So, with the very significant snowfall on Wednesday, I became very giddy! Started signing Christmas carols, made a snowman, totally fun! And I realized why it is I love snow so much. It brightens everything up and makes the shorter days more bearable. There's a glow around everything and suddenly the night time is quite fun!
Sadly it left because we're back to the unusually warm temperatures, but I am excited for it to come back again! It makes me excited for Christmas.
Which I've got to get my hands on some decorations, because I've got my own place to decorate now! So exciting!
In other news I actually managed to write again! What was really fantastic was that it was finally exciting for the first time in months. It was a scene I had in my head for quite a while now. I'd post it but I'm completely paranoid about people stealing ideas, so it's staying locked up until it gets printed!
Sadly though I've gotten completely out of the habit of writing. I'm not blocked anymore I just don't actually turn on my laptop to do it. So I'm going to do some today while I'm doing laundry! I've got to get cracking, I've got a three part series (about 6-10 books), a ninja story, a superhero story, and I keep getting more ideas!
I've also been riding my pony again! It's been awesome, though I think we'd both like to do more than walking. But I'm taking it as slow and steady as I can to make sure her leg holds up! But at least now we're progressing in the right direction.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Shiny
I got to accompany some awesome people to the OADG Banquet this weekend! (It's for Dressage competitions in the ottawa area, people win awards, it's cool). It was a lot of fun and inspiring in a pretty big way. Not only because I got to eye up some of the trophies I could win next year, but the guest speaker had a lot of really interesting stories.
It was Bob Henselwood (Jill Henselwood's ex... if you still don't understand, think team silver medalist from Beijing in Show jumping... if you still don't I can't help ya :P) Anyhow, what was really nice to hear was his story about how his stables, Juniper Farms, all got started because of a horse he bought for $350, and brought her up to Grand Prix.
It really hit home for me, because recently I've had more exposure to how some Grand Prix riders came to be where they are. Two out of three of those, bascially had it handed to them.... Not really inspiring, more like extremely frustrating from someone in my position (which is very similar to so many others), who has to work and pay their own way. I'm very grateful to any and all help I get from my parents, but they can't buy me a $500,000 horse, and I wouldn't ask them too.
I feel like I've gotten a bit of track. But let's just say I've had a fair number of people tell me that the only way to make it to the top is to have money, and lots of it. Have the right coach at the high end stable with the high end warmblood horses. (And one went so far to say my horse was good for nothing).
What urks me the most about this (well what urks me the most is people talking bad about my horse, but moving on) is the fact that these people are supposed to be helping the young, aspiring riders make it. So that the sport can improve and continue to grow instead of stagnate. But so many of them turn down their noses at the horses that aren't "well bred", or fancy, or came from a backyard.
And it was such a huge relief and really incredible to hear stories from this successful person, who took those horses people said were good for nothing, and made something absolutely great. Because they saw the diamond in the rough. They saw quality where other people would and do completely dismiss it.
I know my horse is awesome. I don't know anything of her background, other than that she was bought at auction and where she got most of her training. But I don't know her breeding and I don't care. I just wish I knew her birthday so I could spoil her extra. But what I do know about her is that she's smart, she's talented, she's athletic, and most importantly she has heart! If I ask her to do something, she will try SO hard to make it happen! And THAT to me, is what really makes a great horse. Not that it's great grandsire is some super fantastic jumper or dressage horse.... Not that breeding isn't important. But there are some fantastically bred horses that can't do the higher levels. And not every horse needs to.
I'm not saying I've found a grand prix diamond in the rough. But I do know that my little girl will take me as far as she is able. I don't know where that is yet, and her recent injury(ies) will be a factor. Still some unknowns floating around. But it gave me a lot of hope, because I do have some pretty big goals. I'm not as sure on them as I used to be, but that's not because I didn't think I'd be able to. In fact I know more on how I can make it. I'm just not sure it's the lifestyle I want (I'm a home body, I like to be close to family).
Though admitedly, being THAT close to that silver medal made me really want one all over again... But in gold...
I think what I really want more than anything though is to be a positive influence in the world. Because there are a lot of things happening within the ottawa area for sure, probably other areas as well that just really bugs me. Like how it's becoming harder for the little guys and the underdogs to go out there and compete. And I think a lot of the big guns are forgetting who it is that keeps the sport fresh and alive. I just want to be able to lower the financial bar and give people the stepping stones they need to achieve whatever goal they have.
It was Bob Henselwood (Jill Henselwood's ex... if you still don't understand, think team silver medalist from Beijing in Show jumping... if you still don't I can't help ya :P) Anyhow, what was really nice to hear was his story about how his stables, Juniper Farms, all got started because of a horse he bought for $350, and brought her up to Grand Prix.
It really hit home for me, because recently I've had more exposure to how some Grand Prix riders came to be where they are. Two out of three of those, bascially had it handed to them.... Not really inspiring, more like extremely frustrating from someone in my position (which is very similar to so many others), who has to work and pay their own way. I'm very grateful to any and all help I get from my parents, but they can't buy me a $500,000 horse, and I wouldn't ask them too.
I feel like I've gotten a bit of track. But let's just say I've had a fair number of people tell me that the only way to make it to the top is to have money, and lots of it. Have the right coach at the high end stable with the high end warmblood horses. (And one went so far to say my horse was good for nothing).
What urks me the most about this (well what urks me the most is people talking bad about my horse, but moving on) is the fact that these people are supposed to be helping the young, aspiring riders make it. So that the sport can improve and continue to grow instead of stagnate. But so many of them turn down their noses at the horses that aren't "well bred", or fancy, or came from a backyard.
And it was such a huge relief and really incredible to hear stories from this successful person, who took those horses people said were good for nothing, and made something absolutely great. Because they saw the diamond in the rough. They saw quality where other people would and do completely dismiss it.
I know my horse is awesome. I don't know anything of her background, other than that she was bought at auction and where she got most of her training. But I don't know her breeding and I don't care. I just wish I knew her birthday so I could spoil her extra. But what I do know about her is that she's smart, she's talented, she's athletic, and most importantly she has heart! If I ask her to do something, she will try SO hard to make it happen! And THAT to me, is what really makes a great horse. Not that it's great grandsire is some super fantastic jumper or dressage horse.... Not that breeding isn't important. But there are some fantastically bred horses that can't do the higher levels. And not every horse needs to.
I'm not saying I've found a grand prix diamond in the rough. But I do know that my little girl will take me as far as she is able. I don't know where that is yet, and her recent injury(ies) will be a factor. Still some unknowns floating around. But it gave me a lot of hope, because I do have some pretty big goals. I'm not as sure on them as I used to be, but that's not because I didn't think I'd be able to. In fact I know more on how I can make it. I'm just not sure it's the lifestyle I want (I'm a home body, I like to be close to family).
Though admitedly, being THAT close to that silver medal made me really want one all over again... But in gold...
I think what I really want more than anything though is to be a positive influence in the world. Because there are a lot of things happening within the ottawa area for sure, probably other areas as well that just really bugs me. Like how it's becoming harder for the little guys and the underdogs to go out there and compete. And I think a lot of the big guns are forgetting who it is that keeps the sport fresh and alive. I just want to be able to lower the financial bar and give people the stepping stones they need to achieve whatever goal they have.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Freedom
It's high time I admitted something that has taken me almost two years to admit. I've admitted it to myself, but I feel the need to admit it in a more public manner.
There was a time, that I was a part of a group of what I used to call friends. We had met online, all enjoyed writting, and spent quite a bit of time sharing stories and chatting. I gained a lot of wonderful things (and a really awesome friend whose always been there for me). But, through a series of events that would take too much time to get into, it became an unhealthy environment. To the point that it was mentally abusive.
As much as part of me hates admitting it, I very much struggle to stand my ground. Struggle to stand up for myself, and walk away from situations that are bad for me. I was mistreated, my friend was mistreated. It even got to the point where I was ostrisized, and then critized for finally walking away. And instead of admitting how deeply I had been hurt, I covered it up.
But I've learned (a few times over) that wounds left untreated fester, and eventually get infected.
I struggle to trust. I've always been slow to open up (even to my own family) but now it's that much harder. It's terrifying for me to open up and tell people what's really going on, because I've had it thrown in my face and trodden on.
I've been trying to move past it, to forget about it. But I've been carrying it with me because I refused to admit what it was that really happened... I had people I counted and trusted as friends, completely betray me and treat me wrongly.
Now, I'm not trying to turn this into a sob story. Because all that isn't what's important. What is, is the most wonderful feeling that overcame me while all this was being figured out.
I've talked about my writting block many times on here, because it's really distressing to an aspiring author to not be able to write. It kind of hinders things. But, I have realized that, yes I understood the feelings that were blocking me, but I hadn't fully understood where those feelings came from.
My anxieties that I've always had were magnified by those people with whome I shared my stories. They over critizized them, and through my stories and characters, attacked me.
But... Something really, really wonderful happened when I finally figured it out. I felt like I could finally, truly let it go. Yes it was awful, yes it left its scars.... But by admitting that it did in fact hurt me, I could finally move past those awful feelings and let them go.
For the first time in a really long time, I felt free. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. I prayed more earnestly and sincerely than I have in months, thanking Him for helping me through this. And for having the patience to wait for me to figure out what He's been trying to tell me (Like I said, it happened quite a while ago). I also thanked Him for everything that has been happening because I've learnt a lot about myself. I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths (though sometimes I don't admit them and doubt them), and I know what I can do to improve.
So, now's the time to actually freaking write something!
I finally watched the second part of the Deathly Hallows tonight... I feel kind of silly saying this. But I really hope, and really want to write something that can have as much impact as Harry Potter did. It is sad that it's over. That there's no more to look forward too (from that series). And I know that there's plenty of other good books... But nothing quite like those ones.
What can I say? I've always aimed high.
There was a time, that I was a part of a group of what I used to call friends. We had met online, all enjoyed writting, and spent quite a bit of time sharing stories and chatting. I gained a lot of wonderful things (and a really awesome friend whose always been there for me). But, through a series of events that would take too much time to get into, it became an unhealthy environment. To the point that it was mentally abusive.
As much as part of me hates admitting it, I very much struggle to stand my ground. Struggle to stand up for myself, and walk away from situations that are bad for me. I was mistreated, my friend was mistreated. It even got to the point where I was ostrisized, and then critized for finally walking away. And instead of admitting how deeply I had been hurt, I covered it up.
But I've learned (a few times over) that wounds left untreated fester, and eventually get infected.
I struggle to trust. I've always been slow to open up (even to my own family) but now it's that much harder. It's terrifying for me to open up and tell people what's really going on, because I've had it thrown in my face and trodden on.
I've been trying to move past it, to forget about it. But I've been carrying it with me because I refused to admit what it was that really happened... I had people I counted and trusted as friends, completely betray me and treat me wrongly.
Now, I'm not trying to turn this into a sob story. Because all that isn't what's important. What is, is the most wonderful feeling that overcame me while all this was being figured out.
I've talked about my writting block many times on here, because it's really distressing to an aspiring author to not be able to write. It kind of hinders things. But, I have realized that, yes I understood the feelings that were blocking me, but I hadn't fully understood where those feelings came from.
My anxieties that I've always had were magnified by those people with whome I shared my stories. They over critizized them, and through my stories and characters, attacked me.
But... Something really, really wonderful happened when I finally figured it out. I felt like I could finally, truly let it go. Yes it was awful, yes it left its scars.... But by admitting that it did in fact hurt me, I could finally move past those awful feelings and let them go.
For the first time in a really long time, I felt free. I felt like laughing and crying at the same time. I prayed more earnestly and sincerely than I have in months, thanking Him for helping me through this. And for having the patience to wait for me to figure out what He's been trying to tell me (Like I said, it happened quite a while ago). I also thanked Him for everything that has been happening because I've learnt a lot about myself. I know my weaknesses, I know my strengths (though sometimes I don't admit them and doubt them), and I know what I can do to improve.
So, now's the time to actually freaking write something!
I finally watched the second part of the Deathly Hallows tonight... I feel kind of silly saying this. But I really hope, and really want to write something that can have as much impact as Harry Potter did. It is sad that it's over. That there's no more to look forward too (from that series). And I know that there's plenty of other good books... But nothing quite like those ones.
What can I say? I've always aimed high.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
To Be Human
Every have a week, where eveything is going fantastically for the first half, and then WHAM! It's like you hit a brick wall and everything crumbles. Sometimes you run into it repeatedly, over the course of months.
This past week was one of those weeks. Mon-Wed were awesome! Work went great, I was finally feeling speedy again, riding was super fun... Then the storm hit. 90km/hr wind, rain, lightening, the works. Me did not sleep and then of course I became a zombie. Then after a series of mishaps and such, I've a nice shaped, barely visible bruise and a taped up thumb.
For most of saturday I was still laughing at the whole thing. I tend to be more on the positive side of things, but I think it was partly due to sleep deprivation that I was still recovering from. Cause that evening as I was attempting to wrap Belle. My optimism unravelled along with her stable wraps.
It wasn't pretty. There may have been yelling.
Which perhaps explains why today, despite the fact that I know better, I did not go to church. I've felt a little overwhelmed at times this summer. It's been a consistently vicious cycle of extremely awesome moments followed by downright catastrophic ones! (Aright, catastrophic is slighty exaggerating it, but it's close enough). I think it's me going: I need a freaking day off!
Though it does make me feel bad because I love going to church. It always cheers me up, makes me feel stronger, and reminds me of what good I have in my life. Yet for the past few weeks (months) it's been a struggle each and every week. And more often than not lately I choose not to go. Sometimes for good reasons, but more often it seems, it's simply because I don't want too.
My mom though is always there to remind myself that hey, I'm perfectly normal! (Which is someimes disappointing, but is very comforting when I'm struggling). It is overwhelming to move out, with added expenses and having to be in charge, but hugely worth it. It's also tiring to work 6 days a week, but I wouldn't change that! I'm never bored and doing what I love!! (Okay, sometimes I zone out filling buckets, but most of the time I'm having a ball)
But really, right now I'm finding it hard to look forward too, and plan the next few months. Am I going to have a horse to show next summer? I'm hoping, but I really don't know. (And I hate not knowing). I also don't know when (some days if) Belle's going to get better. But I also refuse to give up, which is why I'm still going to acuire dressage tack (more saddle pads yay!) and hope for the best.
Even if it's sometimes really, really hard to be hopeful.
And really, I think the main issue with Church at the moment is that I'm struggling between faith nd anger towards God. Part of me knows every single thing that has happened is for my good (and a lot of it really has been awesome!) But the other part can't help but wonder why. Why so long? When can I ride my horse again? Why is this happening? When will things go right?
But I try to remind myself of what has gone right. I moved out, my coach being awesome and letting me not only ride, but show one of her horses! And work off Belle's board. Then I got provided with awesome job #2, with great people to work with and even more wonderful riding opportunities that are making me a much stronger rider!
And this whole summer has reminded me how stubborn I am. Cause I refuse to give up. Haven't yet, not about to start now. I am stronger, and will be even more so. And I'm sure by the end of all this I'll admit He was right, and thank Him for it. (Hopefully before the end).
In the meantime, I'll just keep vetwrapping my finger and daydream about winning competitions with my horse. (We totally make Grand Prix in my mind )
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Figuring Things Out
So, I've been attempting (using the word loosely) to write a fantasy series of novels for almost two years. "Attempting" because there has been stretches of months where I literally have not touched it.
It's rather frustrating, because for years and years I've been hoping an idea would spring into my head that had enough substance to make a series. I now have the idea for three different series, that tie together, plus a few others that aren't connected.... Yet there has been no progress past outlining, more outlining, and simply just whining.
I'd try, but I'd get a most four or five sentences out and it'd whither and die. At first I thought I was being too perfectionistic, trying to get it right the first time. But I realized it's a bit more than that (Cause that's definitely part of it) it's fear. Fear has been holding me back.
What's so scary about writing? Nothing, but I'm scared of getting it wrong. Not capturing the story and the characters well enough, scared it's too boring, scared the story isn't paced right, scared my grammar is too rusty for me to form proper sentence structure.
So all this fear turned into glue that clogged my creative channels and gave me nothing to work with. I had no flow and without any flow, I can't write.
Which is partly why I've never followed through with the idea of taking an online english course to brush up, I may still do that, but once I have a first draft that's ready for editing.
There are days I definitely wish I could turn off my brain, just the fear and doubt side that's oh so irritating. But I guess I'll just have to tough it out as per usual.
But hopefully now that I've actually figured out the root of the problem I'll be able to actually write these stories.... Because I keep getting more ideas and will be writing for the rest of my life! Not that I'm complaining. :)
It's rather frustrating, because for years and years I've been hoping an idea would spring into my head that had enough substance to make a series. I now have the idea for three different series, that tie together, plus a few others that aren't connected.... Yet there has been no progress past outlining, more outlining, and simply just whining.
I'd try, but I'd get a most four or five sentences out and it'd whither and die. At first I thought I was being too perfectionistic, trying to get it right the first time. But I realized it's a bit more than that (Cause that's definitely part of it) it's fear. Fear has been holding me back.
What's so scary about writing? Nothing, but I'm scared of getting it wrong. Not capturing the story and the characters well enough, scared it's too boring, scared the story isn't paced right, scared my grammar is too rusty for me to form proper sentence structure.
So all this fear turned into glue that clogged my creative channels and gave me nothing to work with. I had no flow and without any flow, I can't write.
Which is partly why I've never followed through with the idea of taking an online english course to brush up, I may still do that, but once I have a first draft that's ready for editing.
There are days I definitely wish I could turn off my brain, just the fear and doubt side that's oh so irritating. But I guess I'll just have to tough it out as per usual.
But hopefully now that I've actually figured out the root of the problem I'll be able to actually write these stories.... Because I keep getting more ideas and will be writing for the rest of my life! Not that I'm complaining. :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
If You Insist
I had a very interesting experience today. I was preparing myself for the day and making a general to do list to get through (hopefully) within this next week. Then quite clearly, I got the impression I should go to the tack store. That made me stop and really think on it. I was like: Really? But it's the sabbath, I try not to buy anything on the sabbath!
But quite clearly I felt like it was what I needed to do, that I'd receive some much needed guidance. So after loading my car with my laundry and computer, I was on my way! I did stop at the tack store, feeling a bit jittery since I really don't do actual shopping on the sabbath (not that I haven't had days that I haven't bought something, cause it does happen sometimes...) But I didn't end up buying anything. Just read some things that reminded me of what I already know and can do, and it was what I needed.
I also saw that show breeches are %50 off! Though I'd already received a tip on that.
It was nice, I hadn't received direction that clear in a long, long while.
But quite clearly I felt like it was what I needed to do, that I'd receive some much needed guidance. So after loading my car with my laundry and computer, I was on my way! I did stop at the tack store, feeling a bit jittery since I really don't do actual shopping on the sabbath (not that I haven't had days that I haven't bought something, cause it does happen sometimes...) But I didn't end up buying anything. Just read some things that reminded me of what I already know and can do, and it was what I needed.
I also saw that show breeches are %50 off! Though I'd already received a tip on that.
It was nice, I hadn't received direction that clear in a long, long while.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Time to Open the Door
Pretty much all summer long there's been this constant knocking in my head. I'd listen to it, see what it had to say, but then shy away from it again.
So, it'd knock harder. Become more insistent. I'd start paying more attention to it, and really actually contemplate the path it'd lead me down. But still, there was some hesitation. It can be hard to leave what you know is comfortable.
But then I got to have a taste of what lies ahead. It's fun, it's really fun. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and the more I experience of it the more I want it.
I guess sometimes it's hard to leave something behind, when for so long it's what I thought I wanted. I did want it, or so very badly. But I know there's a plan out there for me, and if I follow it, it will lead me to happiness.
Just got to save up for some new shiny black tack...
So, it'd knock harder. Become more insistent. I'd start paying more attention to it, and really actually contemplate the path it'd lead me down. But still, there was some hesitation. It can be hard to leave what you know is comfortable.
But then I got to have a taste of what lies ahead. It's fun, it's really fun. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and the more I experience of it the more I want it.
I guess sometimes it's hard to leave something behind, when for so long it's what I thought I wanted. I did want it, or so very badly. But I know there's a plan out there for me, and if I follow it, it will lead me to happiness.
Just got to save up for some new shiny black tack...
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