Weathering the Cold

So, if you're in my area you know that this week was cold.  Colder than it has been for a really long time.  My first worry was about how "fun" it was going to be to work in it.  But my biggest worry, I hadn't even thought of till I got a text from my coach's husband saying that he was worried about my water lines potentially freezing and advising me about keeping it going.  He brought me a little heater, I turned up the heat in my place and ran the dishwasher and did a few extra water related things to keep things moving.  Just as I was about to head to bed, a little later than usual, I realized my water had indeed frozen.

Oh... my gosh.  Not a fun thing to realize at ten o'clock at night and you know most people near you are in bed by 9:30 (like I usually am).

There was panic, pacing back and forth and staring at the hole that lead under the trailer and thinking:  yuck I don't want to go down there, but I need to do something.

So, I grabbed a flashlight, hopped down and just stared at the lines going: what am I going to do?  I can't heat up water, running water is slightly the problem at the moment.  I'd had the little heater going in the porch area, but not right by the lines so then I thought, heck worth a shot.

Then I just waited, and prayed.  But y'know, the: ohmygoshpleasehelp, garbled type of prayer.

And then a minute or two at most I hear the water stream through the open taps.  Then there was a lot of thank yous.

It reminded me that you have to do all you can before (or during) prayer, and then leave it all up to God.

Sometimes I forget to do things.  Sometimes I just wait.  But we've been given our agency and our bodies and our minds so that we can use them to solve our problems, and then faith is that extra leap when we can't do it all ourselves.

I also became quite pleased with my layering skills.

Mucking in -37C weather, and I was nice and toasty!  It only took a bajillion layers and physical labour, but it worked!

I also was really thankful to my trusty little car that, although with a lot of protest, started up every morning.

This week was quite nice, albeit a little stressful.  I had plenty of extra time to write, paint, cook and play video games.

No Regrets

I love sitting in church and hearing everything I need to hear.

I love that I love reading the scriptures again.  I've learned that I need to make the time, not wait for it to happen.

I love that Heavenly Father really is right there waiting for me to get it right.  And have conversations with me like no time passed at all.  (Even when it's mainly chastisement.  But from Him it's filled with love).

I love feeling like I know what to do with myself again, even when I haven't a clue at all.

Everything falls into place when you let go and let God.

But letting go doesn't mean doing nothing.  It means doing everything you can, and letting go of the stress and fear that comes from waiting for what you want.

"Thus saith thy Lord, the Lord, and thy God that pleadeth the cause of His people, Behold I have taken out of thine hand the cup of trembling even the dregs of the cup of my fury; thou shalt no more drink it again."

~Isaiah 51:22

In Sunday School our teacher asked us if we'd ever had an answer to a prayer come to us from the scriptures.  He also asked if any of us would be willing to share.  I hesitated because I couldn't think of a very definite moment, except for the ones I'd been experiencing over the past few days.

And it's not so much an answer to a question... Though I suppose it is.  Lately I've been reading from Isaiah.  No order in particular, I just let the pages flip until the stop at a place that feels right and read whatever chapter that is.

I got a lot of talk about not polluting the Sabboth, not keeping myself seperate from others, and that I've beaten myself up enough and that it was time to move forward and do what was right.

I also may have hesitated cause I was afraid of crying in public.

Travel Plans

As much as I am very much a home body, I love, love, love to travel!  But sadly have not been able to travel for a very long time.  I gotta say it's been driving me slightly mad, I just want to go somewhere.  Everywhere in fact.  I'd seriously love to hop on a plane and back pack all over Europe, Asia, etc.

When I was younger our family used to travel a lot, my mom always said it was in exchange for us not having a cottage.  Totally okay with that, it gave me a great appreciation for seeing the world.

There are many places I really want to see, and so it's really hard for me to try to pin down one place to set a goal and visit!  (Start with one, move on with the rest) just when I think I've finally decided, I think of another place I'd love to go see.

My top two pics right now are Rome and St Martin!

Rome, for many, many reasons.  Thousands of years of history right in one city!  The art, the architecture, it's in Italy.  But also it's been popping up a lot in books, movies, games I read.  I feel like there's a giant finger poking me constantly and saying: Rome, Rome, Rome, over and over again.  Until one day I finally went: ALRIGHT!  I'll start saving up!  (Still have to actually start saving up).

But then I remember this lovely little island in the Caribbean that I got to visit with my parents one year during March break.

Of all the places I've visited it is the first place that I was sad to leave.  Not that I didn't enjoy my other vacations and trips, but I feel like I left a part of my soul in St Martin.  And I have days where I just desperately want to go back there.

The people were amazingly friendly.  Super welcoming and helpful and gracious and just really amazing people.  (The Manager of the restaurant said he'd find me a horse loving guy).  And the scenery???

Ya huh.

White sandy beaches, warm water, never to hot weather, barely rained.  My favourite part?  Sitting on a the little porch to our room at night looking at the lights of the houses in the mountains and watching the masts of the ships docked in the marina sway in the tide.

So cozy, so amazing.

So I've decided I'm honeymooning there and my future husband has no choice in the matter.  I already know what resort too, and we're doing a full moon trail ride.

That way, I can happily visit Rome when I've saved up for it knowing that that trip is already planned.



;)

Onto 2013

I’ve never been much for making resolutions.  It’s not that I feel there’s nothing I need to improve, there’s plenty that I do need to work on, it’s more that so many things feel so… impractical.

People seem to say what they want to accomplish without much thought as to how to go about it.  Now I’m sure that’s not true for everyone, but it does seem to be the norm.

How many failed resolutions are there?

But I was thinking today (Jan 1^st) as I was working and listening to the radio.  That although I don’t make resolutions of my own, the passing of one year to the next is a good time to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to become better.

So I sort of made some resolutions.

But it’s not a list.  It’s more of a promise to myself.  To learn how to roll with the punches better, to not stress out as much and just realize that life is what it is, and the only way it’ll be great is if I make it so.

Last year had plenty of ups and plenty of downs, and the downs were so over exaggerated by my reactions as opposed to the situations themselves, that I realized I wasted a lot of emotional energy and well being over stuff that really, wasn’t all that bad.

That lesson finally really clued in the Friday after that massive snowstorm.  As with snowstorms, there is a lot of snow, which for everyone, but especially in places that involves working outside, snow build-ups cause delays.  It might surprise some of you to learn (but probably not), but I tend to have internal freak outs when I get delayed, mostly on Thursdays and Fridays because I work at both my jobs on those days.

But, that day I made a very important and conscious decision (cause italics just wasn’t enough) that I was not going to freak out over it.  What was the point?  Things were what they were and I’d get done when I’d get done and deal with things when that happened.

I still had a few moments of: oh my gosh!  But I quieted my mind and just worked.

Made Friday to be a pretty darn okay day!  Okay cause, well, there was a lot of snow to push through and that is tiring.

I’ve also struggled probably the most this year with church than I did last year, because this year on top of struggling on regularily attending church, I was (still am) struggling with my testimony.  I had moments where I very much doubted I had one anymore.

And I realized today that my biggest issue with trying to get back on track wasn’t just being un enthusiastic about it, I felt guilty about it.

Let me tell you some short history about myself.  Before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons for those who don’t know the full title), I was… man I don’t even know what to call myself… I was eclectic in my beliefs.  Let’s go with that.

But, there was a brief moment in time way before I’d even heard about mormons where I was quite, very tempted to convert to the Catholic church after attending an overnight catholic riding camp (did not know it was churchy before I arrived, that was a shock).

However, I didn’t actually do so because my main motivation was guilt.

I don’t know about other people but for me guilt is a horrible motivator.  It kills motivation for me and actually makes me feel trapped.  I think that’s why I hate those save the children adds so much, they try to get people to give by guilting them into it.

I personally feel that guilt leads to resentment.

And then I realized that there has been a lot of resentment in me lately against the Church and it was stemming from my guilt at not living to the standards I had so willingly adopted those 3(?) years ago.

But, during Christmas dinner I had a lovely gift.  I was chatting with one of my brother’s in laws whose a priest in the Catholic church and he always wants to know more about Mormons and what we believe, and despite having struggled for months to feel any sort of testimony, I quietly and confidently answered his questions and for the first time in I dunno how long I felt the spirit.

It was nice.  Really nice.  And I also felt, very quietly, while I was filling water buckets and reading a blog post (because internet surfing makes it so much more bearable): Take your time.

Whhewwww that was a huge relief from my shoulders.

It’s really amazing how God can speak to us even if we’ve wandered off.  Everywhere I’ve looked He’s said things to me.  Quiet, loving, reassuring things that lets me know that He loves me no matter what emotional and spiritual roller coaster I decide to throw myself on.  He’s there, and waiting, and will gladly welcome me back when I get back to Him.

I read (or heard) a quote today that said: Not all who wander a lost.

And I realized that, although I’m going through a spiritual dry spell, I’m not lost.  I still now where I’m going, how to get there, I just need to sort out some junk so I can do it.

He knows it, and now so do I.  And that’s all that matters.

Life is a glorious journey and it is what we make of it.  You’re life could be falling to pieces, but if you keep your attitude in the right place, none of that will matter because everything will still be beautiful.  Or, at the very least, you know it will be again.

This year Belle has made a, dare I say, miraculous recovery from a severe injury.  It is really amazing!  She keeps surprising me with how strong she’s gotten, and she’s always ready for more.  (Well more canter work, this going laterally business is taking some coaxing).

I think I’ve just hit a moment of clarity where it’s finally sunk in that: duh I can’t control what happens to me or around me, but I am in control of myself, my emotions (even when they feel out of control) and that it is how decide to handle life that will determine who I am and how I feel.

So here’s to a year gone that has taught me a lot about myself.   And here’s to new opportunities.