It's funny how every year there's this huge build up prior to Christmas and it feels like it takes forever to get here. And then just like that it's gone!
This year was really good! I think Callan made it extra special because for the first Christmas ever I didn't care about getting the presents opened, I was just so excited to see what he'd think of the whole hting. And it was just so nice to be with family and be able to relax.
It went by so fast but at the same time it feels like it was so long ago!
And I'm super excited about my crock pot! Amazing how priorities change over the years!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Dating....
So I was reading from this great blog about how to attract a mentor and I couldn't help but notice so many similarities with dating. In fact if anything it's exactly the same. Because really finding that person you want to marry shouldn't be any more difficult than finding friends.
But it seems, because of it's importance people tend to put a little too much thought into it.
I've hit a stage where if I did swear it'd have to be bleeped out. But I've hit that oh "forget" it stage, because for years it has been very, very frustrating to deal with people of the opposite gender. And most of the frustration is from lack of time, because really "lack of time" is lack of proper motivation*. Because when I can I will make time to see friends, etc.
*but it also means I like to be in bed by 9:30 cause I get sleepy at 8....
But I'm also incredibly frustrated because I look at the history of guys I've dealt with and oh... my... GOSH!! It has "I'm too nice" written all over it.
Anywhoo, while I was reading that blog post I came across this great statement:
But it seems, because of it's importance people tend to put a little too much thought into it.
I've hit a stage where if I did swear it'd have to be bleeped out. But I've hit that oh "forget" it stage, because for years it has been very, very frustrating to deal with people of the opposite gender. And most of the frustration is from lack of time, because really "lack of time" is lack of proper motivation*. Because when I can I will make time to see friends, etc.
*but it also means I like to be in bed by 9:30 cause I get sleepy at 8....
But I'm also incredibly frustrated because I look at the history of guys I've dealt with and oh... my... GOSH!! It has "I'm too nice" written all over it.
Anywhoo, while I was reading that blog post I came across this great statement:
Finding the right mentor will involve this frustrating x factor that you
cannot control. Don’t try too hard to conjure it on your own—when you
put a lot of effort into forming a friendship it is embarrassingly
transparent. And it will have the adverse effect of what you are hoping
for.
I've had guys try way, way, way too hard to form a relationship with me. And when I read this it was an: oh my gosh THANK YOU! moment! Because it really is so freaking transparent, and really does send the message of either
- They're desperate.
- Or they're creepy.
- Or both.
I've dealt with these a lot. I've also got quite a block list going on on fb...
Because nothing is more frustrating than having someone constantly AT you trying desperately to get you. It is NOT flattering and really gives absolutely no consideration to the person you're trying so hard to be with.
You have to be aware of the person you're talking to or trying to you. What's their body language like? Are they meeting your eyes? Are they smiling or grimacing? Are they glancing towards the door? Do they seem genuinely happy to be around you and talking?
AND let me just say, just because some is happy and having doesn't automatically mean they're interested in that way and there is nothing wrong with that. I struggle with this sometimes too, and it's really hard if you do have a crush on someone. But that's when it's important to take a deep breath, step back, and just see how the encounter turns out.
Don't get me wrong, I've made plenty of embarrassing dating mistakes that make me want to crawl into a hole and hide when I think of them. But really, you just have to laugh, shrug and move one cause it's part of being human. We tend to muss things up, but that's a part of learning.
Take it slow too. Don't rush or push because that just drives people away. Some people might be carrying around baggage that'll take time to let go of. And they may not want to tell you about it after three dates because they just don't trust you enough to open up to you. And don't take that personally either.
And if you do have baggage? Wait a little bit before talking about it... It's not a first date kind of thing.
So really, I guess I just feel like dating is being taken way, way too seriously. Just get to know people and see where it leads. Take the time to listen, take the time to observe and learn about the people around you. Because anyone can take you completely by surprise.
That's also where I'm at too. Sure I have a some guys I'm interested in but I'm mainly just waiting to see what comes along and who'll surprise me.
Which may take a while since I've been a semi-hermit for a few weeks. Now to go back to snoozing to send this cold on it's way.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
I Found Me Again
So as you who've been reading for a while know I've been struggling for a while with writing.
Every so often I'd have an aha! moment, that wouldn't last long and fizzle out. But I've been reading this great blog, and it has helped me remember what is that I really, truly, love about stories and what I love about writing.
Characters
Every single story that I absolutely adore has characters in it that tugged at my heartstrings in some form or another. It could be the villain, it could be the hero, it could be a little side character. But some where in that story was a character that made me feel.
And really, characters are what truly drive a plot.
For years I've been reading about how to make plots, outlines, etc, trying to get through this major block. And none of it was working. But this morning I had a huge, huge moment of clarity that left me shaking.
For the first time in years I thought about my characters, and what really drove them. Man vs Self the true conflict of any story. It what grips us whether we realize it or not. So I thought, and holy crap, I'm so freaking excited to introduce you all to my characters.
I was in awe. And really quite humbled that these guys are in my head.
So I opened up a document and wrote outlines of my characters journeys with themselves throughout the story. And completely left out any details of "the plot". Cause I remembered that when I truly got into my writing, when I used to have flow, I wrote characters. I used to always describe myself as a character writer. I'd focus on them and let them tell the story through their actions and their relationships with the people around them.
I also totally adore my villains.
Recently one of my friends while we were baking wondered about how those nasty villains come to be, what kind of person creates those? Or one time at church while discussing the Hunger Games with someone, they wondered how someone could write something that violent.
The thing is, characters and stories are as much a discovery for the writer as it is for you readers. And the stories, the villains, are the means to introduce you to the real story. The characters and what they have to learn and overcome about themselves. And sometimes the villains themselves are the stories.
For example, the Phantom of the Opera. Would we love the story as much if the Phantom wasn't the way he is? He's a tragic soul, but isn't that what's so compelling about him? In the end he chooses to let Kristine go, thinking of her instead of himself.
And the character I am the most excited about writing is very much a villain. I won't say more, but man oh man I can't wait for you guys to meet him!
Now, back to writing my characters.
Every so often I'd have an aha! moment, that wouldn't last long and fizzle out. But I've been reading this great blog, and it has helped me remember what is that I really, truly, love about stories and what I love about writing.
Characters
Every single story that I absolutely adore has characters in it that tugged at my heartstrings in some form or another. It could be the villain, it could be the hero, it could be a little side character. But some where in that story was a character that made me feel.
And really, characters are what truly drive a plot.
For years I've been reading about how to make plots, outlines, etc, trying to get through this major block. And none of it was working. But this morning I had a huge, huge moment of clarity that left me shaking.
For the first time in years I thought about my characters, and what really drove them. Man vs Self the true conflict of any story. It what grips us whether we realize it or not. So I thought, and holy crap, I'm so freaking excited to introduce you all to my characters.
I was in awe. And really quite humbled that these guys are in my head.
So I opened up a document and wrote outlines of my characters journeys with themselves throughout the story. And completely left out any details of "the plot". Cause I remembered that when I truly got into my writing, when I used to have flow, I wrote characters. I used to always describe myself as a character writer. I'd focus on them and let them tell the story through their actions and their relationships with the people around them.
I also totally adore my villains.
Recently one of my friends while we were baking wondered about how those nasty villains come to be, what kind of person creates those? Or one time at church while discussing the Hunger Games with someone, they wondered how someone could write something that violent.
The thing is, characters and stories are as much a discovery for the writer as it is for you readers. And the stories, the villains, are the means to introduce you to the real story. The characters and what they have to learn and overcome about themselves. And sometimes the villains themselves are the stories.
For example, the Phantom of the Opera. Would we love the story as much if the Phantom wasn't the way he is? He's a tragic soul, but isn't that what's so compelling about him? In the end he chooses to let Kristine go, thinking of her instead of himself.
And the character I am the most excited about writing is very much a villain. I won't say more, but man oh man I can't wait for you guys to meet him!
Now, back to writing my characters.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Goals
Kay life:
1.Finally saw Skyfall with my brother last weekend. Oh. My. Gosh!! I've never actually been scared watching a Bond film before, and I was most definitely on the edge of my seat with my heart pounding for most of it! Totally, totally brilliant! I can't wait to see what they do next!
2.Was in a wicked bad mood this week. Been in a wicked bad mood for a while now, most unlike me. Then on Friday it went poof! Don't care why, just glad that's gone. Also totally helped that my horse was a superstar and my coach helped me through some problems I've been having.
1st level is looking reachable again, woot!
3.My brain kicked into overdrive last night.
I'd just turned out my lights and settled onto my pillow and suddenly I was like: If money was no object what kind of facility would I really want to have? And even though I went through a lot of the material things, it also somehow put into perspective how I'd want to run my business, what kind of clientele I'd like to attract, and so on.
And then this morning I read a great article from Dressage Today about how some people went pro under the mentorship of Lars.... totally blanked on his last name (still learning about the big dressage peeps). And what really struck me was that it wasn't about winning at shows, it wasn't about the olympics, but about the every day struggles and the journey of training horses. And I was like: Oh my gosh that's it!!
See for a long while I always, always, always wanted to go to the olympics. But ever since working for a grand prix show jumper one summer it really hasn't been as important to me. Yeah sure part of me still really wants to, but I dunno.
And, finally going to admit this to the public, I've been (for the most part) enjoying riding a lot more since I've switched to dressage.
There. Said it. This former jumper has completely converted...
Cause there's just... I'm not even sure how to put it into words. Yeah I've been trying for a few minutes and just can't quite explain it. But it's a really exciting training a horse through the levels in dressage. And Belle and I are still schooling 1st/2nd level, I can't wait to feel what it's like to move up higher!
Now I do realize that to reach my goals there's a lot more I need to do. I need to ride more, and take every opportunity I can. I've gotten better, but I do still feel I need to do more. Can we invent an 8th day?
What I really, really want to do though is train horses for people with lower budgets. Because I love this sport, but it really is geared towards people who either have money or have connections or both. That's great and all but there's a lot of people who, like me, want it really badly but have neither. They can't get their hands on those horses that will bring them up the levels, or whatever's holding them back.
But I also know that it is possible for a lot of breeds to compete at whatever level. Granted it all completely depends on the horse, but having a warmblood also does not guarantee it'll make it grand prix.
I'd also really love to see more programs for adult amatures to give them opporunities like what the junior riders have. I'm all for getting kids into sports and helping them along. But what about us folks who work two or more jobs to sustain our riding, and just can't quite get that break we need to get recongized? To get experience and to get that step up into the professional ranks of things. Or to get a feel of an olympic style competition?
Kay my brain is shutting off so I'm not sure if I'm making sense.
But even if I don't see it come to pass, I want to have enough influence one day to be able to bring something to the adult amatures.
I'd love more than anything to be training, riding the greener horses, spending more time with horses than doing stalls. I feel like I'm close and could be there, and I know I need to show more motivation on my part, it's been a struggle for a while. Sometimes I feel like I chose wrong going to college, but no sense beating myself up about it. I am learning a lot, and I've gotten a ton of experience and I know it can work cause I'll make it work. Or something, I dunno.
I just know it's something I really want to do. Getting a couple rides on my coach's 2 year old really invigorated me. There's something about a young horse that is just so fun. A little scary, sure, but hey everything related to horses can be a little scary if you think of the what ifs too much.
But for fun here's the material side of my dream stable:
LOTS of land. With a forest on property for lots of hacking fun.
Coverall arena and barn. I love, love, love how bright and airy they are! No insulation in the barn except for water taps. Makes blanketing infinitely easier! (Tackroom, viewing area most definitely heated!)
Number of stalls undecided, but I'd figure around 10-15, at least to start.
Layout also not really important in my mind for now. But would love an indoor wash stall with hot water (makes washing gray horses so much easier). But I'm perfectly happy with any form of wash stall. Also would like grooming stalls, cause they keep the aisles clear! But a lesser priority.
Arena size, I'm torn. On the one hand I love the feeling of stepping outside after the winter and finally stepping into a bigger ring. On the other hand I thought it'd be fun to have it big enough to have a full size dressage ring with a bit of extra room for an indoor fun show or something. And more room is good for clinics!
There was more, but a lot of it is still flexible in my mind because although I have my ideal if I see a freaking gorgeous already set up place that I like and can afford I'd take it. Or on the other hand I'm completely willing to compromise things to get set up and running and improve as I go.
But it felt nice to finally have something more concrete in my mind. Makes it easier to work towards it.
1.Finally saw Skyfall with my brother last weekend. Oh. My. Gosh!! I've never actually been scared watching a Bond film before, and I was most definitely on the edge of my seat with my heart pounding for most of it! Totally, totally brilliant! I can't wait to see what they do next!
2.Was in a wicked bad mood this week. Been in a wicked bad mood for a while now, most unlike me. Then on Friday it went poof! Don't care why, just glad that's gone. Also totally helped that my horse was a superstar and my coach helped me through some problems I've been having.
1st level is looking reachable again, woot!
3.My brain kicked into overdrive last night.
I'd just turned out my lights and settled onto my pillow and suddenly I was like: If money was no object what kind of facility would I really want to have? And even though I went through a lot of the material things, it also somehow put into perspective how I'd want to run my business, what kind of clientele I'd like to attract, and so on.
And then this morning I read a great article from Dressage Today about how some people went pro under the mentorship of Lars.... totally blanked on his last name (still learning about the big dressage peeps). And what really struck me was that it wasn't about winning at shows, it wasn't about the olympics, but about the every day struggles and the journey of training horses. And I was like: Oh my gosh that's it!!
See for a long while I always, always, always wanted to go to the olympics. But ever since working for a grand prix show jumper one summer it really hasn't been as important to me. Yeah sure part of me still really wants to, but I dunno.
And, finally going to admit this to the public, I've been (for the most part) enjoying riding a lot more since I've switched to dressage.
There. Said it. This former jumper has completely converted...
Cause there's just... I'm not even sure how to put it into words. Yeah I've been trying for a few minutes and just can't quite explain it. But it's a really exciting training a horse through the levels in dressage. And Belle and I are still schooling 1st/2nd level, I can't wait to feel what it's like to move up higher!
Now I do realize that to reach my goals there's a lot more I need to do. I need to ride more, and take every opportunity I can. I've gotten better, but I do still feel I need to do more. Can we invent an 8th day?
What I really, really want to do though is train horses for people with lower budgets. Because I love this sport, but it really is geared towards people who either have money or have connections or both. That's great and all but there's a lot of people who, like me, want it really badly but have neither. They can't get their hands on those horses that will bring them up the levels, or whatever's holding them back.
But I also know that it is possible for a lot of breeds to compete at whatever level. Granted it all completely depends on the horse, but having a warmblood also does not guarantee it'll make it grand prix.
I'd also really love to see more programs for adult amatures to give them opporunities like what the junior riders have. I'm all for getting kids into sports and helping them along. But what about us folks who work two or more jobs to sustain our riding, and just can't quite get that break we need to get recongized? To get experience and to get that step up into the professional ranks of things. Or to get a feel of an olympic style competition?
Kay my brain is shutting off so I'm not sure if I'm making sense.
But even if I don't see it come to pass, I want to have enough influence one day to be able to bring something to the adult amatures.
I'd love more than anything to be training, riding the greener horses, spending more time with horses than doing stalls. I feel like I'm close and could be there, and I know I need to show more motivation on my part, it's been a struggle for a while. Sometimes I feel like I chose wrong going to college, but no sense beating myself up about it. I am learning a lot, and I've gotten a ton of experience and I know it can work cause I'll make it work. Or something, I dunno.
I just know it's something I really want to do. Getting a couple rides on my coach's 2 year old really invigorated me. There's something about a young horse that is just so fun. A little scary, sure, but hey everything related to horses can be a little scary if you think of the what ifs too much.
But for fun here's the material side of my dream stable:
LOTS of land. With a forest on property for lots of hacking fun.
Coverall arena and barn. I love, love, love how bright and airy they are! No insulation in the barn except for water taps. Makes blanketing infinitely easier! (Tackroom, viewing area most definitely heated!)
Number of stalls undecided, but I'd figure around 10-15, at least to start.
Layout also not really important in my mind for now. But would love an indoor wash stall with hot water (makes washing gray horses so much easier). But I'm perfectly happy with any form of wash stall. Also would like grooming stalls, cause they keep the aisles clear! But a lesser priority.
Arena size, I'm torn. On the one hand I love the feeling of stepping outside after the winter and finally stepping into a bigger ring. On the other hand I thought it'd be fun to have it big enough to have a full size dressage ring with a bit of extra room for an indoor fun show or something. And more room is good for clinics!
There was more, but a lot of it is still flexible in my mind because although I have my ideal if I see a freaking gorgeous already set up place that I like and can afford I'd take it. Or on the other hand I'm completely willing to compromise things to get set up and running and improve as I go.
But it felt nice to finally have something more concrete in my mind. Makes it easier to work towards it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Doubts and Impasses
I have a bad habit of not opening up. Of not letting people in. Of not letting people know when I am struggling. So here's me opening up. One of these days I'll actually say it.
But the thing is lately I've had doubts encroaching my mind. Doubts about the truth of things. And I realize those doubts have been allowed to take root because 1, i failed to acknowledge them, and 2, I've not been diligent in my prayers or scripture study or church attendance (and sadly the list goes on).
We've learned about patterns, and how often patterns are lessons and are repeated until we've learned the lesson. I've been living this pattern for over a year now. One of these days I'm going to learn it cause I'd really like something new to happen in my life. (But sometimes that also scares me).
But with these moments of doubt, beautiful moments of truth have come. They've been soft, quiet, but they have been there.
Lately I've doubted Agency, I've doubted how much of our will is actually free if there is so much restriction. Why the commandments, why living the way we do? Why why why why why... But I've also realized that I've been moping cause I wasn't being aloud to sin and be happy.
But through that, I've been guided lovingly, gently, to messages that countered those doubts. They reminded me that I am in control of my happiness. I'm in control of what to do in my life. And I think those doubts came because I misunderstood how we're guided in life.n
I often make the mistakes of wanting to know the right choice before I make it so I don't make a bad one. But as it says in the scriptures, that's being a slothful servant. That won't help me progress and grow and become a truly faithful servant of the Lord capable of changing the world.
So slowly, I've been realizing that I have to act before I can know. It's a little scary. But I guess it's like when I was facing the decision to join the church. I had a feeling but not a knowledge of its truth. And it wasn't until I leaped that I realized it was.
And although I feel my testimony is very much rattled and shaken and torn, it's not completely gone yet. I don't deny the truth, I'm just having trouble feeling it like I used to. But that's my own fault.
I guess I let life beat me down instead of using it to empower me. Once again I was stubbornly trying to make things better on my own. (Dear heavens again??) When that really is not the way to do things.
Give your problems over to the Lord and He'll help you through it. Not take it away, but guide you so that you can make it through, testimony and faith intact.
But I tend to get stubborn, think I'm right, and frankly want things my way and when I want them.
Oh what a silly child I can be.
However it was eating away at me. Why are we given all our abilites to reason and think and use logic to make decisions and plans if sometimes those are all taken away and we're not told why? Why can't we know sometimes? Why is it veiled from us?
But that's how faith is built.... But for a while, and I still struggle with it a bit. I did wonder how in the heck that was supposed to build faith. Especially when decisions were made prayerfully, with confirmation before hand. And it leads me in completely the opposite direction of what I'd imagined. (Belle no longer able to jump, dates not happening, friends not coming out at all).
It's left me frustrated and angry and hurt. And even a little lonely.
Often I feel I'm on my own. I can't make it out to church activities during the week. I've got an hour one way trip. I work early, I work hard, and especially on evenings that I do work it's just not possible. But it also means I can't spend time with friends and when I can't do that, I can't get close to them. And when I try, I often feel like my efforts are left in vain.
But, I've had opportunites, here and there, that let me know that I do still have friends, even if I can't see them. But I've let myself be closed off again. Cause I keep asking myself when it's going to end.
I feel like my whole life the only people who've stayed when I've gotten close to them, were never close to begin with. Those who've been in the same city as me have all moved away. And either by my own negligence or theirs, contact has been lost.
It sucks. And it makes me wonder how a marriage can be eternal when some friendships that could be, haven't felt like it at all.
This month is the first time since joining the church that I'm not going on a Temple trip with my ward. I know I need, but I also know I'm not worthy. I can't confidently answer the questions in the interview for a recommend. I also haven't payed my tithing at all this month, even though I know the blessings it brings.
I'm stuck at a frustrating impasse with myself. Where I know what is true, but I just can't bring myself to act on them. Because of the doubts clouding my mind.
When I do what I know is right, I do feel much, much better and brighter. But, part of me is so frustrated with the social side of things that happens wherever humans meet in groups, and despite the fact that I know church is not about that. It's still hard to walk into a building full of people where you don't feel close to anyone. And see people being close to others.
The people I have felt close to aren't in my ward anymore. And I don't feel like getting close to others at this point.
It's hard too, cause the people I am close to aren't part of the church. I want to set a good example, but like I've been saying, it's hard.
But I know my decision to move to the country was right. If anything it's shown who actually cares about me and who's willing to make the same sacrifice of time as I am.
I also know that Heavenly Father is there when I need him (which is always). And He's always there waiting for me to stop being prideful and talk to Him. But lately I haven't been honest and open enough even with Him. There have been too many worldly distractions.
I've been told I can do hard things, and I do believe it. But man sometimes it's so tempting to just throw in the towel and walk away.
But the part of me that still believes knows that would be the stupidest mistake of my life. And I've made some pretty stupid ones.
But the thing is lately I've had doubts encroaching my mind. Doubts about the truth of things. And I realize those doubts have been allowed to take root because 1, i failed to acknowledge them, and 2, I've not been diligent in my prayers or scripture study or church attendance (and sadly the list goes on).
We've learned about patterns, and how often patterns are lessons and are repeated until we've learned the lesson. I've been living this pattern for over a year now. One of these days I'm going to learn it cause I'd really like something new to happen in my life. (But sometimes that also scares me).
But with these moments of doubt, beautiful moments of truth have come. They've been soft, quiet, but they have been there.
Lately I've doubted Agency, I've doubted how much of our will is actually free if there is so much restriction. Why the commandments, why living the way we do? Why why why why why... But I've also realized that I've been moping cause I wasn't being aloud to sin and be happy.
But through that, I've been guided lovingly, gently, to messages that countered those doubts. They reminded me that I am in control of my happiness. I'm in control of what to do in my life. And I think those doubts came because I misunderstood how we're guided in life.n
I often make the mistakes of wanting to know the right choice before I make it so I don't make a bad one. But as it says in the scriptures, that's being a slothful servant. That won't help me progress and grow and become a truly faithful servant of the Lord capable of changing the world.
So slowly, I've been realizing that I have to act before I can know. It's a little scary. But I guess it's like when I was facing the decision to join the church. I had a feeling but not a knowledge of its truth. And it wasn't until I leaped that I realized it was.
And although I feel my testimony is very much rattled and shaken and torn, it's not completely gone yet. I don't deny the truth, I'm just having trouble feeling it like I used to. But that's my own fault.
I guess I let life beat me down instead of using it to empower me. Once again I was stubbornly trying to make things better on my own. (Dear heavens again??) When that really is not the way to do things.
Give your problems over to the Lord and He'll help you through it. Not take it away, but guide you so that you can make it through, testimony and faith intact.
But I tend to get stubborn, think I'm right, and frankly want things my way and when I want them.
Oh what a silly child I can be.
However it was eating away at me. Why are we given all our abilites to reason and think and use logic to make decisions and plans if sometimes those are all taken away and we're not told why? Why can't we know sometimes? Why is it veiled from us?
But that's how faith is built.... But for a while, and I still struggle with it a bit. I did wonder how in the heck that was supposed to build faith. Especially when decisions were made prayerfully, with confirmation before hand. And it leads me in completely the opposite direction of what I'd imagined. (Belle no longer able to jump, dates not happening, friends not coming out at all).
It's left me frustrated and angry and hurt. And even a little lonely.
Often I feel I'm on my own. I can't make it out to church activities during the week. I've got an hour one way trip. I work early, I work hard, and especially on evenings that I do work it's just not possible. But it also means I can't spend time with friends and when I can't do that, I can't get close to them. And when I try, I often feel like my efforts are left in vain.
But, I've had opportunites, here and there, that let me know that I do still have friends, even if I can't see them. But I've let myself be closed off again. Cause I keep asking myself when it's going to end.
I feel like my whole life the only people who've stayed when I've gotten close to them, were never close to begin with. Those who've been in the same city as me have all moved away. And either by my own negligence or theirs, contact has been lost.
It sucks. And it makes me wonder how a marriage can be eternal when some friendships that could be, haven't felt like it at all.
This month is the first time since joining the church that I'm not going on a Temple trip with my ward. I know I need, but I also know I'm not worthy. I can't confidently answer the questions in the interview for a recommend. I also haven't payed my tithing at all this month, even though I know the blessings it brings.
I'm stuck at a frustrating impasse with myself. Where I know what is true, but I just can't bring myself to act on them. Because of the doubts clouding my mind.
When I do what I know is right, I do feel much, much better and brighter. But, part of me is so frustrated with the social side of things that happens wherever humans meet in groups, and despite the fact that I know church is not about that. It's still hard to walk into a building full of people where you don't feel close to anyone. And see people being close to others.
The people I have felt close to aren't in my ward anymore. And I don't feel like getting close to others at this point.
It's hard too, cause the people I am close to aren't part of the church. I want to set a good example, but like I've been saying, it's hard.
But I know my decision to move to the country was right. If anything it's shown who actually cares about me and who's willing to make the same sacrifice of time as I am.
I also know that Heavenly Father is there when I need him (which is always). And He's always there waiting for me to stop being prideful and talk to Him. But lately I haven't been honest and open enough even with Him. There have been too many worldly distractions.
I've been told I can do hard things, and I do believe it. But man sometimes it's so tempting to just throw in the towel and walk away.
But the part of me that still believes knows that would be the stupidest mistake of my life. And I've made some pretty stupid ones.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The List!
While watching a movie with my brother and sister in law a few weeks ago, my sister in law looked at me and was like: Oh you so know you have a list! And I laughed and nodded my head.
The list of course being what I want in a guy.
But the thing is, my list has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. Yes I used to have the whole must be tall, muscular, into horses, blah, blah blah, blah blah...
Yeaaaaah.
Now my list is this:
Cause really that's all that matters to me. Everything else is so not needed to find that guy that I'll want to spend eternity with. But what does matter to me is that he'll love me for who I am without trying to change me. And is willing to listen, and I mean really listen. (Since my last ranty post I think you know how I feel about not being listened too....)
Every so often I still worry about the trivial. What can I say? There are physical qualities that I'm attracted to. Oddly enough I've discovered I really like hands. I first noticed this while watching Prince of Persia. Jake Gyllenhaal has really nice hands.
Moving on.
I also worry if whoever that guy will be will be able to keep up with me... Then realized that whoever it is will have to because I ain't slowing down.
But what I really agonize over are the two things on my list. Sometimes I even get mini panic attacks over them. What if they try to change me? Is my biggest fear. But, even though sometimes I get stuck with a jerk for a little bit of time. I've always gotten to that heck no point and put an end to harmful relationships before they got really bad.
However, those bad relationships have left me hesitant. They all started out well enough, but really looking back at them. They never were good. It just took me a while to remember what my first impression of them were, and realize that hey, it was right.
I also really just need to remember to trust that whoever God will put into my life will be good for me. I need to trust His judgment cause I know mine can be led astray.
I know that the guy I'll go to the Temple with will be a great guy. We'll have a great relationship, we'll have fun and hey, we'll be in love. This I know. Cause I'm not settling for anything less.
The list of course being what I want in a guy.
But the thing is, my list has gotten smaller and smaller over the years. Yes I used to have the whole must be tall, muscular, into horses, blah, blah blah, blah blah...
Yeaaaaah.
Now my list is this:
- Has to understand me.
- Be a good listener.
- Want to be married in the Temple.
Cause really that's all that matters to me. Everything else is so not needed to find that guy that I'll want to spend eternity with. But what does matter to me is that he'll love me for who I am without trying to change me. And is willing to listen, and I mean really listen. (Since my last ranty post I think you know how I feel about not being listened too....)
Every so often I still worry about the trivial. What can I say? There are physical qualities that I'm attracted to. Oddly enough I've discovered I really like hands. I first noticed this while watching Prince of Persia. Jake Gyllenhaal has really nice hands.
Moving on.
I also worry if whoever that guy will be will be able to keep up with me... Then realized that whoever it is will have to because I ain't slowing down.
But what I really agonize over are the two things on my list. Sometimes I even get mini panic attacks over them. What if they try to change me? Is my biggest fear. But, even though sometimes I get stuck with a jerk for a little bit of time. I've always gotten to that heck no point and put an end to harmful relationships before they got really bad.
However, those bad relationships have left me hesitant. They all started out well enough, but really looking back at them. They never were good. It just took me a while to remember what my first impression of them were, and realize that hey, it was right.
I also really just need to remember to trust that whoever God will put into my life will be good for me. I need to trust His judgment cause I know mine can be led astray.
I know that the guy I'll go to the Temple with will be a great guy. We'll have a great relationship, we'll have fun and hey, we'll be in love. This I know. Cause I'm not settling for anything less.
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