But the past little while has been trying. The saying: Everything happens at once, is most definitely true.
Our family dog, Mckayla, had started showing signs of age. And her condition very rapidly digressed until my parents decided she had to be put down. That was in a matter of a couple of weeks.
I was devastated, she'd been a part of our lives for 12 years. Helped us get over the loss of Logan and got both me and my brother out of depression. I was scared too, because I didn't know how to handle loosing her without having another bundle of fur to keep me distracted. (I love my cats, but they're not very helpful in these situations).
But I did have comfort that at least I'd have Belle to ride and distract me. HA.
Except that halfway through my riding lesson, on the same day Mckayla was being put down, she went lame. I'm still in shock I didn't start bawling right then and there.
But I made a decision that I was not going to be angry at God. If that's how things were going to go I was just going to trust that it was for my good. And bawl my eyes out in the meantime.
And I think that was the key point during this whole thing. I realized that having faith doesn't mean you're going to be happy all the time. It means having trust, even while you're filled with despair and doubts. It means being determined to forge ahead, even if you have no idea how things will turn out, but trusting that they will.
It also helped that I learned that yes. I am human, I have emotions, and sometimes those emotions are part of the process. Feeling them that is. And grief is one of them.
That being said, things still weren't easy. Belle and I have been having domestic issues. Her end due to many unfortunate incidents making her a little jumpy on the crossties, and me having very little patience left to deal with the spazztic moments. (There has been a lot of: oh my gosh seriously?? moments).
On top of all that, I received a huge heating bill, as the cheques were cashed for the memberships for show season that I seriously hoped I would actually be using (as I flashed back to a couple of springs ago when my pony injured her suspensories right before show season) and a winter that seriously will not go away.
Add to the list of 'things that suck' the fact that I was/am seriously exhausted and you have one very emotionally frazzled Leah that just wants to lay down and cry.
Easter dinner was nice, but it sucked coming home for the first time in 15 years and not having a dog run up to you, eyes bright and tail wagging.
And it also sucked having someone ask: When are you guys getting a new puppy? Less than a week after your dog died.
Week two, started to feel better, rode some horses at work since I couldn't ride my own, and felt less depressed enough to actually try soaking my pony's foot in case it was an abscess. (Which caused some more domestic spats).
When I woke up to snow friday(??) morning, it was noooot pretty. I won't go into details, but I won't deny that I did in fact cry. I've learned something about myself: When I have to deal with big things in life, the little things become intolerable. Snow is now on that list.
However, I've learned that, everything happens at once, can also be good things that happen at once!
Got a message from my coach saying that my pony was perfectly sound (I'm still being cautiously Yay about that one, knock on wood please).
Got to ride a fancy horse a work (Um totally over the moon yay about that one)
I downloaded an app to my phone that would let me watch General Conference (woot!)
And the snow was gone by noon.
I also rejoiced in not having to get my extremely muddy horse ready for a show.
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| She STILL has some mud left from this. |
And even though I was chilled and shivering Saturday morning, I got to enjoy a lot of laughs and some amazingly uplifting messages.
Life does sometimes suck, but at least in those moments you can find out exactly what you're made of.
*hugs* amen my dear
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