know what to call myself… I was eclectic in my beliefs.  Let’s go with that.

But, there was a brief moment in time way before I’d even heard about mormons where I was quite, very tempted to convert to the Catholic church after attending an overnight catholic riding camp (did not know it was churchy before I arrived, that was a shock).

However, I didn’t actually do so because my main motivation was guilt.

I don’t know about other people but for me guilt is a horrible motivator.  It kills motivation for me and actually makes me feel trapped.  I think that’s why I hate those save the children adds so much, they try to get people to give by guilting them into it.

I personally feel that guilt leads to resentment.

And then I realized that there has been a lot of resentment in me lately against the Church and it was stemming from my guilt at not living to the standards I had so willingly adopted those 3(?) years ago.

But, during Christmas dinner I had a lovely gift.  I was chatting with one of my brother’s in laws whose a priest in the Catholic church and he always wants to know more about Mormons and what we believe, and despite having struggled for months to feel any sort of testimony, I quietly and confidently answered his questions and for the first time in I dunno how long I felt the spirit.

It was nice.  Really nice.  And I also felt, very quietly, while I was filling water buckets and reading a blog post (because internet surfing makes it so much more bearable): Take your time.

Whhewwww that was a huge relief from my shoulders.

It’s really amazing how God can speak to us even if we’ve wandered off.  Everywhere I’ve looked He’s said things to me.  Quiet, loving, reassuring things that lets me know that He loves me no matter what emotional and spiritual roller coaster I decide to throw myself on.  He’s there, and waiting, and will gladly welcome me back when I get back to Him.

I read (or heard) a quote today that said: Not all who wander a lost.

And I realized that, although I’m going through a spiritual dry spell, I’m not lost.  I still now where I’m going, how to get there, I just need to sort out some junk so I can do it.

He knows it, and now so do I.  And that’s all that matters.

Life is a glorious journey and it is what we make of it.  You’re life could be falling to pieces, but if you keep your attitude in the right place, none of that will matter because everything will still be beautiful.  Or, at the very least, you know it will be again.

This year Belle has made a, dare I say, miraculous recovery from a severe injury.  It is really amazing!  She keeps surprising me with how strong she’s gotten, and she’s always ready for more.  (Well more canter work, this going laterally business is taking some coaxing).

I think I’ve just hit a moment of clarity where it’s finally sunk in that: duh I can’t control what happens to me or around me, but I am in control of myself, my emotions (even when they feel out of control) and that it is how decide to handle life that will determine who I am and how I feel.

So here’s to a year gone that has taught me a lot about myself.   And here’s to new opportunities.