"Oh You Should Write This!!"

I love my mom, she's very supportive of what I want to do and helps me to do it.  But sometimes she has moments where she just doesn't get it.

For example:  Last night at her birthday dinner we were sitting around chatting, cause that's what people do around the table, and I forget exactly what we were talking about but she said: You'll write it and your brother will illustrate it!

She says this often.  I usually just sigh.  I know she means well, but the fact of the matter is: I have so many story ideas in my head, that nothing related to my life will ever make it into book form.  Only in blog form!  I have so many stories in fact that I know I won't get them all written down while I'm alive.  It also bothers me that she always includes my brother.  I love my brother, he's a great artist, out of practice, but definitely has talent. I have nothing against him, and I know he knows this.  But every time my mom suggest: oh he can illustrate it.  I can't help but think:  Why does he have to be included in what I want to do?  (And I know my brother's cool with it, he usually just looks at me and shakes his head).

See, sometimes I find it very hard to be the youngest.  My mom's very good at including us both, but sometimes I'd really rather she didn't.  I want to write for me.  Not cause I want to be published, not because it'd be cool to say: I'm an author (with severe writer's block).  But because it's a way for me to express myself, get away from the world, and just enjoy what I see in my head.

I do want to get published.  I have big goals and big dreams, and sure I have moments of: Wouldn't it be cool if a book I publish gets made into a movie??  Who doesn't have those moments?  But that's not my motivation.

My motivation is wanting to write down these ideas that are brewing in my head and absolutely refuse to leave me alone.  I want people to get to know the characters in my head, to love them like I do, to feel with and for them.  Heck I want make people cry, be angry, happy, excited, terrified, etc.  I want to make people feel, because I've realized that's what I read for.  That's what I watch movies for.  I need to feel.  I also really want to help the people like me, the reluctant readers who just (at first) can't stand reading.  I want to provide an entrance into the wonderful world of books so people can see just how wonderful it is to step into a world sprung from the imagination of another, and have that world become precious to them.  (Not precious like being tempted by the one ring, cause that'd be creepy).

But I also want to be able to finally look at a hard copy of something I created.  Something I toiled over, cried over, fussed over, and poured everything I had in it.  And I want it to be mine.  I know it won't be my efforts alone that will bring that to pass (eg editors, publishers, agents, friends, family, etc)  I know they'll have a part.  But the creative side needs to be mine.

I don't know if my mom does it because she's worried my brother might regret not taking his shot at being an NHL goalie, and wants him to have a chance at fame.  But I think that's what really bugs me.  Maybe she misunderstands what an author's motivation is (or should be).  We don't write to get rich (most author's aren't).  We don't write to be famous (again, most author's aren't).  We write because we have a story (or stories) that need to get out and won't leave our thoughts.  We also write because we're crazy and are into self inflicted pain (it can be seriously painful to write).  It's not an easy process, it's not a quick process.  But it's a part of our souls and it's near and dear, and it's something that needs to be ours.

I know I'll get that dang story in my head out on paper, I know it.  I think that's also why I'm so gosh darned intimidated by it (finally figured it out btw).  It's big, it's special and it's mine.  And one day I'll introduce you to that world and the people who shape it.