Doubts and Impasses

I have a bad habit of not opening up.  Of not letting people in.  Of not letting people know when I am struggling.  So here's me opening up.  One of these days I'll actually say it.

But the thing is lately I've had doubts encroaching my mind.  Doubts about the truth of things.  And I realize those doubts have been allowed to take root because 1, i failed to acknowledge them, and 2, I've not been diligent in my prayers or scripture study or church attendance (and sadly the list goes on).

We've learned about patterns, and how often patterns are lessons and are repeated  until we've learned the lesson.  I've been living this pattern for over a year now.  One of these days I'm going to learn it cause I'd really like something new to happen in my life.  (But sometimes that also scares me).

But with these moments of doubt, beautiful moments of truth have come.  They've been soft, quiet, but they have been there.

Lately I've doubted Agency, I've doubted how much of our will is actually free if there is so much restriction.  Why the commandments, why living the way we do?  Why why why why why... But I've also realized that I've been moping cause I wasn't being aloud to sin and be happy.

But through that, I've been guided lovingly, gently, to messages that countered those doubts.  They reminded me that I am in control of my happiness.  I'm in control of what to do in my life.  And I think those doubts came because I misunderstood how we're guided in life.n

I often make the mistakes of wanting to know the right choice before I make it so I don't make a bad one.  But as it says in the scriptures, that's being a slothful servant.  That won't help me progress and grow and become a truly faithful servant of the Lord capable of changing the world.

So slowly, I've been realizing that I have to act before I can know.  It's a little scary.  But I guess it's like when I was facing the decision to join the church.  I had a feeling but not a knowledge of its truth.  And it wasn't until I leaped that I realized it was.

And although I feel my testimony is very much rattled and shaken and torn, it's not completely gone yet.  I don't deny the truth, I'm just having trouble feeling it like I used to.  But that's my own fault.

I guess I let life beat me down instead of using it to empower me.  Once again I was stubbornly trying to make things better on my own.  (Dear heavens again??)  When that really is not the way to do things.

Give your problems over to the Lord and He'll help you through it.  Not take it away, but guide you so that you can make it through, testimony and faith intact.

But I tend to get stubborn, think I'm right, and frankly want things my way and when I want them.

Oh what a silly child I can be.

However it was eating away at me.  Why are we given all our abilites to reason and think and use logic to make decisions and plans if sometimes those are all taken away and we're not told why?  Why can't we know sometimes?  Why is it veiled from us?

But that's how faith is built.... But for a while, and I still struggle with it a bit.   I did wonder how in the heck that was supposed to build faith.  Especially when decisions were made prayerfully, with confirmation before hand.  And it leads me in completely the opposite direction of what I'd imagined.  (Belle no longer able to jump, dates not happening, friends not coming out at all).

It's left me frustrated and angry and hurt.  And even a little lonely.

Often I feel I'm on my own.  I can't make it out to church activities during the week.  I've got an hour one way trip.  I work early, I work hard, and especially on evenings that I do work it's just not possible.  But it also means I can't spend time with friends and when I can't do that, I can't get close to them.  And when I try, I often feel like my efforts are left in vain.

But, I've had opportunites, here and there, that let me know that I do still have friends, even if I can't see them.  But I've let myself be closed off again.  Cause I keep asking myself when it's going to end.

I feel like my whole life the only people who've stayed when I've gotten close to them, were never close to begin with.  Those who've been in the same city as me have all moved away.  And either by my own negligence or theirs, contact has been lost.

It sucks.  And it makes me wonder how a marriage can be eternal when some friendships that could be, haven't felt like it at all.

This month is the first time since joining the church that I'm not going on a Temple trip with my ward.  I know I need, but I also know I'm not worthy.  I can't confidently answer the questions in the interview for a recommend.  I also haven't payed my tithing at all this month, even though I know the blessings it brings.

I'm stuck at a frustrating impasse with myself.  Where I know what is true, but I just can't bring myself to act on them.  Because of the doubts clouding my mind.

When I do what I know is right, I do feel much, much better and brighter.  But, part of me is so frustrated with the social side of things that happens wherever humans meet in groups, and despite the fact that I know church is not about that.  It's still hard to walk into a building full of people where you don't feel close to anyone.  And see people being close to others.

The people I have felt close to aren't in my ward anymore.  And I don't feel like getting close to others at this point.

It's hard too, cause the people I am close to aren't part of the church.  I want to set a good example, but like I've been saying, it's hard.

But I know my decision to move to the country was right.  If anything it's shown who actually cares about me and who's willing to make the same sacrifice of time as I am.

I also know that Heavenly Father is there when I need him (which is always).  And He's always there waiting for me to stop being prideful and talk to Him.  But lately I haven't been honest and open enough even with Him. There have been too many worldly distractions.

I've been told I can do hard things, and I do believe it.  But man sometimes it's so tempting to just throw in the towel and walk away.

But the part of me that still believes knows that would be the stupidest mistake of my life.  And I've made some pretty stupid ones.