Onto 2013

I’ve never been much for making resolutions.  It’s not that I feel there’s nothing I need to improve, there’s plenty that I do need to work on, it’s more that so many things feel so… impractical.

People seem to say what they want to accomplish without much thought as to how to go about it.  Now I’m sure that’s not true for everyone, but it does seem to be the norm.

How many failed resolutions are there?

But I was thinking today (Jan 1^st) as I was working and listening to the radio.  That although I don’t make resolutions of my own, the passing of one year to the next is a good time to evaluate yourself and see what you can do to become better.

So I sort of made some resolutions.

But it’s not a list.  It’s more of a promise to myself.  To learn how to roll with the punches better, to not stress out as much and just realize that life is what it is, and the only way it’ll be great is if I make it so.

Last year had plenty of ups and plenty of downs, and the downs were so over exaggerated by my reactions as opposed to the situations themselves, that I realized I wasted a lot of emotional energy and well being over stuff that really, wasn’t all that bad.

That lesson finally really clued in the Friday after that massive snowstorm.  As with snowstorms, there is a lot of snow, which for everyone, but especially in places that involves working outside, snow build-ups cause delays.  It might surprise some of you to learn (but probably not), but I tend to have internal freak outs when I get delayed, mostly on Thursdays and Fridays because I work at both my jobs on those days.

But, that day I made a very important and conscious decision (cause italics just wasn’t enough) that I was not going to freak out over it.  What was the point?  Things were what they were and I’d get done when I’d get done and deal with things when that happened.

I still had a few moments of: oh my gosh!  But I quieted my mind and just worked.

Made Friday to be a pretty darn okay day!  Okay cause, well, there was a lot of snow to push through and that is tiring.

I’ve also struggled probably the most this year with church than I did last year, because this year on top of struggling on regularily attending church, I was (still am) struggling with my testimony.  I had moments where I very much doubted I had one anymore.

And I realized today that my biggest issue with trying to get back on track wasn’t just being un enthusiastic about it, I felt guilty about it.

Let me tell you some short history about myself.  Before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons for those who don’t know the full title), I was… man I don’t even know what to call myself… I was eclectic in my beliefs.  Let’s go with that.

But, there was a brief moment in time way before I’d even heard about mormons where I was quite, very tempted to convert to the Catholic church after attending an overnight catholic riding camp (did not know it was churchy before I arrived, that was a shock).

However, I didn’t actually do so because my main motivation was guilt.

I don’t know about other people but for me guilt is a horrible motivator.  It kills motivation for me and actually makes me feel trapped.  I think that’s why I hate those save the children adds so much, they try to get people to give by guilting them into it.

I personally feel that guilt leads to resentment.

And then I realized that there has been a lot of resentment in me lately against the Church and it was stemming from my guilt at not living to the standards I had so willingly adopted those 3(?) years ago.

But, during Christmas dinner I had a lovely gift.  I was chatting with one of my brother’s in laws whose a priest in the Catholic church and he always wants to know more about Mormons and what we believe, and despite having struggled for months to feel any sort of testimony, I quietly and confidently answered his questions and for the first time in I dunno how long I felt the spirit.

It was nice.  Really nice.  And I also felt, very quietly, while I was filling water buckets and reading a blog post (because internet surfing makes it so much more bearable): Take your time.

Whhewwww that was a huge relief from my shoulders.

It’s really amazing how God can speak to us even if we’ve wandered off.  Everywhere I’ve looked He’s said things to me.  Quiet, loving, reassuring things that lets me know that He loves me no matter what emotional and spiritual roller coaster I decide to throw myself on.  He’s there, and waiting, and will gladly welcome me back when I get back to Him.

I read (or heard) a quote today that said: Not all who wander a lost.

And I realized that, although I’m going through a spiritual dry spell, I’m not lost.  I still now where I’m going, how to get there, I just need to sort out some junk so I can do it.

He knows it, and now so do I.  And that’s all that matters.

Life is a glorious journey and it is what we make of it.  You’re life could be falling to pieces, but if you keep your attitude in the right place, none of that will matter because everything will still be beautiful.  Or, at the very least, you know it will be again.

This year Belle has made a, dare I say, miraculous recovery from a severe injury.  It is really amazing!  She keeps surprising me with how strong she’s gotten, and she’s always ready for more.  (Well more canter work, this going laterally business is taking some coaxing).

I think I’ve just hit a moment of clarity where it’s finally sunk in that: duh I can’t control what happens to me or around me, but I am in control of myself, my emotions (even when they feel out of control) and that it is how decide to handle life that will determine who I am and how I feel.

So here’s to a year gone that has taught me a lot about myself.   And here’s to new opportunities.